a long river of "acceptance and compromises" without the thrill of passionate love or are my self defence mechanisms way to fucking strong for my own good ... ?
and here I go again in the white thick mist of my doubts, back in my own white darkness again - the night is dark, the snow is white and comfortingly white and fluffy, the sky is clear with stars, but the stars are so distant and unreachable ...
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Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
And I am doubting again
and I epic fail at ... considering ...
I mean it felt so fucking weird to have a real man sitting at my table meeting my parents ! it's not me ! it's not who I am.
I always saw myself as those 40-50 year old single men, lonesome wolf type of, "le célibataire endurci" from the 80's movies - the tough guys, either divorced or never married. That was MY life path all traced for me ! Apartment, job, life, best friend.
Apartment. My Current Job. My Little Brother.
and my photography hobby. No need for a partner, a relationship or that kinda thing.
I think I tried - but I just proved to myself that I am NOT made for that type of life.
I don't see myself ... getting married and having kids. At least not with the current one.
I want Henri. So desperately want him.
I mean it felt so fucking weird to have a real man sitting at my table meeting my parents ! it's not me ! it's not who I am.
I always saw myself as those 40-50 year old single men, lonesome wolf type of, "le célibataire endurci" from the 80's movies - the tough guys, either divorced or never married. That was MY life path all traced for me ! Apartment, job, life, best friend.
Apartment. My Current Job. My Little Brother.
and my photography hobby. No need for a partner, a relationship or that kinda thing.
I think I tried - but I just proved to myself that I am NOT made for that type of life.
I don't see myself ... getting married and having kids. At least not with the current one.
I want Henri. So desperately want him.