In all Honesty

Resistence is Futile - Wallpapers

2012-02-12T20:35:00.000-08:00

Resistence is Futile

The Original

Resistence, is Futile ! by ~zemimsky on deviantART

EDIT : Please do not download just as of yet -- I am correcting them all. The bow's cord was awkward versus Sybille's hand in the picture. I will take this notification off as soon as it's corrected and re-uploaded.

Thank you for your patience ;)

The Wallpapers

Standard

http://www.4shared.com/rar/2Lk7yxwL/Resistence-is-futile_ws_1.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/0UgpqwBt/Resistence_is_Futile_ww_1.html

Standard

http://www.4shared.com/rar/nH-yzWT1/Resistence-is-futile_ws_2.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/XRHvb9S_/Resistence-is-futile_ww_2.html

Standard

http://www.4shared.com/rar/Mt1fhcjr/Resistence-is-futile_ws_3.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/Zk6fldjI/Resistence-is-futile_ww_3.html

Draculaura Puffy Wallpapers

2012-02-06T16:03:00.000-08:00

Original Piece

Draculaura - Puffy by ~zemimsky on deviantART

Merchandise

RedBubble - Prints - T Shirts - Stickers - iPhone cases - etc.

(to come soon)

Zazzle Prints - T Shirts - Stickers - iPhone cases - etc.

(to come soon)

Wallpapers

Wallpapers include the Black and the White version in each .rar file

Widescreen formats, just below the regular links, marked as such.

Standard ones                                                                                                      Widescreen

800×600                                                                              1440 × 900

1024 × 768                                                                              1600 × 1024

1152 × 864                                                                              1680 × 1050

1280 × 960 1920 x 1200

1366 × 768 2560 × 1600

1400 × 1050

1600 × 1200

2048 × 1536

Version 1

Download

4Shared

http://www.4shared.com/rar/cF617jqo/Draculura_Puffy_Wallpaper_stan.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/8MpQEnnh/Draculaura_Puffy_Widescreen_1.html

MediaFire

http://www.mediafire.com/?7qhf7xf4stv0v2a

Widescreen

http://www.mediafire.com/?256872fls5pq1di

Version 2

The Version 2 has it's differences from Version 1 in the heart swirls up above with the bats, and doesn't feature Draculaura's name. It's more "épurée" - empty - clean cut simple but efficient and cute.

Download

4Sharedhttp://www.4shared.com/rar/0MNSr19d/Draculura_Puffy_Wallpaper_stan.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/HCJqG2Mx/Draculaura_Puffy_Widescreen_2.html

MediaFire

http://www.mediafire.com/?8552l7dj2618z0a

Widescreen

http://www.mediafire.com/?bszlh7xhdg8xe56

Version 3

Download

4Shared

http://www.4shared.com/rar/_4UYjx_H/Draculura_Puffy_Wallpaper_stan.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/I-9ZmPVc/Draculaura_Puffy_Widescreen_3.html

MediaFire

http://www.mediafire.com/?bq7xz824i1ghn5o

Widescreen

http://www.mediafire.com/?5eu5wczutmmgtdb

Version 4

Download

4Shared

http://www.4shared.com/rar/wJY9hisX/Draculura_Puffy_Wallpaper_stan.html

Widescreen
http://www.4shared.com/rar/1j8S1498/Draculaura_Puffy_Widescreen_4.html

MediaFire

http://www.mediafire.com/?fb384sbsqa3q8pu

Widescreen

http://www.mediafire.com/?3vtu0i1cl8ae60q

Version 5

Download

4Shared

http://www.4shared.com/rar/AYFkCtLM/Draculura_Puffy_Wallpaper_stan.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/yhcCzU5v/Draculaura_Puffy_Widescreen_5.html

MediaFire

http://www.mediafire.com/?womo9fpc37d77kk

Widescreen

http://www.mediafire.com/?8hgikkc38rh439n

The End - Hope you Enjoy your wallpaper :D

Ps - Please do not try to claim these as yours on forums and websites - they are each watermarked with my name on them.

And you will hear from me if I catch you doing so. I am giving these for free, I'm not asking anything in return, but your respect.

Character - Draculaura - is © Mattel / Monster High

Art / Puffy / Wallpaper is © Emilia Tokes

Kitty Khat Wallpapers

2012-02-05T19:45:00.000-08:00

Original Piece

Be Fiercely Yourself by ~zemimsky on deviantART

Merchandise

RedBubble - Prints - T Shirts - Stickers - iPhone cases - etc.

(to come soon)

Zazzle Prints - T Shirts - Stickers - iPhone cases - etc.

(to come soon)

Wallpapers

Wallpapers include the Black and the White version in each .rar file

Widescreen formats, just below the regular links, marked as such.

1280 × 960 1920 x 1200

1366 × 768 2560 × 1600

1400 × 1050

1600 × 1200

2048 × 1536

Version 1

Download :

4 Shared
http://www.4shared.com/rar/Y7rNCoUw/Kitty_Khat_-_Wallpaper_1.html

Widescreen:

http://www.4shared.com/rar/zOyZUfbl/Kitty_Khat_Wallpaper_1_Widescr.html

MediaFire

http://www.mediafire.com/?4e5zj4xm7nbw2ol

Widescreen

http://www.mediafire.com/?0m8qwbi1w0g8gx9

Version 2

Download:

4 Shared

http://www.4shared.com/rar/oL2qQNiQ/Kitty_Khat_-_Wallpaper_2.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/wUWL0VTS/Kitty_Khat_Wallpaper_2_Widescr.html

MediaFire

http://www.mediafire.com/?ncw16ppv409ndaq

Widescreen

http://www.mediafire.com/?f5nhb0f8zn4x9ho

Version 3

Download:

4Shared

http://www.4shared.com/rar/RbIhIsgy/Kitty_Khat_-_Wallpaper_3.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/Xe0NRmE6/Kitty_Khat_Wallpaper_3_Widescr.html

MediaFire

http://www.mediafire.com/?9xn7vjp5na6b0nv

Widescreen

http://www.mediafire.com/?1hr1mtvzmvvej9k

Version 4

Download

4Shared

http://www.4shared.com/rar/ghCLnT9c/Kitty_Khat_-_Wallpaper_4.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/ugVpOlOP/Kitty_Khat_Wallpaper_4_Widescr.html

MediaFire

http://www.mediafire.com/?4gwok47toiv6g9g

Widescreen

http://www.mediafire.com/?j25br3c82a3l85p

Version 5

Download

4Shared

http://www.4shared.com/rar/iW7Isfne/Kitty_Khat_-_Wallpaper_5.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/uUKfqPLd/Kitty_Khat_Wallpaper_5_Widescr.html

MediaFire

http://www.mediafire.com/?d035x4pmqoip2vi

Widescreen

http://www.mediafire.com/?5cdbwfa92vwt5nn

Version 6

Download

4Shared

http://www.4shared.com/rar/ElCEF9Bh/Kitty_Khat_-_Wallpaper_7.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/5yEAY3kS/Kitty_Khat_Wallpaper_6_Widescr.html

MediaFire

http://www.mediafire.com/?36n2otnroaihbj1

Widescreen

http://www.mediafire.com/?vp7felfdx9tf3ta

Version 7

Download

4Shared

http://www.4shared.com/rar/OJb206HC/Kitty_Khat_-_Wallpaper_6.html

Widescreen

http://www.4shared.com/rar/9N_PgSoX/Kitty_Khat_Wallpaper_7_Widescr.html

MediaFire

http://www.mediafire.com/?b3wrmakwsimio3i

Widescreen

http://www.mediafire.com/?oz08u366a21mlqq

The End - Hope you Enjoy your wallpaper :D

Ps - Please do not try to claim these as yours on forums and websites - they are each watermarked with my name on them.

And you will hear from me if I catch you doing so. I am giving these for free, I'm not asking anything in return, but your respect.

Looking for Myself - Part 2

2011-09-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

My brain is a total bitch.

Here I am at 11:00PM, right out of a nice 2 hours of Low Theta 4Hz brain waves mixed with 2 types of rains, thunder and waves, and at my mini laptop typing away because my brain has genius ideas that makes my heart pound with excitement and keep me from sleeping.

I think it began with this new hope for a job. Mom found something in the free newspaper about making ribbons and chocolate boxes, and I have decided to go there tomorrow to check it out and all of a sudden, it's as if ... something rose up again in me; I want that job. In my prayer, I even asked God, to throw me the ladder because I was ready to get out of my well. (It's an old analogy a theology student has shared with me in high school). And, fact is, I am. I am ready to climb out if this chance is given to me. I want to move on, get projects going on, do stuff. And as odd as this may seem, other things in my life been sort of ... like champagne's bubbles bursting into life, which usually happens before a new step of my life is about to begin. I am always more inspired to draw when I am about to go back to school for example.

The last 2 weeks before the end of vacations are the ones where I can draw the most of my sketch book's content! It's almost as if something deep inside of me knew that change was coming ahead. As silly as this might seem, here is a concrete example of the recent past. We came back from vacation from my hometown village in Romania and i had no inspiration and no will what so ever to draw, even less my trademark illustrations and doodles. Part of the reason was the constant presence of Mom around me, sipping away all my energy and will and inspiration, as if I was conditioned to be a mopping half dead potato.

But then, one week before she'd get a phone call from her job that there were orders and she was being needed again, I bloomed like a volcano's wake up. I doodled my stuff, finally uncovered a character I had in mind since over 2 years without really figuring her out on paper, created a whole new one, and been doodling random jokes with my character like there was no tomorrow, even offering myself the luxury of sketching some iconic figures from the 50's. All this happened precisely one week before Mom got her call back and in the following week! How did I knew that it would happen ? (Because i am at my best when i am alone, i work better, i draw better, i have better mood).

Yesterday I was out in downtown and because of a fuck-up and the inability to successfully achieve my errands, i was randomly walking in the Eaton Center and got into this natural products store and got myself a 62$ value 2 bottle "slim down/help with your diet/appetite" kit which I started today and for once I find it efficient. (Of course I didn't quite followed the prescription way of taking it but what the hell, it works!) I also skipped my feta cheesed omelet for a healthy bowl of rice. I did cheat and added 2 hot dogs, and i had a bit of feta in the afternoon, but over all, it seems that this time i might just succeed with my goals.

This new regime triggered the inspiration of a another project which i been pushing off since a couple of years since i never had the perfect - accordingly to my personal taste - template to get it carried out fully.

I want to tattoo 2 names on the sides of my belly and i need a flat tummy for that, for the end result to look as gorgeous as i envision it. And the whole process of the tattooing is like the treat, the winning prize at the end of the challenge. Of course these tattoos are carefully thought out and they hide a secret meaning which came to me in it's full understatement not so long ago, so I am fully aware and wanting this specific tattoo in the way i have designed it. I can always add on details to it - which is also a small detail of why I am currently up and typing.

I was in bed trying to fall asleep, imagining myself at the tattoo shop which i chose where it should be done, i was seeing the guy doing it, and i was seeing the result on paper, us discussing it, and as I was imagining all this, I kept adding significant details to the two parts of the tattoo which excited me even more and thus woke me, instead of making me sleep!

And then I tried to have a "bed time" story that usually makes me fall asleep, because the context of the story has both the image of sleeping and with the fine details makes me want to sleep, but this time, it sort of got carried away and got more adventurous and more brain working than brain tiring!

Then I just kept thinking of the possibilities of me having that new job, the money income wouldn't hurt my bank account and I could shop that new bigger laptop more at ease with my consciousness than now - as i am just sort of shopping and not getting any income of any sort since April (since I quit my last job because i was going mentally nuts).

I also thought of the Christmas presents. Of course, my niece is the first person that comes to mind when I think of Christmas shopping. She's a cute little child and I have a heart and a mind of a child, so she's pretty clear to figure out : If I melt and want something, it's about a 100% chances that she would like it too!

And then a sort of a crazy idea came to me. I imagined myself getting 2 beanie plush, same animal, same size, because one would go for my own child and one for her, so that there wouldn't be any jealousy among the two.

The question is, or the odd factor is, I don't think I'm yet ready for that.

My mind has been sort of pushing the kid idea once in a while, on a daily occasion and I sort of can imagine myself with one, but my rational side only thinks of the negative aspects and i just can't come by that!

Which reminds me of the momentum i imagined of me and the tattoo guy in the shop discussing of the thing before he'd get to work and that whole "no sex" for 8 months and so on and I imagined the following as a pretty close to reality explanation why I wouldn't give a rat's ass about no sex for 8 months.

I was telling that man in my imagination, the real dream i had 2 nights ago.

Dream of the 5th September 2011

I was in a white corridor and at it's end was a room in which a man in a white hospital uniform was there, but I knew he was a patient and even though he was calling for me, I ran away, afraid of him. I felt he had a mental condition and I didn't want to go close.

On my way running to the opposite direction, I turned a corner and saw this little Asian girl who was afraid too and was looking for someone, or just flat out help, so I picked her up and she guided me into a bigger room where there were real Hospital staff people, beds and other patients. I sat down at a cafeteria table's bench seat, with the little girl next to me, and this Asian young man came to talk with me. We got along right after we introduced each other and we were looking at the screen of an electronic tablet. He was showing me information that i wanted to know, because i was really interested in it. At the same time, I took the little girl on my knees, because she was curious too, to show her the animations and the information on the screen. The young man touched my finger tips and this incredible delicious electricity sparked between his fingers and mine. As he was crossing his fingers with mine, the electricity became stronger and warmer and it was just an incredibly arousing yet fulfilling sensation at the same time.

In the next scene, we were in another room, I was on one side of the counter, he was on the other, I was fiddling with a pink very thin gadget-y camera, took his shot, but he got worried and i erased it and then i found the magazine. I opened it and on a page, left side, somewhat near the beginning, I saw a full page of a beardy man in his mid 30's. Tall, strong, wheat blond with tints of rust in his hair and beard, sharp blue eyes - he was smiling and I thought his teeth were a bit too long and i had that classic Red Riding Hood phrase in my head about them. He was wearing the dark navy blue short sleeved uniform of a doctor, arms crossed on the chest, confident smile. So I asked the Asian man if he knew him (the man in the magazine), to which he replied yes, and I asked if he knew how to get in contact with him and he also knew! That man was my quest, in a way, my goal.

And now, to come back to my bed time story moment with the Tattoo guy - I imagined myself asking him to press his fingers against mine, crossing his fingers with mine and nothing would happen and i would explain him my dream and how reality was fade compared to them, and so, that is why i wouldn't miss anything during 8 months. Humans simply are boring and ... not as energetically powerful as dreams, and I have lost interest in the real ones since too long. I am probably asking too much, but I want a man who feels electric, intense at the slightest contact, and yet calm and strong inside as a cathedral, without necessarily looking like that outside - i want a man who's aura shine through, and impressions make statements.

And it's 10 minutes to midnight and I feel more awake and energized than how i was at 9 this morning.

Looking for Myself - Part 1

2011-09-03T18:54:00.000-07:00

Saturday night, we have a heat wave over Montreal and I fight it back with my newest sound application on my iPod Touch.

I been thinking over things as of late and some conclusions came to me. When you take the time to think, you take the time to ask the right questions and the answers naturally come to you, as if given by your secret help.

I have dealt with chronic depression most of my life time, starting off real young, having suicidal thoughts and such and I only realize now, the reason for all that time lost in despair.

As a kid I, like most of them, I had dreams, aspirations and goals. I wanted to be a detective. Since I am 8 years old i am fascinated and captivated by the police or law enforcement world, especially detectives who find out the truth through the small clues left behind.

I have been gathering the clues scattered around my life and i am putting together the pieces of the puzzle that is my life.

I have abandoned my dream of a cop, a detective, a police agent, because mom was too afraid for me and my sis - and she still is. My sister wanted to follow the same career, she is now a married woman, a house wife, who spent some considerable years at a beauty products company as a customer service agent on the phone. I have done computer graphics and designs to please dad and he thought i would liked that - and in fact i did, but there was no job opportunities when i finished, and medical archives to please mom who always seen me safe and sound in a hospital doing paper work. I never worked with all that my title as a medical archivist entitles. I merely did clerical work in a private clinic where i thought I'd go mad after the first day and where each day was basically spent dreaming of running away, taking a train to Halifax and forget about myself and my lousy life.

Then I got this job at the small airline company and everything was fine and dandy until we got in the low season at the beginning of the year, up until spring and I thought I'd go mad because basically i had nothing to do. I loved that office, i loved my team, even if i barely spoke with my team leader and felt like a complete useless alien, i did love some aspects - like the location of the office, the exotic of the clientèle, and some other little details, but the burden was becoming too big.

I was unease with myself, with my life and i couldn't pinpoint the key factor. I felt miserable and like a failure, to come to my age without nothing that i had thought was what shaped a life, when i was a little kid. No career, no husband, no house, no pet, not kid.

And i realized, today, that i didn't knew who in fact i was.The detective dream which died left me empty, like a puppet that others manipulated to see their dreams come true through me. I became, by unconscious will or by accident, the chameleon which took the color of their dreams and complied with ease and a smile even.

The bad side of that, is that i made choices which didn't fit my ideals; which contradicted the life style i wanted to have. Being stuck in an office doing repetitive work can soothe me in the sense that i love routine, but it cannot shape my goals and satisfy me in the longer run of things.

I always dreamed of making a difference. In my dreams at night i was always a SWAT type of person, or cop, barging in on miserable poor apartments to free the hostages from the local armed wacko. I saved kids from all sorts of villains. I wanted to become that hero, that cop. It gave my life a sense. Specifically a sense of accomplishment, but overall, a sense of doing the right thing. At 8 years old, i wanted to be a super hero like Superman, Batman and all those. I wanted to save the world. With time, that dream sort of faded away and i thought i died.

And i became the puppet of my parents.

I realize now i was wrong. I wasted my life, my youth, my opportunities of becoming the person i wanted to become.

I often dreamed of joining the army, but there is something about getting up at 5am to clean boots that doesn't come by me. Nor the idea of making my bed, nor the fact that i have to blindly obey a superior. What i love about the army is the training and the missions, saving lives, making a country live better, helping the people in need. I can do that without the army, if i find the right NGO (Non-Governmental-Organization) which i still have some faith left, i will one day.

I would like to travel to those other foreign countries where ppl have real values still in 2011. Where families, friends and good neighborhood-ing are essential every day life questions. I would like to teach poor kids English, so that they'd have a chance in their future. I know I would be a good teacher, I have an ease to share my knowledge with easy simple down to earth communicative ways. I dreamed of teaching my mother tongue, Hungarian, to local Québecois people here - teaching English to Filipino or Vietnamese would be about the same, except, with a purpose and a helping outcome in the future.

I would like to have a simple life, like a monk, with a few essential things and maybe a few hobbies, but not be bothered by money, power and fame questions like everyone in North American seems to be concerned. I don't want a condo downtown. I don't want the year's touch-and-park-alone-bio-electric car. I'll be honestly happy with my Rapunzel doll, my laptop and my iPod watching the rain fall down for weeks.

I want to feel useful and know that i have made a difference in the life of someone, or some people. I want to help get their hopes stronger and shine brighter in the face of adversity! I don't want medals or recognition, i just want to act upon what i have and what i can do to help those who don't have much of a choice in life. Their success would my ultimate thank you, the only recognition and medal i would accept.

Rapunzel - Grimm versus Disney

2011-06-21T11:44:00.000-07:00

A Comparison

The Elements

plant - the source of the plot

Grimm : Rapunzel plant kept in the garden of the witch, in a first version forbidden of access, in a later edition, surrounded by a wall

Disney : a magic golden flower that originates from the sun (in Disney, light becomes quite an important character)

the witch

Grimm : a Fairy in the first version, an Enchantress, Witch in the later versions.
Disney : Mother Gothel, a witch who knows how to use the full power of the magic flower to keep herself young through centuries - she is given the motherly figure and even has some credibility in that role. Mother Gothel is a generic German name who designates a woman which serves as a god mother - usually a fairy god mother, in this case the evil one.

the parents

Grimm : poor peasants living in the land, country, kingdom
Disney : King and Queen of the said kingdom who prospered a few miles away from where Mother Gothel originally lives

the child

Grimm : the child was promised to the Witch, in exchange of the plant, when the Witch discovers the husband stealing at night. In the earlier version, the Witch actually gives her the name of Rapunzel
Disney : she is stolen by Mother Gothel from her crib from the castle, at night

the prince

Grimm : the prince who owns the lands surrounding the tower - in some earlier versions, he is a young king
Disney : a commoner, orphan and wanted thief - Flynn Ryder

The actions - the Facts

The pregnant woman craves the plant

Grimm : the pregnant wife sees the plant and craves for it
Disney : the pregnant queen falls ill and their only hope is a magic plant

The Husband gets the plant

Grimm : the loving husband goes into the forbidden yard to steal the rapunzel plant at night for her wife
Disney : the King sends his army and I suspect the people volunteered (to make it a lovey dovey aspect and fairy tale type care for the queen) go seek the magic flower.

Husband gets the plant

Grimm : the husband steals the plant from the forbidden yard 3 times. He is caught the third time by the witch - and has to promise his unborn child in order to save his life and get the plant back to his wife
Disney : the King's men find the plant, after Mother Gothel who accidentally reveals it by pushing back the cage which is hiding it. There is no interaction between the King and the Witch

The pregnant woman eats the plant/gives birth

Grimm : the woman eats the plant - feels her craving satisfied and gives birth to her child
Disney : the ill Queen drinks a beverage made with the golden flower, heals and gives birth to a healthy baby girl

The Witch claims her prize

Grimm : the witch comes back and reminds the husband his promise. The pour couple has no choice and the witch names and takes the child to be raised like her own in a remote and inaccessible tower
Disney : Mother Gothel comes to the castle and first actually tries to only take what she wants - the hair, in which she knows the magic lies - but once the hair is cut, the magic is no longer in it - it's faded - so she steals the child. (The child must be alive, her hair must grow and never be cut for the magic to operate)

Rapunzel's teenage years

Grimm : in the original tale, Rapunzel is only locked in the tower after she turns twelve years old - just before teenage hood. So we presume she lived in the house of the fairy before that - having her natural parents as neighbors!
Disney : the child is stolen one night and lives from that moment on in the tower, under the care of Mother Gothel

The Tower - Rapunzel's imprisonment

Grimm : Rapunzel is locked in a "high tower that had neither a door nor a stairway, but only a tiny little window at the very top."
Disney : Now here the team behind the story got a good step ahead and logical too. They actually respected everything, even the hook above the window - which is also mentioned in the original tale, but they did include a hidden door and a stairway, because against all common logic - how can the witch come and go feed the child when she is so young and is physically too weak to pull up her mother with her hair ? Of course, as a fairy tale, you'd expect the witch to fly or just "appear" but since Disney gave Mother Gothel a more human than witch aspect - they had to respect that - and it gives her more credibility. You can imagine that she used the stairway and the secret door when Rapunzel was a child, strengthening the forbidden aspect of going out, scaring the child with the outside world, and with time developed the window and the used the full potential of the length of the hair.

Rapunzel's hair

Grimm : "Rapunzel had splendid hair, as fine as spun gold." In classic fairy tales, golden hair is a sign of royalty and fairness, princesses usually have golden like the sun hair.
Disney : she has golden hair that glows when the song unlocking the magic is sang - usually by her god mother who uses the magic to keep herself young. She uses it to guide herself and Flynn out of a cave full of water and to heal a wound in his left hand.

Let down your hair

Grimm : "Rapunzel, Rapunzel!
Let down your hair to me."
Disney : "Rapunzel!
Let down your hair!" and Disney script people were clever enough to play on humor and add lines such as "Rapunzel, I'm not getting any younger down here." to emphasize about her worry, impatience, to joke about her age - because that is the reason why she has stolen and keeps Rapunzel prisoner - to keep herself young (in appearance).

Up the tower - the trick

Grimm : "When the fairy called out, she untied it, wound it around a window hook, let it fall twenty yards to the ground, and the fairy climbed up it."
Disney : In the movie, she loops her hair in that little hook above the window, lets down the length of the hair, Gothel folds it, put a foot in and Rapunzel does the pulling act.

In Comes the prince

Grimm : the Prince comes around randomly one day on his horse, and hears Rapunzel sing and enchanted by the beauty of her voice and music, falls in instantly in love
Disney : Flynn Ryder has just stolen the princess' crown from a guarded room in the castle and ran away with two thieve brothers. He escapes the royal guards and finds the tower, climbs to be in safety and out of sight.

First meeting of the protagonists

Grimm : in the tale, the prince hears Rapunzel but has no clue how to get inside the tower. He actually even falls into a despair because he is in love, but her aim is out of reach. He comes every day in the forest to listen and one day he discovers how the witch is getting access to the girl in the tower.
Disney : Flynn climbs the tower aided by two arrows that were originally shot at him by the royal guards, and first thing he does is take out the crown from his satchel to admire his prize. The light is dim, Rapunzel comes from behind and K.O.'s him from behind with her frying pan.

Relationship between the protagonists

Grimm : At first, Rapunzel is frightened but soon comes to like the young man. In the tale, they meet every night and with time, he even asks her to be his wife. Since in the tale, she also gets pregnant and has children, and since it cannot be out of wedlock, the wedding between the two is primordial importance.
Disney : She is scared - she has never seen a man before - but she takes hold of herself, checks him up - accordingly to what her mother used to scared her off with ( men with pointy teeth ) and reassured, closes him up in the closet. There is no love story in the air yet!

Mother Gothel discovers the young man's existence

Grimm : Rapunzel does get pregnant and innocently asks her god mother why all of a sudden her clothes are too tight for her. In later versions, she lets out the secret by asking the witch, why she is so much heavier than the young prince
Disney : There is no such thing as the ... future "in laws" meeting or let alone know the existence of each other. Rapunzel does not tell Flynn about her life in the tower - he only gets bits and pieces when she goes through emotional breakdown once out and free. She is delighted with her freedom in one moment, and tortured with agony of what could happen to her mother in the next one. She feels guilty of the heart break that her escape and running away would cause her mother - which she still loves dearly. The mother and the tower are in fact taboo subjects which Flynn is not invited to openly discuss with the girl just yet.

Gothel discovers the betrayal of Rapunzel

Grimm : The witch is scandalized and outraged that Rapunzel is pregnant - she is deceived in the sense of a treason. She wanted to keep Rapunzel for herself only and the sharing of the girl with a man, and worse, letting her go live happily with another person, is unthinkable of.
Disney : Gothel comes home after a fight with Rapunzel - a classic mother and daughter fight about a permission to go out, see an event - in the movie, the lanterns which are lifted in the skies on the night of her birthday. Gothel doesn't want Rapunzel to go out of the tower at any cost because she might never come back, thus her access to the golden magic flower is threatened and so is her "eternal youth". But with the coming of Flynn, Rapunzel escapes to fulfill her dream of seeing the lanterns. The stolen crown is lit by a little ray of sunlight and Gothel wrongly believes that Rapunzel has discovered that she is lost princess.

A good big sequence and plot only belongs to Disney between the discover of the betrayal and the cutting of the hair, but that is part of the magic of Disney and give a character to Rapunzel. She is not a passive princess like the first few ones (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty). Rapunzel is one of the best new type of princesses taking part of the action, conquering her fears and winning her freedom. (In this category we can also count Ariel the Little Mermaid, Jasmine from Aladdin, and somewhat Belle from Beauty and the Beast from the classical tales - who also take a good part in the plot and tackle adventure to get what they want. They all more or less defy parental authority and actively take part in the conquering of their respective prince.)

Rapunzel's hair is cut

Grimm : out of rage and vengeance, the witch cuts Rapunzel's hair to craft a trap for the prince.
Disney : Flynn, who was stabbed by Gothel, cuts Rapunzel's hair with a piece of broken mirror at his hand's reach, to put an end to the girl's imprisonment - having understood that the magic lies in the hair and if cut, the magic is gone. Rapunzel had explained to Flynn how, once the hair is cut, it turns brown - and her magic hair is the reason of herself being kept in the tower by Gothel

The ending plot

Grimm : "Then she sent Rapunzel into a wilderness where she suffered greatly and where, after a time, she gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl." Remember, she gets pregnant by the young prince. The witch also ties the cut hair to the hook, lets it down when the prince calls out for Rapunzel. He falls into the trap and in despair falls from the tower. He miraculously lives but looses his eyesight. In later versions, it's explained that he fell in a bush of thorns which pierced his eyes out. He also is sent in an errand for many years before he finds Rapunzel, some years later and recognizing her voice, walks to her. "Two of her tears fell into his eyes, and they became clear once again, and he could see as well as before."
Disney : Flynn is wounded by Gothel who stabbed his side (we imagine a deep wound in the back, or side - touching a vital organ, most probably the liver). He is about to die and Rapunzel makes a deal with Gothel: she promises to go away with her and stay with her for ever if in counter part, Gothel lets her heal Flynn. Flynn takes that occasion to take Rapunzel's face in his hand, to mimic a kiss but uses his other hand to cut off her hair, thus, freeing her. Gothel panics, freaks, but it's too late. Flynn sighs his last breath and dies. Rapunzel, who is sincerely afflicted cries over him and one tear - which held the last drop of magic from the golden flower is absorbed into his cheek and brings him back to life.

The End

Grimm : the tale finishes when the prince stumbles on Rapunzel and her two children, who live miserably in the woods.
Disney : being a classical Disney movie, the tale ends with all things good and fairy tale-ish. Rapunzel is returned to her parents, the King and Queen and the movie ends with celebration - we are also let known that the couple formed by Rapunzel and Flynn do get married and Flynn quits thieving and goes back to his original and true self, with this real name.

The cute little German rooted things you might have skipped in the movie.

Rapunzel obviously is German word for the plant which gave the girl

Gesundheit. Flynn greets a "god bless you" when Rapunzel tells him her name, he jokes that it sounds like a sneeze

Mother Gothel is the original German name for god mother

Helping Sources :

The two earliest versions of the tale - 1812 and 1857

Disney Movie Script

Disney Tangled preview on youtube *

* you may have some earlier versions of the movie from which the disclosed scenes were actually cut from the final edition - don't be surprised if you don't see such classic scenes as Flynn calling Rapunzel to let down her hair missing in the final movie.

So ... I got a Bike.

2011-05-02T07:45:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to start this one. So many things run in my mind.

So let me recall how this adventure started.

In the concrete facts, it did in Ireland, county Claire, village Doolin. That place gave me such a wild urge to bike ! It has ... not breathtaking a la ouh lala sort of landscapes, but it has another type of inviting, reassuring, making you want to explore and wander around to see every bit again and again and again. We spent 2 days there I could have spent my life, honestly. On the second day, we walked up to the hills, to go see the Cliffs of Moher, and a couple of cyclists past us by; that game me the initial notch - the spark - the desire to ride a bike.

I came back, and time past and things happened and I never got around to have the time, the occasion and the last little push that I needed to get a bike and get back into it. I did bike when I was a kid, back home in my village I had a tricycle ( and I fell from my grandma's little bridge in front of the house and had my first broken wrist) at 4 or 5, then I rode a bike at 7 in Bucharest at this lady's house where my mom and sis and I spent the night before the flight (it was a family with 2 boys ...) and so the boys and my sis played around with the bike, then it was my turn and I ended up in the fountain with the ducks. After that, I got a bike 2 years later, or maybe even more ... I know I was in grade school, my bike was pink and white and of course I learned how to ride it in the Jarry Parc. We used to go all three of us, mom, sis and I. Near the end, when I was like 12, my sister and I even rode all the way from home to the park on quiet empty long streets. But I never could bring myself to use the breaks. I just let the bike slow down naturally or I used my feet, rubbing them against the ground and using the bottom part until a hole was created. Yes, I did that to a couple of pairs of shoes.

And then came high school, and I had my accident and I never rode a bike ever again. And today I'm 27, going 28 this summer and voila. I got back on one !

I was leading up to getting one sooner or later. I checked Canadian Tire store web page for the bikes, I checked Costco too. I think that is the kick part. Costco is so close to me, the bikes are there, it could have been such a easy purchase !

But I got a better deal.

I was chatting with a girlfriend of mine from a previous job and this biking subject came into the chat and she said that she wasn't using hers, even thought it's a new barely used one. She lives close to the work so, no real need for travel and she has other hobbies for the week end. I was sold. Or rather, the bike got himself a new owner.

Things got arranged and last Saturday I was at her place to get it :D

When I said I had a super neat of a deal; store's half price for this bike, with 3 chains, gloves, helmet, bags for the back part, and a pump for the wheels !

Instant love. It feels rough, masculine, strong, it's a hybrid mountain-city bike, I would associate it in my head to a northern country horse with strong build, thick legs and lot of fur - lol.

Of course I chickened out about riding it back home ! I did perhaps maybe ... 30cms on it before I used the breaks for the first time ever and avoided bumping into a parked car, but, no, I was definitely not ready for a full ride on busy sidewalks, loaded with people, streets loaded with cars!

I haven't touched a bike since 15 years ! I was not ready for such a huge step, so soon. So I walked it home. Walk, walk, walk, metro, and more walking. But we eventually got home safe and sound.

Just to see it attached to the fence, waiting for me, being there, ready, available made my desire and will to ride it even stronger. I have been craving this for over a year consciously and God knows how many more time unconsciously ! And over the top incredible big step for me, I used the breaks ! that is so huge for me, it's comparable to a lot of "big deal" issues out there.

Rapunzel, let down your hair

2011-02-28T14:29:00.000-08:00

Today, I had arranged my hair in a way that it was "up done" but falling down on both sides, touching my shoulders bu leaving the back of my neck open. And for some odd reason, I looked ... oddly cuter than last week, or how I usually do when I have my hair in a tight bun...

My change of looks didn't go unnoticed. A colleague from another department, who was around ours to discuss work with one of my teammates, noticed the change of hair style and commented, in a half kidding, half like a woman knowing when another is changing her appearance to get someone's attention, which I denied of course. Today, I just felt like changing my hair, I felt simply less stressed and less office professional ( the tight bun means office girl in a serious context ).

The colleague came over to my neighbor and my own desk and insisted I'd tell who's attention I was trying to get. I denied it again, because, in fact I just wanted to start a casual Monday. Usually, my clothing and my hair determines how I feel and what are my intentions, if I want to please someone else, be socially fitting in or simply just doing myself a favor.

So, it came down to a sort of logical elimination of possible candidates, calculated on my behavior. Since, I did that new hair style today, it had to be to impress a new-comer to the office. D. Which is absolutely false, since that young man looks too childish, too tall, too built and too ... simply not inspiring one bit ! And most of all, how can I love a man whom I never see, don't work with, have no chance on stumbling on in my normal routine ?

I shared a random honest comment, from the first and only time where I had seen that man, he seemed too fat for me. My desk neighbor didn't understood well, and he asked if another man in the office - who is fairly new but not the newest - is too fat - which nearly killed me of laughter ! The first woman brought back the topic in line and in between two laughs, I tried to look normal at the mention of that one - who might actually be inspiring me.

C-2, who is the second newest, in our department is completely out of the range of possibilities - being fiancé and getting married later this year, end of summer.

C-1 ...

I had a dream with him, I was happy with him, we were sharing a house or an apartment, I remember the view on the back yard with summer light and I was happy. He was holding me in his arms, but when he turned me around to kiss me, I told that I was not ready and I woke up.

And now, since a week or so, it seems that a new filter has been overlaying my eyes - my sight. I am seeing him as a charming handsome young man, on top of the already acquired good understanding we have at the office, a sort of casual friendship with small chats, laughs and little moments stolen here and there.

I still don't know for sure if I am ready.

And, at best, it will be like all others. One way ... interest.

Going back to my roots

2011-02-13T17:36:00.000-08:00

Already since the beginning of February I had this lingering rumor running around my family.

My sister wanted my niece to meet my grand mother on my mother's side - aka - my niece's Great-Grand-Mother. As simple as this sounds, it's a very cute - the littlest lady of the family meeting the oldest. 4 generations of women gathered in a photo - I dream of shooting that actually.

Last week, the rumor became a little more tangible. Last week end, just before leaving for the south for vacations, my sister was on the phone with mom about our own familial vacations back in our village. I thought - oh, one week, two at worst - I can live with that.

Today, we had a gathering for a triple birthday and a welcome back from the south where my sister, brother in law and niece spent a week of vacations. We talked about the home village vacations again. And all of a sudden, it became a longer project. A month long project !

My heart about half broke when I learned that.

My first thought went to the fact that I love my job, but I am only on a contract through an agency. What are my guarantees - my safe grounds - my future, my projects ? Do I ... say good bye and move on, concentrate on my photography career ? Do I take this opportunity to try to have great shots and try to publish a book and launch my potential ?

I love my team - I love the people around me, our little habits we developed, the tight links, bonding we created with time, the chemistry among us.

But about the same time, I really feel like dying inside since I am deprived of time to photography and arts. I am an artist - I need that like people need ... what ever they most strongly strive for.

I am ... with conflicted emotions but not that afraid it seems. I see this as an opportunity to take my flight and see what happens.

On the practical side I only worry about money, stable source of income. I have of course savings but one can never know for sure and predict the future.

I still need to analyze my emotions and see what I really want.

Numerology - Life path of a 9

2011-02-09T18:19:00.001-08:00

"What does a Life Path number of 9 mean?"
Emilia, you are the philanthropist, humanitarian, socially conscious, and are deeply concerned about the state of the world.

You have great compassion and idealism.

You are a utopian, and will spend your life trying to realize some aspect of your utopian dream, sacrificing money, time, and energy for a better world. It is in giving that you will find much satisfaction.

You have a broad outlook on life. You tend to see the big picture, rather than the minute details. You naturally attract people from all walks of life who can fit into your larger plans and take over the areas you find uninteresting. The person with a 9 Life Path is rarely prejudiced or accepts social biases of people. Instead, they evaluate people on the basis of what they can do for the larger cause. They are the true egalitarian.

Emilia, you are imaginative and creative, especially at harmoniously arranging the beauty already potential in the environment. These abilities can lead you into such fields as interior decorating, landscape art, and photography. But because of your strong social consciousness, you can be an effective politician, lawyer, judge, minister, teacher, healer, and environmentalist. Vocations that require self- sacrifice and have a clear social impact are common among 9s.

You are often disappointed by the realities of life: the shortcomings of others, or of yourself. Somehow, you don't want to accept the imperfections of the world, a feeling that drives you constantly to try to improve upon it. But rather than be satisfied with your efforts, and those of others, you relentlessly push on, striving for greater accomplishments.

You are often unsatisfied with the results. In short, you lack the perspective that would otherwise make it possible for you to enjoy life more fully, and accept its natural limitations. You have a controlled enthusiasm and the ability to finish what you start.

A key to your personality is the necessity of sacrifice. You have to learn to let go of material possessions and relationships, the inherent lesson being that holding on too tightly to anything causes pain.

Money comes to you through mysterious or unexpected ways: inheritance; the benevolence of someone who was inspired by your work; or a lucky investment. onversely, if you pursue money for its own sake, after giving up on your larger dreams, you're likely to find yourself empty handed.

The most successful and satisfying road for a nine is giving; sharing and sacrificing for a larger goal, without expecting anything in return. Emilia, your greatest chance at success is to tie your personal fortunes to an endeavor that makes the world a better place for others. Very often, this turns into a highly successful and lucrative enterprise, providing amply for you and your family. Your life rests on the axiom that the more you give, the bigger your reward.

You are romantic, but your love is more impersonal. You tend to be focused on your dreams.
When you are not in harmony with your true nature, you can fall to moodiness, or become aloof, and withdrawn. You can become timid, uncertain, and ungrateful, putting the blame for your troubles on others or the world.

You have a gift for examining your life objectively, and at some distance. Be honest with yourself. By openly facing your shortcomings, as well as your strengths, you develop equilibrium. You are thus able to love and better understand yourself and all of life.

source : http://www.free-tarot-reading.net/numerology/

To come home to this

2011-01-26T14:44:00.000-08:00

I came home five minutes past 5pm to yet another night of familial despair or dismay.

I had asked my father his HMV store card because I wanted to buy the Ice Road Truckers DVD series from History Channel. I was planning on going in on Thursday, but since he is not working at the moment, he went to the mall and got it for me yesterday ( Tuesday ). I said I would repay him back. I had already money taken out - good thing.

What bugs me is his attitude. He's an alcoholic since God knows when ( and he is turning 60 this year, meaning he has been drinking since close to 20 years, or 30 if I want to be idealistic and optimistic : half his life ! ) and obviously he has been drinking today too ! He had to quiet it down during December's end and January's first 2 weeks because mom wasn't working and she was home - so he didn't quite have the freedom to drink a bottle a day like he can normally. So, yesterday he drank and forgot to turn on the heating in my room, today the same. But, before, it was always fine and warm and heat taken care of for when I would come back from work. He is home ALL day - would it kill him to turn on the heating one little hour before he knows I get home ?

So, I come in the apartment, shout ( in Hungarian ) "It's only me." He was in the bathroom, but heard me pretty damn well, but still had to loudly ask "Is that you Emi ?" ( I find this kind of ... thing dull, redundant and moronic ! I just fuckin' stated it was me. )

He goes on about the fact he bought my DVDs and they are in my room - I am not that idiot, I have seen them on the corner of my furniture piece and the bill too.

I get out the money of my wallet - 80$ in 20$ bills and a 5$ bill to reach 85$, but I say that if he has change for a 20$ - I have one more to reach the agreed amount of 95$ for the 3 DVD series.

Instead of just plain and simple take the money, give me the change and move on, he took a whole half an hour rambling about honesty, counting over and over the bills, throwing them on the living room coffee table like a professional mafioso man, throwing 2$ coins along side his 5$ bill in the same fashion and rambling on and on and on about the agreement of that amount of my DVDs and the bill and the total and ... I was keeping calm, but I was totally fed up and annoyed. I mean, for fuck's sake, just count the damn bills, give back what you want and move on ! It's only a 100$ not a million !!

Then mom came home.

This episode just ... exploded like a natural geyser when dad asked if we were going back to our home town village because my sister wants to go back in March. My mom said that yes, but that Nothing was set in stone, nothing was sure since my sis wants the whole family to go back ( her husband, daughter, me and mom ) but she doesn't know when her husband can have vacations so Nothing is sure. Dad goes on :

He was sitting at the kitchen table, smoking. Mom just had a long day of work ( from 7 am to 4 pm ) and went on top to do some groceries, puts them down and Dad like a crow bird of ghastly bad future telling goes on " I had a vision ( dream ) of your mother. You should speak to your mother." My mother of course naturally asks when he had that dream, sight or what ever. Dad asks, in repetition - clue that it wasn't recent. Thus, not a true common phenomenon with a real death annunciation as it is quoted in some books on the topic. He goes on that he had that thing some time ago ! My mom asked - Since I was home for the past two months why didn't you told me this before ?? And she is absolutely right ! He, on the other (drunken) side just ketp on rambling that my maternal grand mother had cursed him ( his bad luck with work, his difficult and miserable life ). My mom defended her mother naturally and I agree with her, and said "I just come home from a long day of work - why do you tell me this now ?"

My mom, further one and sort of under the rush of a small vengeance, asked or said that dad's Mother was responsible for his doom. And dad - instead of defending her mother - repeated 3-4 times "Yes, my Mother is a whore!"

That completely shocked me !

In truth, his mother had fallen in love or has fallen under the charms of the young master of the house where she was working and serving as a cleaning girl and got pregnant. Of course, the young man being the heir of a good family, the girl being a poor ( I am not sure if she was orphan or not, but poor for sure ) couldn't stay there. This is a small village in 1930's or 40's Transylvania. A woman's virtue, honor and life was ruined by the passion of a man who'll never face charges, guilt or anything ! For him, it was a game, a pleasure moment (s) and nothing more. For her, shame, guilt, a kid to bring up on her own - a kid who wears her mother's name because she cannot bear her father's - being a bastard child.

The young woman eventually got a small one room house somehow, met a soldier, got married and had 4 more children with the man. The last one, being my father.

But what happened to her in her young years, in the circumstances of her life cannot be held against her and she does not deserve to be treated the whore word by her own child.

... I don't know to conclude this one, so I'll leave it as is - just saying that all this adds to the cup and one day soon, the cup will overflow.

Even if I have to take my mother with me in the new place.

Cultural perspectives and questionnings

2011-01-13T16:55:00.000-08:00

I was randomly chatting with a work colleague this morning. I had left a comment in a game we play on facebook - it said : Bonsoir - Good evening - Jo estét ( which means good evening in Hungarian ) and we were discussing about how during the just past Holidays she never said Merry Christmas because it became politically incorrect as of recent ! I had left plenty of Merry Christmas wishes myself and I couldn't care less about who got offended or not.

Here in Québec we are plagued with something called "accomodements raisonables" - which can roughly be translated into "reasonable accommodations" or the art of being friendly, serviable and politically correct towards everyone, every culture and every nation possible which habits our vast territory, land - country.

I got shocked though.

I cannot say Merry Christmas in my country - free country, modern country, rich country. Canada. Why ? Because it's politically incorrect and it can hurt the feelings of non believers, non practionners and folks of other faiths and religions.

On the other side of the world, in Saudi Arabia, they decorated an 11 million dollar worth in a public place. Why ? Because it's the symbol of the Christmas holidays, it's fashionable and in my opinion - if they have the budget, why not ? They are actually showing an opening towards another culture, towards other habits of a particular time in the year.

Which topic brought us to the next.

It is now allowed by companies for the muslim praticant workers to take of time 5 times per day to pray but it is forbidden for the Christians and for the others to say Merry Christmas during the holidays at the end of the year, to enjoy the cheer, the spirits, the jolly mood as we have known it for centuries.

In the past - about 40 years ago - morning prayer ( christian prayer, catholic prayer ) was a mandatory thing in gatherings, meetings and schools.

Today it is forbidden, because we push the layman angle.

Yet ! the Muslim who practice their faith are granted 5 times per day time off their work to pray, because their faith asks for such devotion and because we are such an open minded country and government and culture - we allow it, we reasonably accommodate and we make new laws and rules to try to please everyone ... at the Very Clear and Destructive Erasing and Extermination of our own !

If anyone travels to countries where culture, faith and religion rule, the traveller is oblived to follow the rules of what ever the tradition asks for : veil, body all covered up, etc., and travellers agree without a protest.

Here, in a free country, agglomerate of all cultures of the world - we have such loose laws and regulations that we do not have a solid basis of our own. We do not have a solid standing rule and law that says : this is allowed, this is forbidden in this country, this is how you you behave if you travel or live here. We allow anything and everything and we are shocked when our own culture fades away, swallowed by the incoming cultures.

I do not blame them, I do not stand against their culture. But there are limits of how friendly and willingly idiots we are, or can be.

I think it's unfair that we bend to every possible rule in other countries and let our own culture, religion and faith just fade away !

I find it completely unfair to be forbidden to have Christmas trees in airports, to say Merry Christmas and to sing Christmas songs because it can politically incorrect towards other cultures.

I ask - so then, how come that Chinese New Year is not offensive to our culture and customs ? How come we do not say nothing against Bar Mitzvah, and pushing it further, we do not even educate our own kids to have their Catechism done ? Are we that ashamed of our Christian faith and religion ? I am aware of the Silent Revolution here in Québec in the 1960's but is that a reason to completely shove off our culture ? How come Muslim faith followers can take off time 5 times a day to follow their religion's rules and we think that a simple Christian prayer is an offense before a meeting ? Since when did an immigrant religion became better than the local indigenous one ?

And this is valid for Christians to try to impose their faiths in villages in Laos, China, Vietnam and all over the world where Missionaries go.

Each culture and country, each gathering of people, should have and be proud of their own faith and traditions, keep it and share it, but not impose it upon other countries, gatherings of people and communities.

We are slowly killing diversity and going back to the eternal fight of "my faith is better than your faith and my god is stronger than your god" and we do wars and conflicts, invoking those gods and kill, torture and harm the innocent.

I say it's all Bullshit !

oh and ...

Merry Christmas and may God bless your New Year !

New year bleh

2011-01-03T17:54:00.000-08:00

I don't even know how to really start this blog.

I feel like not being myself - like having let down my projects, my goals, my dreams.

I guess it started last April when I got my current job. At first it was great for the income money, security of something, and a healing balm on my feeling of misery and failure ( after a 3 year program, not finding a job in my field, having yet another time invested time and money and coming out without income, success or any such thing which makes one feel accomplished).

So the job helped, at first I had hopes of permanency, later, the though of my position being only temporary through agency comforted me. But with time, it took a toll on me. I started to eat my soul, but gave something in exchange : I loved my team, my work, my responsibilities, I came of help to my department, I felt useful and appreciated, at a certain level.

Sure the amount of travel there and back slowly started to slowly build up, but it really became problematic in late fall, and winter. When one finishes work at 4:30 pm, but gets home at 7, 8pm, it is discouraging.

And because of the nature of the company, of the work itself, there are peak times and low times in the year. Winter being a low empty one, since planes cannot fly as regularly because of mechanical caused by weather and weather itself.

The summer temporarly fulfilled me, made me forget about what was worrying me - but sooner or later the deep rises to the surface and yet again a feeling of having wasted my life has taken me over.

I haven't had any real occasion to do photography, to travel around, to discover - but with stolen moments.

In October I had a day off due to an interview to a potential job in my field, which left me a very cold impression, but gave me a great sight to take photos of at least.

But how many days I was on my bus, longing to take pictures of that path, with glorious cherry blossoms in the spring, but felt too bad to ask a sick day, felt too guilty to come in late - since I had no valid excuse and wanted to make sure to be a hard worker - an honest person, responsible and be there on time to build myself a good reputation.

But I let my private life aside, my hobbies, what made me happy, and thrilled about life.

Photoshop illustrations, sharing photos, keeping my photo blog updated, sharing home made junk food recipes - I was longing to make myself a professional looking flickr account but never passed the strep of getting the pro account.

You think you want something

2010-10-12T14:53:00.001-07:00

Because it's fancy, it's costly, it might bring you more than what you have at the current moment but... do you really want it ?

Example 1 : Volks limited Charlotte BJD doll which I found on a Danny Choo blog entry and instantly fell in love with and ... I was ready to bust 1,500$ US on it ! The next day, I saw it - random search on Den of Angels and it was announced for 1,250$ US and yet - I was ready again to get it.

Until the evening of the same night, when I went to Soom Doll site. And when I saw her. Better price, better looking, and her young adult offers advantages a kid looking face/body cannot - it has more limitations for what I know I would have planned in the future.

Good thing I didn't jump into the first purchase ! For that same price, I can get the doll and the clothes I want.

Example 2 : In the summer, I completely fell in love with the Olympus EPL-1 Pen camera which is about a small dslr point and shoot style. I loved it at first sight because it was small, reflex, digital and offered in the basic lens kit a lens that was in the10's or 20's of mm which is basically wide angle, normal, landscape. But that camera had a price I wasn't yet ready to spend for a small compact camera.

Good thing, again, I didn't bought it because I found - still in my beloved Canon Family - the perfect little point and shoot camera in the Canon PowerShot SD3500 IS ( pink of course ) which does exactly ( !! ) what I want it to do : high quality pictures ( 14mp ) from landscape perspective ( 24mm ) the 5x zoom is the least of my worries since I am already equipped with a Canon EOS 50D and a Canon PowerShot SX 10 IS for the zooming options, and other various needs. I have to add that the video quality is incredible ! I don't know if they inserted a lens flare "thingie" in their lens, but filming water on the lake St-Louis came out way less "light lined" as when I used to do it with the SX10 IS. ( normally, a special lens on is used with DSRL to diminish and cut that counter effect of light ) So yet another win.

And finally coming to example number 3. The most recent and the most life changing one. I graduated last year in Medical Archives from O'Sullivan College and I after 3 years of pain and much energy put into it, I was sort of hoping that the real life deal would bring me peace with something that these famous 3 years thrown in the mud and shredded to confetti.

In the beginning, I didn't even had job offers. When I did and applied, I never got answers back. Once I applied two different times, having received the offer two times and neither once did I even got as much as an answer that they got my application form. Not even that little courtesy. Other offers were geographically located at the extremes of Québec province and I didn't felt like braving that kind of an adventure : to go live in God knows where north city and build myself a life up there, from scratch, away from everyone and everything I know.

More than a year later, I finally get an offer in Montreal and it's from a place where I always dreamed of working. But it's also the best example of how illusions can be of the sparkles and how reality can deceive and not be at all how one could have dreamed it.

I finally had a job offer for Douglas Psychiatric Institution, here in Montreal. Always wanted to - dreamed of it, talked about it in college, burnt everyone's ears with it.

Now that I had the occasion, I find it ... rather cold and ... I know it was only an interview, but an interview goes both ways. Both parties judge the other one and I personally didn't quite like the cold attitude of the Medical Archives Chief person.

That detached coldness ... really doesn't inspire me to want to be more in contact with that person.

And I realized that - it's been over a year ! since I graduated. I saw psychiatric case once in the final exam for the course... they would need to train me from A to Z and I would need to completely re-learn which I really don't have the ... motivation to do so !

My current job location is a drain for the time it takes me but I love it ! I feel secure there, I love my team and I love my simple job. Lesser pay but I don't care - i still could manage to live decently and afford my hobbies.

If Douglas calls back - in a couple of weeks - I am personally not accepting. Though I wish they wouldn't call back - I wish they find two candidates who'd really appreciate and need those two positions because I won't - I don't want anymore.

So is life meant to be ...

2010-09-20T11:01:00.000-07:00

a long river of "acceptance and compromises" without the thrill of passionate love or are my self defence mechanisms way to fucking strong for my own good ... ?

and here I go again in the white thick mist of my doubts, back in my own white darkness again - the night is dark, the snow is white and comfortingly white and fluffy, the sky is clear with stars, but the stars are so distant and unreachable ...

And I am doubting again

2010-09-10T17:40:00.000-07:00

and I epic fail at ... considering ...

I mean it felt so fucking weird to have a real man sitting at my table meeting my parents ! it's not me ! it's not who I am.

I always saw myself as those 40-50 year old single men, lonesome wolf type of, "le célibataire endurci" from the 80's movies - the tough guys, either divorced or never married. That was MY life path all traced for me ! Apartment, job, life, best friend.

Apartment. My Current Job. My Little Brother.

and my photography hobby. No need for a partner, a relationship or that kinda thing.

I think I tried - but I just proved to myself that I am NOT made for that type of life.

I don't see myself ... getting married and having kids. At least not with the current one.

I want Henri. So desperately want him.

I guess I'll never be ready

2010-08-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

Today, for some odd reason and just for the kicks, I created myself a profile over plenty of fish . com - a dating site. I came to know of it's existence through a coworker's who's sister is on the site.

I guess I created a profile for the kicks but only 2 hours after I feel like deleting it.

Maybe I am simply not ready and never will be ready to face a real relationship.

I been falling in love with virtual men since I'm 8. The few real man I loved with the same burning passion either didn't love me back or the ones who did, I didn't love them back so - let's face it. It wasn't meant to be happening for me. Not in this lifetime.

And - it has been actually comforting to love an idea ghost. Sabik beat the record of all my men put together ! Where most lovers lasted max 6 months, he lasted 2 years !

And now, Henri is sort of ... occupying the throne of my heart. Which doesn't leave an empty spot for any other ... beau.

White pants on a red day

2010-08-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

I should have known better. A night in the arms of two blond men, followed by a night with Andrew only could foretold the upcoming monthly joy of the female flood. I even joked about it with a friend on msn but failed to take into consideration the screaming signals and had the most wonderful idea of putting on my pale beige tight pants (first gift from my first ex upon my change of looks) and voila ! I couldn't have picked a better day !

I just pray now that no ... bad omen will leak through the improvised barrier.

JoeJoe

2010-07-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

Joe D.	Joe Anderson
black hair blue eyes - curly, short	blond, straight, long
work colleague	actor
Irish/American/Canadian	English
blue eyes - almost washed off jeans	blue eyes - deep and intense like Guy Pearce
~ somewhere in his 40's	late 20's (one year older than me)
can't imagine working without him	can't imagine working With him !
adore him	major crush for the next 3 months
met : first day of work	saw first time : The Crazies
love his laughter and chatting	love his acting

Those classics from my youth

2010-07-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

My dad is re-tapping - recording on dvd - old movies he had recorded on VHS and among those are really old classics of my youth which I haven't yet seen on DVD, but beyond recuperating digital data, it's the memories, the "what forged me" my ideals and my fantasies that bring to this activity such a meaningful and unique vibe.

Pirates Island (1991) was a classic and a huge fave of mine! A bunch of kids have a planned trip aboard a hot aired balloon which turns bad and find themselves on an island where pirates rule the game ! It's fascinating to see that the pirates live in their own little society with rules, social classes and rules, and yet a plane and scream and go hide and go back to normal as if nothing was but they don't know of Australia - because it's not even on their maps !

This is a personal opinion, but if I would have to compare that movie - made back then, with today's mentality and style of directing... I find myself loving the old simple things a whole lot better. For instance, the adventure is about 3 boys and one girl. But oh - miracle - no sex allusions, no bad jokes, no wet tee-shirts to show off boobs - only the guys get to show off their mid-teen bodies (especially the hero, Tony (played by Les Hill) who was the local hottie, sexy bad boy and yet know it all ! He even kids around that let's see if what they teach kids in school can actually be useful and save their lives ! Back then, a sexy hot looking know it all bad boy was credible and was acceptable, was a standard, or an ideal even ! No wonder I fell head over heals for Andrew later on ;) university graduate and rocker.

Back then, the girl could be intelligent, cool and not be the local rape material. She could be in danger - as much as the boys, get out, be intelligent, cute, clever. All in one, like a real individual and not only a joke or an exageration of a stereotypical social image.

I miss how things were simple, magic and how scenarios had everything i takes to make a good movie, even if it's a youth movie for the TV audience. No fake - no making too much outta a simple thing.

June went by

2010-06-28T18:05:00.000-07:00

And didn't wave bye.

I remember doing my work when C. asked me if I had two hours so she could show me the new tasks.

I remember my team leader asking me if I wanted to assume that job after C.'s leave on maternity leave. I remember I said yes with enthusiasm, ready to take a new challenge.

I remember as if it was yesterday and yet it was in the first week of June.

Juuuune where have you gone ?

I did one week under J.'s supervision, he's my next desk neighbour and Life Savior. Next week he was on vacation so I had this newly acquired work, with still a few questions, my previous tasks and even thought I mastered that week (monthly crap, around 2k in cash on Monday, many many checks during that week, and all deposits being done by me alone) like a pro but God was I relieved when J. came back !

There was an aspect of my new task I didn't quite understood and it had fallen a little behind, even though I tried to do it every day as much as I could to keep it updated.

So there I was today, with 10 wires left to do, with bank activity statements that we had received the money but no information from the Credit and Collection department - and there I was, feeling like Oliver Twist in front of a bureaucratic task. Not quite knowing what to do and my team leader asking me via email why they were not done.

Simply because my training was rushed - 4 days reduced to 4 hours, because work accumulated during the weeks and because doing the mail and the sales reports takes more time than anything else !

On one hand, my team leader asks me to prioritize the trade cheques - no problem. Than, log the received sales reports first - not a problem either, but with the quantity I receive on Mondays and Thursdays and when it comes late, please do not plan on chopping my head off - I am barely doing what I can in the time I have ! Than, my team leader's boss asks me how far back I am in the manifests (which were my primary task before mail, upon my arrival at this job). It seriously accumulated like crazy ! It had piled up to make a pile the size of a monthly cargo manifest basket (let's just say a freakin' load!) So I took some time on quiet Friday (past) to get rid of some of the manifests and keep up to date with that.

Monday morning I set my mind to finish all the wires for June - which I succeeded, except those famous 10 for which I needed the assistance of higher ups and I don't want to sound mean or anything, but the lady has this way of talking to me, or looking at me, making me feel like a complete idiot ! I know I am not a sales, finance accountant clerk, but if one person would simply clearly explain me the work - I can grasp the logic and do it properly ! Give me some credit, for Pete's sake ! But please do not expect me to read minds ! People drop papers on my desk and expect me to know instantly what do with it ! At the moment, I do 4 different tasks ! with each of them having main goals, sub goals, side goals and time limits ! So please bear with me !

And we are closing the month of June and June is over ! It felt like those promised 4 days reduced to 4 hours.

But I am ready for July ! Bring it on !

Welcome to Ubuntu - please let your joy scream free

2010-05-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

Okay - so today I finally moved tot he Other Side and downloaded Ubuntu 10.04 to install it on my laptop (Acer Aspire 5720 bought in September 2007 I believe with Windows Vista by default. Back then - I would have killed for Vista ! Why ? Compared to fade Windows XP - Vista had the sexy slick glass looks. Yes, I am shallow.

I couldn't update the Windows in December of that year, because I don't have a rooter at home and something just fucked up - I shouldn't have disabled the default firewall - maybe it was what triggered the whole drama. Anyway, I ended up with a seriously fucked up laptop - not running decently half the time. In the last two years - enormous amounts of crashing, blue screens and error messages.

One day I just had enough.

Firstly, uninstalling vista was a plain fucking nightmarish pain in the ass ! Right-clicking on the C-drive and selecting format didn't do anything about it. I never found the format thing in the menu either and boot from cd ? forget it ! It took me half the day to discover that by default, that option was disabled in the moot mode when launching the computer.

I did it my way then. Manually deleted a few files in C drive - put in the Ubuntu bootable cd and F12-ed the whole thing.

Of course, Ubuntu being the generous self it is - offered to split the drive, but I chose a complete erasing of windows and full space for the new kid on the Pc. Loaded like a charm ! Much faster than Windows.

Set up in 7 steps could have been ran with success by a 10 year old kid or younger !

Defaulft screen after I picked a wallpaper

A selection of wallpapers

Menu - this is the equivalent of Windows start button

Games menu

Graphics - Notice how it's easy - convenient and a bliss to navigate : very logic

Office - Open office is the Free equivalent of Windows Microsoft Office - with also a very logic, easy to naviguate and user friendly design - the very recent versions, on top, are fully compatible with microsoft office formats ;)

Your Media center : watch, edit, make movies - burn dvds - record sounds

This is the same as Windows Control Panel

Instead of having zillions of icons of shortcutes on your desktop - Ubuntu likes to have them all organized in one neat drop down menu ! If you look for the trashbin, by the way, it's the last icon in the very bottom of the right hand side corner ! after the 4 boxes which are 4 other customizable desktops ;) Because that is the charm of Ubuntu : you can run 12 desktops if you need that much ;) This is the default one. Lucid Lynx is the latest they launched and there are others.

The System Preferences lets you fully customize your environment as your heart wishes - down the fonts and sizes ! And they do have some pretty cute and fancy and yet classy and readable fonts !

As mentionned : you can pick the font you want for the various "sections" of your Pc - general appearance - documentes - so you can have 5 different types of fonts running as default fonts.

Inserted a local Québec production movie Good Cop - Bad Cop

Very soft on the eyes - a part of the menu with the playlist simple and neat on the right hand side.

Screen saver selection ! I absolutely Love this ant ! so cuuute !

This lamp imitates glass fiber glasses and actually changes colors randomly

Ubuntu coders didn't forget that among their uses - there are females who like fluffy cute pink stuff !

If you like biology - I strongly suggest the splitting cells ! it's life in front of your eyes !

And of corse - the Matrix code is among the best - and free ( !! ) default choices Ubuntu has :D I mean come on ! half the world if not more went nuts over that movie and we literally craved to get a piece of it ! any format was good.

This is what I was referring earlier on : you can have as many desktops running as you wish and you can navigate between them ! You need one desktop for professional purposes and looks ? fine. But you are a hardcore fan of SpongeBob Squarepants but it's not professional eh - screw limitations ! You can have both a boring yet corporately acceptable desktop and Bob making jelly fish bubbles in the one right next to it :D the better of all worlds.

Notepad ! Made intelligent and sexy and useful ! in all ways possible.

A notebook is similar to a folder ! See the logic ? You want to take notes about your biology course : make a notebook labeled Biology - and you automatically know that all your Bio notes are in there ! by default :D Like a folder or a an actual tabbed note pad ;)

Here you can see that the first note that I wrote, which I wanted in that specific note pad - has been automatically been inserted in it :D

Example of a quick note - and a wink at a friend ;)

Games !!! Hellyeah baby !! yes - there is a tetris in that group shot ! ( intelligent games, mah-jong, Mines, solitaire, tetris and sudoku !!) I haven't verified for all games but most of them : easy - medium - hard

A true classic - no matter the OS - Solitaire ! Except that with Ubuntu - you get a freakin' rich selection of types of solitaires ! explore the menus to discover new challenges

Intelligent games ! Because - why waste your time, if you can waste it and get more brilliant by the same occasion ? calculation - memory - logic - words - to make of you a clever person ;)

Example of an intelligent game : how many squares in total ?

^-^ yay I got it right !

I'm a mah-jong fan since grade school ! goodness gracious thank you Ubuntu ppl for having put this game in the default games !! of course the background color is customizable, as the softness of the tiles

Mines - yet another true classic :D

^__^ and voila ! my very first few hours on Ubuntu !

Fun facts :

Ubuntu starts and shuts down in about less than 5 seconds (with a 3 year old laptop with 2 gig ram)

file transfer is so freakin, quick - you don't have time to blink, even less for a coffee like with Windows.

This thing is fast !

Just like Windows vista, you can have your main home clock and as many other clocks as you wish -

I still feel lost

2010-05-23T15:17:00.000-07:00

I dunno but everything at this moment in my life feels like falling apart. I don't know where I stand anymore. I feel more and more like a walking and thinking zombie.

I almost wish I could be otaku or more clearly hikikomori.

I don't know what I want - concretely. Or, no, I do. What botters me is the options. If my heart could stop shifting like a fucking balance long enough ! but sooner or late it shifts and there goes the other option on the rise.

I want my freedom - my own home - my own place. I don't want an apartment, though - i cannot stand that fucking neighborhood life ! I want quiet and isolated place.

Do I go with photography passion and have a side job or stay at my current job - if they want to keep me and have money income secured ?

Revelation

2010-05-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

*copied from live chat with lil bro today*

I think I decided I won't go to Dawson in photography this fall. Today it's been the second time that question was asked. The first time, I was in my second or third week at work and Debbie called me to Salvador's office (Debbie is my team leader, Salvador I have no flippin' idea - he's the head of Charter flights department i think but I could be wrong - he looks like a leader or a boss) and a third man, tall, blond 50's very British to the core accent who's an ever bigger boss ! He asked me how I see my future. I honestly replied that I subscribed at Dawson and I was awaiting an answer. Salvador explained a bit the procedure to him and I nodded.

Today, Debbie asked me if I had news of the school. I said no - not yet. And I realized something in the moment right after ! I didn't want to happen. I didn't any longer wanted to be accepted and if I was - I would refuse.

I honestly like my spot at Air Inuit ! I like the work, I don,t need to be fake around the ppl - there are small groups of friends but at the moment I'm with no one - in my circle - doing my work and no one takes it personally that I'm a bit silent and quiet and do the job ! As I told you - I always come in advance ( 8:15 though I am paid from 8:30), I don't take the 2 times 10 minutes break that I could normally take - I do an impeccable job ! very rarely mistakes and so minor that I can correct them at the second step of my work flow. I very rapidly grew at ease with my work - do it well - and I'm getting quicker and quicker.

Today, I had to do Joe's job (a part of it) since he's on vacation (he's my sort of guide ? helper - he shows me the stuff to do) and so I entered all the 48 checks we had received : it balanced out with the amount of the photocopies I had made ( meaning I didn't miss a single cent in the entry) for a first timer on the calculating machine with the paper roll - I felt happy and proud you could have seen my fingers go with ease and comfort !

And as I was doing the rest of my work - I realized it.

I do photography for the thrills - because I love the shutter sound - for me it's ... aphrodisiac. It fully satisfies me to hear that sound - to press the button - to capture one second among all infinity of the past present and future. I love cameras and what I love is to collect them like trophies ! like an old sense of pride - yeah baby I can afford to throw 3k in a piece of metal junk ! I see the new Olympus Ep1 or 2 as a new "objet de convoitise" a something I need to own - i strive to own - I want to own !!

this morning, as I was rolling in the bus, I noticed how the lil perpendicular streets that touch Cote Vertu where I was - were so green with trees and grass and cute little houses ! I saw a couple to sale ...

I thought how wonderful it would be to be fully myself : buy the Japanese things i want, spend a fortune in delivery fees, buy the clothes I want, the PCs, the games, eat the stuff I want at the hour I want (if I want a burning hot tea at 9pm for example) go out on week ends - do the groceries and get what I want where I want ! sleep naked in winter, or watch torture movies when I have a down (martyrs and the horsemen for example - i was hooked on them last year in fall ... or before ? I was in a depressive period so uber dark movies with pain felt ... just right ! ) I want to buy dolls (Sabik for starters, and a few 50 more) and a canon EOS 50D Mark 2 with the chroma shit i saw on youtube and all that stuff.

I will have my own garden, flowers, vegetables, a pool even !

I want to have my own freedom - my own life - my own rules - my own responsibilities - my own thinking and deciding of stuff. My own way of spending the money I earned through my work.

And even if this doesn't pay nowhere near what I am supposed to get as a medical archivist - I think I honestly don't give an epic fuck ! Let's do life baby steps - like everyone else.

But I want my House !

Avatar the movie - epic fail

2010-05-01T08:51:00.001-07:00

My dad bought the dvd so I am watching it.

1 - the american machismo is epic fail ! It's not by representing the marines as a bunch of heartless on steroids pushed by national ego and pride that the rest of the world will see them any better than a bunch of ruthless morons who'll take what ever they want no matter the ways.

2 - the pink flowers that Jake sees on his first day in the jungle ... if they saw BBC's Seas of LIfe - they wouldn't be so high and mighty about ... plants and stuff

3 - the landscapes being ouh lala : have they seen Lord of the Rings and Jurassic Parc saga ?

4 - the illuminated plants at night : have they seen The Last Rainforest ?

5 - And wow - the female blue cat speaks English. How convenient ! This is clearly a pure egoistical standpoint of vue, but when I daydreaming of White Darkness ( © me ) I do not speak Ancient Latin, and nor does Sabik and Sammael speak modern English or French to be convenient with me ! When I was in my Japanese moment, I didn't conveniently spoke Japanese and even if Kamenashi for the sake of the story spoke English, chose NOT TO, to make it more the experience of living in a foreign world. Are we that afraid that we cannot assume the differences where outside of our lil comfort zone ??

6 - illuminated path of moss as they walk : did you knew that there are fluorescent bacteria in the ocean waters which illuminate as you move if you are in the sea water at night ? and floating Medusa ... oh Christ, just go see a flippin' documentary about the seas and you'll see more than you ever wished for ! "pure spirits" ... yeah Medusa are pure too : they are brainless and yet they are among the most efficient killing machines down there.

7 - Ohh so there is a school to teach the locals English. Miracle it's not a religious based torture and rape seance tryin' to humanize the blue cats. Still - it's never explained HOW long it must have taken, how did the locals reacted when they first approached ? In Pocahantas at least, there is begining and an end. In this Avatar movie, it's Flat dive into it and accept it and be a happy moron.

8 - the tree of prayers and ancestors : again, pale imitation of Ferngully The Last Rainforest 3/4's end sequence.

9 - Oh yeah, that's it - fuck the enemy and than destroy their dreams and hopes ! Oh and yeah - total lack of communication ! No sense of knowing who is the local and who is your own damn rookie infiltrating them !

10 - the destruction of the forest and the ppl meeting in that tree of the ancestors : sooo Ferngully it's not even a funny copy paste.

11 - Grace (the woman chief scientist) swapping into the Na'vi Body : that is soo Ghost in the Shell spiritualized ! Two bodies - mind swapping. (not that I criticized the technological way of how the humans enter their avatars, but I have the same opinion about it. Ghost in the shell theory and fact applied to this movie. )

12 - Final conclusion : watch Ghost in the Shell : Innocence, to see real mind blowing visual technology.

Analogies which make you realize

2010-04-26T20:19:00.000-07:00

I had found one my fave childhood authors on facebook and so of course I invited him to be friends. Taken by surprise that he accepted and blessed that he shares a few long chats with me - he made me realize something !

In this current third reply of his - we are discussing how authors influenced us and how he sees the authors which influence him. He used the analogy of an internship - taking what is useful and moving on. I on the opposite, with my romantic nature, take each author for a temporary lover, to whom I give a bit of my time and passion in exchange for his dreams and stories.

But what fascinates me is the exceptions rule. He quoted a few names and I thought of my bunch. Tanith Lee, Marion Zimmer Bradley, Judith Kellman. All females. Which basically just bashes the theory of the lovers. I can love men, I can be their passionate lover but in the end, the ones who completely marked me as a late teen and adult were females. (While I cannot deny that the 3-4 who greatly influenced me to life in my prime childhood are all males. )

I guess I am bi to the core. Even in the choice of my authors.

At the dawn of 30's - how do I feel ?

2010-04-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

Hello epic question.

It came about like an insidious lil bug. Innocent comment from a man - a friend of mine - who was 35 about when we met. He is a feet and stocking fetishist - I provided him with a pair - we became friends but never saw each another time after that one day of our first meet.

It just didn't worked out and it simply wasn't meant to be and I don't regret it in any shape or form.

But what he asked me, does bother me slightly.

How does it feel ? How do I feel it ?

Honestly I haven't quite thought of it - and in the moments where I have - I only found pure deception.

Two diplomas (graphic design ~ professional school and medical archiving ~ college) and no stable job. It's like the men. The real human ones lasted from 36 hours to 6 months (and here I picked the two extremes - standard was 2-3 months with me) ... just like the jobs. 3 months here, two weeks there. No stability.

The only stable men were Sabik who lasted over 2 years before the little unplanned post man earth quake devastated me (just to be fashionable and in the season - I mean earth quakes are the hip in 2010) and currently Henri, in who's arms, I find true appeasement and comfort. Henri is like Aramis - like Samael - the Blond Man of my dreams with whom no matter what I feel comfortable, safe and happy.

Alas, neither Sabik nor Henri are real.

So... does that fit the reverse image ?

Fake men : last long. Real men disgust me. Real jobs last barely 3 months. Fake job will give me security ?

I could think of a thousand of fake jobs but I don't feel up to prostitution and I'm worth shit at shooting, so professional ... what is even the correct term... professional killer ... is as less likely to happen and make me happy.

A new guy on MSN - who found me on MySpace (to where I don't even bother go anymore) sort of proposed me to become a teacher in China or Seoul. With no qualifications - how the flippin' hell would I convince anyone that I am the right person to teach those folks English language ? I don't know how to speak any Asian language so ... hello barrier. What if students can't speak decently enough in English for me to understand their questions.

And as all other things, this proposition only left me day dream of Henri. Anything is a good enough of an excuse to spend time with him. He'd be great as the French teacher - lol.

Alternative lives do keep my mind sane. As much as I can.

Photography does the rest of the job.

But, in fact, I'm deeply unsatisfied, unhappy, feeling empty.

My little brother and our projects together are about the only bridge between me and reality. But I would need so much more. I would need a stable firm land. A fucking guarantee of stability and routine and that stuff that makes life how life is defined by a vast majority of individuals to who's group I would like to eventually belong. The group that has a stable job, a home where they feel safe and happy, activities, friends ... a normal life.

I randomly look at the soft halo of the computer screen's glow on my tea mug and all I can think of is : how beautiful it would be if I could take a picture of this - just how it looks in my eyes, how my eyes reflect this image on my retina and how my brain interprets it. All I can think of is photography - even in my daydreams with Henri or Sabik - photography is always there.

With Sabik, I was working as a camera woman, in the boat scenario, I was a gay porn model photographer in the original story (where I found his family name), I was the photographer who took his corporate shots when he was the Chairman ...

With Henri, it's the same. Since I loose my camera in the bus accident, he temporarely lends me his father's old Leica - an old one with a film, with manual settings, with manual tricks.

Funny how I cannot conceive my life and my happiness without a camera. Without the action of taking pictures, of framing life, it's content and it's shadows and hopes. Even my tea mug looks good enough to be shot - in this dim ethereal digital light.

At the dawn of my 30's I feel ... lost and incomplete. All my girlfriends - the ones who counted the most for me - are now since long married and have kids of their own - I, the rebellious one, am alone by choice (not that I regret it) but it seems that ... or is it me imagining it : in life it's either take it all or lose it all. They do have the career, the lover, the house.

I am stuck in a place that drives me mad, with people that oppress me and my freedoms and without a stable concrete solid employment.

And at the very moment, without news yet of Dawson as per my application into photography course.

Though, I should be used. It did take O'Sullivan a good 2-3 months !

Only -

Only I so desperately hope to be accepted and move on and find in this schoola nd program my salvation.

If I don't get accepted - if it doesn't work out - what will I be at 27, the dawn of my 30's ?

A looser ? A failure ?

I am wondering ...

I am wandering .

So that's all I am ...

2010-04-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

It's been about over a month than an ex of mine tries to seduce me back into a quick time with him (thought I doubt he would be satisfied with only one and would certainly try for more) using the charming pretext that we haven't seen each other in so long.

Hmmmm.

My very first ex hasn't seen me since' I'm 20 and after he added me on Facebook, never even said hi. This second one is a tenacious lil bastard though. Proposing movie theater (take a wild guess for what reason), than a porn movie at his home ( !! ) which I turned around in all honesty : if you want a porn movie with me, it better be gay ! to which he proposed a porn theater downtown, in the village, which I refused : sperm makes me throw up no matter the context !

Than he proposed an afternoon back at Old Port of Montreal where during the summer which I spent with him, we used go there and he got his way into my pants - hands first, to be precise. It seems he never quite got over that memory ! I fucked 3 other dudes after him, plus one with whom I didn't got that far (lack of ... time possibility during the day) and I didn't felt much pain or regret or ... what ever. I moved on.

He has this girlfriend since we became roommates (back 6 years ago) - a girl which I know - and he still "ha[s] a pleasant memory of [my] kisses" ... Christ ! He has been fucking this girl for the last 6 years and he thinks of MY kisses ??

in french : Lamentable !!

Than, today, I was randomly on facebook to reply to a chat I had with another friend of mine and this other man with whom I spent a day (no intimate encounter of any kind though) still misses my open mind-ness for his fetish (stockings and feet) and still fantasies about me !

Oh dear heavens ! what have I done ?!

Yet, when I honestly tell him that I had moved on, spent about over 2 years fantasizing about another man (Sabik) and now doing the same with yet another (Henri) he suddenly ... cools off. Waits a good 5 minutes before asking a socially decent and neutral question : at the dawn of your 30's, do you feel changed, different than when you were 18-20 ?

Obviously yes !

I prefer the thrills of spirituality to the frivolities of flesh pleasures ! I prefer the thrills of being madly in love with a memory, a dream, a ghost than to be deceived and hurt by a living pack of cells who lets itself be ruled by hormones.

So that's all I am for my exes : great sex for free - no problems, no questions. A free prostitute - even, a slut - since I wouldn't ask nothing in return and I doubt they would give anything in exchange either.

That's all I am - "a great time" a great memory ...

I prefer my vivid memories of Sabik and Henri and even both at the same time is more enjoyable than one of my real exes !

And since we are into it - why not make an orgy ? Jorgen, Fritz, Sam - come in join the fun !

My childhood - teenhood - lost and found

2010-03-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

I was desperately searching - on a quest, actually - of books that had marked me during my childhood and my teenage hood.

I have author names, titles, which never quite left my memory : Denis Côté, Joël Champetier, Philippe Gauthier ... but I had these evasive stories which I couldn't remember neither the author nor the title. A pain.

I spent more than 10 years looking - searching - desiring to find them back !

And the heavens have their very own humor.

"The answer is at your feet!" and I quite mean that literally. My personal book library is facing my bed. There is one shelf at the level of my mattress, thus at m feet. On that shelf I have the smaller sized books and "romans" (stories). Tonight, for no particular reason but to check out if I could find anything at all through the Editor's website - not much hope floating around me, though - I took out a book. Le Bagarreur (Bad Boy in it's original title) and so I went on the Tysseyre edition website and nearly had a heart attack as titles from my past re-surfaced, with the same covers as when I was in grade school and in high school. Hope rose a little bit.

Until one page after another I kept on stumbling on titles that I had cherished through out my life.

I thought - and I could have sworn my life on it - that the title of this book I was so desperately searching for - was Un jeu dangereux ( A dangerous game ) but I found the light tonight. It's actually Un si bel enfer, by Louis Émond. Louis Émond - such a French name, how could I have forgotten it ! As a kid, I was very aware of the fact that I was an emigrant from an European country and how these authors had so perfectly French names.

In grade school, I had read this book about a girl, her mother and this man who keeps calling her Alice, while her name is Celia. It spoke of the dead, the afterlife, hypnosis and such. It basically addicted me to parapsychology and the Near Death Experiences and Life after Death themes - which consumed my teenage years. I remembered the story, but I couldn't remember the story - and as I flipped through the pages, I had the most delightful heart beat skip when I stumbled on the cover. Merveilles au pays d'Alice ( Wonders in Alice's country/world). That is the origin and the reason why I am Ailime on the internet. Celia is Alice spelled backwards. Ailime is Emilia spelled backwards ;)

Another one that I greatly appreciated and missed. It's a story about how scientist manage to reproduce a unicorn with the genetic code found inside a corpse found in an iceberg and they want to use the unicorn or it's horn for something bad but a girl saves him and runs away with him - ensues a very beautiful friendship and lessons of life. Clair de Lune

Random titles which marked me as a kid/teen

Le secret de Qader - Le chateau de fer - L'héritage de Qader
Edgar le Bizarre - L'Étrange amour d'Edgar
Panique au cimetière
La requête de Barrad - La prisonnière de Barrad - Le voyage de la Sylvanelle -
Les hockeyeurs cybernétiques
Red Lerouge

I do "impressive works"

2010-03-25T13:19:00.001-07:00

It started at one of the breaks today, the lunch break or the second one in the afternoon. A colleague who replaces me during mybreaks asked me what I would be doing after this current contract at Xerox downtown Montreal office (receptionist contract of 2 weeks) and I said that I had nothing planned but it was a welcomed break because I planned on going to the mountain and take some beaver pictures - hoping that I would actually catch them !

She asked me if I took pictures and I said yes, giving her some of my links (flickr, jpg mag, picasa).

She came back about an hour later, maybe an hour and a half, and she was stunned.

"Did you took those pictures ? All of them ?" she asked
"Yeah..." I replied sort of surprised (of course - i wouldn't have taken stolen shots and claimed they were mine!)
"Some of them are uneblievable !" she continued

And so it seems I have two more fans ! Sonia and Jacques (who both at intervals replace me at the front desk reception during my breaks and lunch hours) are amazed by the pictures I can take !

Sonia was struck by the snails in Ireland and so we had a lil chit chat about my equipment (the 2 Canons ) and the very detail that no I had never followed courses before but yes I had applied to Dawson in photography and was hoping to get an answer eventually. (And I really fucking hope with every fiber of my soul and existence to be accepted !)

I let her know that my pictures on picasa were at a higher resolution and available to be downloaded as wallpapers - she was obviously impressed during the whole chat !

Even funnier detail, she lives in the same quarter as me - on the other side of the commonly shared Jarry park.

Isn't the world a little place, as the French expression says ;)

It also feels awesome - coming from someone that absolutely doesn't know me at all - to hear that that person actually likes and has a high esteem of my work ! It simply feels good to be recognized by an unbiased person. I tend to think - to fall in the trap of belief - that friends are biased and because they are friends they feel obliged to say nicer things or nice things just because. So once in a while - the opinion, expresed words of total strangers is the best thing to boost the confidence and the hopes ;)

Moxie Dolls

2010-03-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I couldn't resist ! They are cute - they are adorable - they are nice - and they are ... a bit more budget accessible than a new BJD doll - even a small format one so ... and I was simply dyin' to get new models to play around with and pose and shoot and create stories with.

Avery model/sculpt (the cute blondie with blue eyes) has been officially re-named Sybi (as my little puffy girl character) and Sophina (whom I picked solely because she has brown eyes) - will take the role of Sybi's best friend (the Coffee Fairy) and has been re-named Cody.

I dunno yet what kind of stories I will make but I want them silly and humorous like our very literal humor on msn.

On with the piccies !

More Photos on my Flickr

Official Moxie Dolls website

Dolls of Color - a blog where I discovered these

I was actually watching television and saw the Liv dolls tv add and decided to google them and I came across this blog which showed me even better alternatives ! Moxie girls :D

I wish - and I hope it'll be the case in the future - sets of clothing and accessories will be sold seperately from the dolls ! It was actually hard to chose which model because of the clothes ! ^-^;; I actually ended up buying 2 Avery dolls (one with a chopper bike and 2 sets of clothes), this pink one and Sophina ! A possible combination would have been Avery and Sophina in a box but with a costume I didn't particularly loved and about as many dolls as costumes are shown on the official website under Products - Dolls section.

Video Gaming at 26 y.o

2010-03-13T09:49:00.000-08:00

It actually feels quite something, strange almost - I feel like that man in First Descent movie, who started snowboarding at 60 - It feels odd to start serious video gaming at 26 years old.

I installed Unreal Tournament III - the ambiance, the music, the characters - I miss Torch tough... he's not in UT III *sniffles - my Torchie-Pie*

Anyway, in the first game I killed 2 times and was killed about 10 times or more - lol - I got so used to use the keyboard shortcuts for that game, that the actual joy stick feels weird !

But the whole experience - the thrill to see the backgrounds, their type of music, their characters, story ...

Than, I installed Shaun White Snowboarding game and ...

And Shaun White gave me a 9.5 for the balls of doing some ... tricks on snowboarding - I dunno it's part of the game to encourage but holy fuck thanks Dude !! He digs my moves ? W00t !

When I think that I spent 30 minutes or more finding the HQ in DOOM 3 and the dude there said that I was not there to do Tourism ... and I get a 9.5 as a starter with snowboard... pretty clear what type of game I'm made for !

I already had 3-4 run downs the hill, got a pretty good score over all ! Learning to manipulate the commands for more flips and in the air jumps and rotations and it's nuts ! to see the character up in the air, the mountains in the background, the clear blue sky, the sun !! I feel as if I'm there riding that board myself !

*love the soundtrack too !! wanna piece of my heart - wanna be part of the show ? it's classic teen rock sort of cute stuff - I love that cute indie rock angle - it's exactly the underground life style of snowboarders !

I always dreamed to see and to play a game where I can fluidly go down hills, jump and rotate in the air, do tricks and see that white snow all over the place ! It almost feels real. And for once, I picked a girl boarder ! (I always pick guy players to represent me)

This is soooo much better than sex, it makes me wonder why ppl strive for that so much...

Random Poems

2010-03-10T09:32:00.000-08:00

I found these in my folder while putting some order in my texts folder - never shared so here they are -

Poem for Sammael

and though they say you are but a shadow in my heart
who are they to pretend to know the tides in my soul
who are they to prentend to know the waves of passion
which constantly bring you back to my shores ?

who are they to judge our affection
when in their souls love has died so long ago
who are they to critize our promises
when their words are empty and meaningless

they don't know the depths of our love
they don't imagine the pain I suffer
they don't hear the longing whisper of my sorrow
but their ignorant words fly like arrows.

Inspiré par un ciel orageux

Que mon coeur brûle dans le feu de l’enfer
Mon âme à jamais prisonnière
Ta presence, ton existence est mon dongeon

Dans le ciel – l’enfer connaitra ce soir sa gloire
Bouc conduisant fièrement sa troupe
À la guerre s’en va l’enfer.

À la guerre s’en va l’enfer ce soir
Une armée de chevaux de nuage et de colère
Le diable les mène au champ de bataille
Loups voraces, affamés, courent dans la nuit tombante
L’enfer sera victorieux ce soir

Nuages comme des massues
Abbatez votre grêle sur le petit peuple
Démons, de vos épées coupez et tuez
Les hommes de la terre supris

Incomplete love poem

Loneliness is a never ending winter
Sorrow is a cold and empty night
My heart is here, but yours will go
Your soul is here, but mine will go.

A tear is hanging on the tip of my finger
I

Canon EOS 50D

2010-02-11T12:09:00.000-08:00

Yes - finally - after all the time spent drooling, wondering, dreaming, hearing the shutter in my night dreams, imagining awesome pictures in my day dreams, I am a new owner of a Canon EOS 50D (mark 1- the original old school one - lol )

It came a little as a "bump in the road". I planned on buying second hand from kijiji.com but since the two offers which interested me never answered back to my emails - after a decent 2 weeks delay - and since the course of life has it's own path, the big event happened today.

My dad had the day off, since he's having a week of exams this week, and since he has the only monthly paid bus Opus card, and since mom wanted to take advantage of that, she went early one to do the groceries at her usual spots.

I took the advantage of that to sneak out and go see L.L.Lozeau camera shop (and the actual body of the Canon EOS 50D is about 50$ less than than in most electronics shops such as Future Shop or Best Buy

L.L.Lozeau - Canon EOS 50D Body only - 1 149.99$
Future Shop - Canon EOS 50D Body only - 1 199.99$
Best Buy - Canon EOS 50D Body only - 1 199.99$

So, since the shop opens at 8 - I left home around 7:40am to get there in time to buy it and quickly come back home since, with mom, it's pretty impossible to do a clear official declared shopping without risking world war 3 and a apocalypse.

The store is located near the metro station Beaubien, in the Plaza St-Hubert, on Bellechasse street and St-Hubert. I have to admit, it felt strange to be back there. My ex, Carl, actually lived on Bellechasse, very near the shop and I haven't been there since 2005. I don't know why exactly, but in my memory, the store's location was ... higher up, toward Jean-Talon metro station and so, stressed, rushed and not looking the street names, I walked up way too much ! nearly up the first section of the Plaza. I had finally the good idea to ask a young woman about the facts and I had to walk 2 whole sections back ! Then, as usually do, I asked God or someone up there to give me the right hunch as to where to turn : left or right. It was left. From the corner, I haven't even seen the store ! I had to walk along it's side, to actually notice the logo up on the building, near the roof, so I walked back and entered.

Surely the store is bigger than it looks ! And don't let their cute little practical website fool you ! They do have TONS of things and it's camera galore heaven ! not to mention lenses and tripods and all sorts of equipment.

I headed towards the back where a client was talking with an employee and got the attention of another one. As my usual talent leads me to do things - I stated the facts.

Bonjour, je veux acheter une camera. (Good morning, I want to buy a camera) - yeah I am that easy! I do my research in advance so I can be on the field like a pro.

He asked which cam - I answered.

In the end, I ended up with the body of the camera and a Sigma lens ( Sigma APO DG 70-300 1:4 - 5.6 ) which works wonders ! I love spying into the distance and macro photography and this works wonders !

And then, when I think all is over and I cash out - I get a nifty little surprise. The Desjardins card has a limit of 1 000 and since my stuff was above the limit, no access. Crap ! I felt like a fool.

Rushed back home, praying mom would not be home yet - or else I was busted. Matter of fact, she was ! So I said I just walked to the parc (Jarry) and took some shots. It worked. I used the bus card to head back -though, also mentioning that I needed to go the library to give back some books. So I stopped at the bank to take some cash out, half rushed back to the store and my stuff was there on the counter. The cashier boy (rather cute and classy) and the Assistant Chief Cashier girl (almost equally as cute) were talking about my case. What if I didn't come back ? They would just ship back my stuff to the warehouse above on the upper floor. BUT since there I was in front of them ^-^ we could carry on with the business.

Just as I was making eye contact with the cashier boy, I noticed on my right side Jean-René Dufort, also know locally as Infoman (!!) standing there also picking up somthing ! Wiicked !! After he was done, I asked the girl if they had regularly celebrities coming to their store and she smiled and nodded and the other cashier girl shared her experience with another tv show hostess.

I greeted good day to everyone and headed out.

On way to the library! ... to in fact give back some books and take some out. There wasn't much of a variety of books about the topic which I hadn't already read or taken out but I was pleased and surprised to find Eyewitness Companion - Photography by Tom Ang ! I would have never believed that this collection of books - usually tourist guides about countries around the world - would have the topic of cameras and photography in general ! I'm a sold fan of their style, work and way of putting a book together so I snatched this one.

Coming home - after I dropped by the Super C to buy concentrated orange juice since Mom asked me to - the trick was to actually make it look like I hadn't bought anything ! Not quite an easy task with two ... considerable sized boxes, but I had planned my thing ! I had put my other camera's pouch bag (Canon Power shot SXi 10 IS) in my purse - pretending that I am bringing it with myself - and voila ;) The two boxes were than shrank down to minimal size, put in the bigger bag I had brought for the books, the new camera in the pouch, the lens in it's own pouch in the purse too and with the help of free Metro newspapers, I could hide the top part of the camera's box which would have otherwise betray me.

Acting cool was also a big part of the game. Never let her even thing I did anything else than borrow books and buy juice.

So for the moment, I have the cam resting in the pouch, the lens in it's own pouch, the battery charged, and one extra in the pouch pocket, with the recharger.

What I need to do is :
1 - Read and learn the manual
2 - Get a bigger Compact Flash card. The one I currently have, a 32 MB one that came with the first Canon Power Shot A80 that I bought way back then in ... 2003 or around that time ... is completely out dated for this type of high capacity camera !
3 - Practice a bit more with it - learn to handle it - to be comfortable around it.
4 - See what other lenses - basic or specific - that I would like, need and can afford - with time ;)

But' quite freakin' happy I finally have the cam !

And I'm calling it Philippe. <3

Pas de Calais - Chapitres 1 à 5

2010-01-30T15:33:00.000-08:00

1 – La mer

La mer est une mère qui accueuille dans ses bras qu’importe le nom, la race, l’origine ethnique. La mer ouvre ses bras et accueuille les cœurs désamparés et blessés. La mer est généreuse et donne son amour inconditionnel, qu’importe qui la demande et comment.

Je me suis jettée de plein fouet dans ls bras accueuillants de la mer du nord de la Bretagne, espérant et souhaitant que les eaux froides rafraichiraient les brûlures de mon cœur.

Les vagues roulaient comme pour mieux m’accueuillir, elles grondaient un genre de bienvenue rauque et à demi étouffé, mais mon cœur lui, comprenait le doux chant des sirènes.

« Viens, viens à nous cœur éplorée et déplorée, viens que nous te berçions dans nos bras. Nous te ferons oublier tes soucis et tes chagrins. Nous sommes tes sœurs, ta mère, ta confidente. Nous sommes là pour toi, pour appaiser ta peine. »

J’écoutai ces paroles enchanteresses et mes pas, comme guidés par une force indépendante de ma volonté, dirigeaient bon gré malgré le reste de mon corps vers les vagues qui écumaient de passion dévorante. Elles aussi ont aimé. Elles aussi ont un éternel amour déçu.

L’eau était froide. Presque glaciale contre la chaleur intime de mon corps, mais plus j’avançai, plus un bien être indescriptible me prenait et plus l’envie d’avancer plus loin devenait intensément forte.

Il me sembla que la première vague voulait me repousser vers la plage, mais c’était une petite vague immature, et la seconde, plus grande, plus autoritaire et beaucoup plus forte m’attira avec une telle puissance qu’il me fut impossible à ce moment là de reculer, de faire demi tour. La vague suivante confirma les efforts de la seconde et m’entraîna encore plus loin dans la mer houleuse. Soudain, la plage était loin, et la réalisation des efforts qu’il me faudrait pour nager vers la terre sainte et ferme de mes anciens espoirs me fit paniquer. J’étais en enfer et je ne le réalisai qu’à moitié.

Or, la seule et unique chose à ne pas faire en mer est bel et bien de ne pas paniquer. Le corps reprend le contrôle sur les désespérances du cœur et s’agite comme un poisson dans un fillet … ou plutôt comme un triste poulet jetté à la mer. La peur sauvage s’empare des sens, les bras gesticulent, les yeux se ferment, ils refusent de regarder la triste réalitée en face. Les pieds, comme dans un espace aérien liquide, perdent de leur utilité, habitude de milliers d’années acquises chèrement à marchant sur la terre solide gouvernée par une loie gravitationnelle très différente de celle de la mer.

La bouche s’ouvre, avale de l’eau salée, la recrache aussitôt, trop salée, trop froide. Trop.

Là haut, dans le ciel azur, le soleil brille et aveugle, témoin silencieux, caméraman sans équipe de plateau.
Là en bas, l’actrice principale se noie, les éléments sont contre elle, les vagues l’avalent tout rond et elle est presque foutue.

« Est-ce que tu es folle ? »

Il avait hurlé ça à qulques reprises avant que je ne l’entende.

Au début, il y avait à peine la voix lointaine, à demi étouffé par le grondement des vagues. Puis la voix devint de plus en plus présente et claire.
Contact visuel : c’était un homme, un jeune homme, blond, avec des soupçons de rouille tons pastel, délavé. Tout devient délavé après un contact aussi passioné avec la mer. Il nageait vers moi, comme s’il fonçait sur moi. Il répétait sa question, mais je ne répondais pas. De toute façon c’était clairement une évidence : oui j’étais folle. Est-ce qu’une personne saine d’esprit irait s’offrir une petite trempette dans les eaux furieuses et glaciales de la mer ?

2 – L’homme

Un bras solide et déterminé, pour ne pas dire socialement archarné, s’enroula autour de ma poitrine et une force tout aussi déterminée m’attira contre son corps. Une main d’homme solide trouva position sur ma gorge, sous mon menton et comme d’instinc ou d’expérience, poussa mon visage pour le haut – pour m’empêcher d’avaler trop d’eau salée, ce qui par le fait même me força a recracher la dernière gorgée.
Une jolie quinte de toux digne d’une bonne pneumonie me prit et sur le coup je pensais que mon bon Sammaritain avait fait sa part, féliciations, mais que peut-être il était trop tard de toute façon.

« Respire, gamine! Respire ! »

Gamine ? C’était moi qu’il appelait gamine ? Et de quel droit, Monsieur ? Je n’ai eue qu’une dizaine de seconde pour le regarder mais il n’était pas si vieux, pas plus de quelques années de plus que moi … ou plus jeune avec une maturité et une force tranquille ancienne ancrée dans son être, comme un héritage très ancien et très solide.

Son autre bras, celui qui ne s’archarnait pas à me maintenir à la surface de l’eau, faisait des mouvements rotatifs pour aider le reste de son corps à nager vers la plage. Je pouvais sentir la puissance de ses jambes qui poussaient son corps et un poids presque mort à contre courant, contre les vagues déchaînées, furieuses, froides, pour nous ramener à la terre ferme. Je me sentais totalement idiote.

Le grondement des vagues devint de plus en plus lointain, distant, presque comme un souvenir qu’on perd, qu’importent les efforts pour le garder vif. Et mon corps redevint d’une lourdeur insuportable quand mon sauveur me déposa sur le sable humide et frais, mais bien moins froid quel’eau.

Il s’était penché sur moi, son ombre me protégeait du soleil et sans le dire, j’en étais reconnaissante.

Une main derrière ma nuque me fit lever le menton, et pendant que deux doigts me pinçaient sans ménagement le nez, deux autres doigts tout aussi forts me pinceaient la bouche pour forcer mes lèvres à s’ouvrir.

Mes yeux s’ouvrirent d’un coup, comme sous une impulse électrique.

« Je vais bien. J’en ai pas besoin. »

Une quinte de toux me vint encore et il m’aida à me tourner sur le côté pour recracher le restant d’eau salée que j’avais au fond de la gorge.

« Tu n’en as pas besoin, mais tu ne vas pas bien non plus ! »

Il avait ce genre de voix mi profonde, mi tendre, très rassurant pour un homme, dont les subtilités de la variation dépendaient uniquement du ton et du contenu. Et à ce moment là, je n’étais pas en position de marchander ou de remettre son autorité en question.

Et quand on ne peut remettre en question les paroles d’un homme, on peut encore moins remettre en question ses actions.

Il se releva comme si de rien n’était et me prit avec la même souplesse et force que si je n’étais qu’une enfant en bas age et commença à marcher.

3 – L’eau brûlante

Après les aux froides de la mer, la tropicalité quasi brûlante de sa douche coulait sur ma peau comme une onction bénite. Sa voix résonnait agréablement dans ma tête; « Ne me force à venir te rejoindre. » Sur le coup j’en souris comme une adolescente qui se serait fait draguer par un garçon plus âgé, mais je savais que c’était une menace plaisantine sans fondement, ce n’était pas le genre d’homme à abuser de son statut, de l’autorité et des points d’avance juste parceque l’occasion était lui était donné sur un plateau d’argent.

Le fait qu’il cogna pour s’enquérir de l’eau, de mon état moral et physique ne me surprit donc pas.

« Je t’ai apportée des serviettes et des fringues. Je n’ai que des chemises et des pantalons d’homme … »

Je glissai la porte de verre pour le regarder, mais il me tournait le dos, regardant la porte avec une dévotion digne d’une apparition de la Sainte Vierge. Les vêtements en question étaient posés sur le couvercle descendu de la cuvette de toilette : une chemise à carraux bleu, un pantalon bleu marine sombre, des chaussettes. Pas de sous vêtements.

« Je peux te prêter un de mes caleçons si tu y tiens. »

« J’apprécirais … beaucoup. »

Petit bruit discret de la porte qui s’ouvre et se referme.

L’eau qui coulait sur ma nuque et mon dos, glissait sur les courbes de ma féminité et me fit soudain réaliser, comme une épiphanie : c’était un homme et il était beau.

Je le revoyais dans la mer, sous le soleil, les cheveux qui brillaient, même s’ils étaient mouillés, sa barbe de deux semaines … je me demandais comment ça aurait été de ne pas refuser le bouche à bouche ?

Je me laissai aller contre les tuilles de la douche. Non, c’était idiot tout ça. De toute façon, folie passagère passée, l’embassade me trouvera un hôtel confortable, mes problèmes seront vite reglés et je partirai et je l’oublierai.

C’est fou comme la vie peut vous donner des claques sur la gueule quand on se laisse aller.

4 – L’eau réconfortante

« Je me suis presque suicidée et tu me donnes du sirop contre la toux ? »

« Avec la quantité d’eau froide que tu as avalée, ca ne peut pas te faire de tort. »

Une voix posée, calme, mais autoritaire et bienveillante.

J’ouvrai la bouche, pris le contenu de la cuillière et sitôt la bouche refermée, je sentais la force de sa main contre ma bouche. Le goût était fort, atroce, dégoûtant, piquant, mais avec cette main qui pressait avec une telle fermeté, impossible de recracher. Et ses yeux me regardaient si tendrement … pourquoi ? Pourquoi ses yeux m’encourageaient-ils à aller de l’avant, même si dans le présent très concret c’était vraiment difficile pour ne pas dire épouvantable.

J’avalai finalement, pris une grande respiration par le nez et serrai l’édredon du lit comme si forcer les muscles de mes mains allaient me faire oublier ce goût de rat alcolisé dans ma bouche.

Une autre respiration. Les yeux me piquaient et j’avais envie de pleurer. Il retira doucement sa main mais ne me quitta pas des yeux quand j’eus la grande idée de prendre une goulée d’air frais qui me fait tousser d’avantage. J’avalais encore, ma salive était pourtant plus que teintée de ce goût huileux et pestinentiel.

« C’est quoi cette vacherie que tu m’as donné ? »

« Syrop contre la toux de marin. Tu auras envie de courir un marathon demain. »

Je me laissais aller contre l’oreiller. Demain, c’est demain. Aujourd’hui j’ai envie de mourir.

« Je vais aller te faire du café ou du thé, ça va alléger le goût. »

Mais il ne bougea pas d’un pouce.

« Thé, s’il te plaît. »

Il sourit et se leva.

La chambre était typiquement cette chambre qui hantait ma mémoire et mon imaginaire depuis toujours : la fenêtre à ma gauche, la porte à quelques pas au bout du pied du lit, le mur de droite couvert comme une mosaique tout en relief de textures et de matériaux différents.

La fenêtre en bois, style ancien, avec des rideaux sombres et lourds en velours bleu fond de mer, presque noir, et les rideaux blancs légers, en dentelle travaillée – sûrement faite par des mains patientes et entrainées. J’aurais voulue savoir comment c’était de se réveiller dans ce lit, et regarder vers la fenêtre, comment ce serait d’entendre l’orage au travers de cette fenêtre, comment ce serait d’ouvrir la fenêtre en été pour laisser l’air marin rentrer dans la pièce ?

Une petite porte discrète, presque cachée par le peignoire accroché en soin coin, et que l’œil ne repérait qu’après s’être longuement perdue à regarder par la fenêtre, donnait sur une petite salle de bains privée mais pratique. Presque collé à la porte de cette fameuse salle de bains, la commode, en bois sombre et verni, d’allure officiellement européenne et ancienne, peut-être même un rescapé du siècle dernier, se tenait devant moi, l’allure fière et austère. Sur le sommet de sa tête, une petite télé moderne, à écran plat, lecteur DVD et une chaîne stéréo, les hauts parleurs se dressaient fièrement sur le sol, de chaque côté de la commode, comme des guardes encores plus fiers. Je souris à la vue d’une cravate cloué aux deux extremités du second tiroir et qui servait de corde à linge pour hameçons de différentes tailles et couleurs.

Le mur, de l’autre coté de la porte qui donnait sur le corridor, qui ensuite donnait sur le salon ou la cuisine, était le plus chargé, pour ne pas dire surchargé de décorations. Un énorme poisson verni et empaillé tenait dans sa gueule une chainette en avec un pendentif de croix en fleur de lys, tandis qu’à son aileron dorsale était accrochée une autre chaîne dont le pendentif représentait un petit petit bateau de pêcheur.

« Moi je suis pêcheur d’hommes »

L’homme qui m’avait sauvé de moi même l’était aussi.

Il revenait avec un plateau sur lequel deux tasses à thé et un pot formaient comme la petite communauté du social.

Il s’installa en face de moi, comme pour mieux me garder à l’oeil d’une nouvelle éventuelle bêtise et me tendit l’une des tasses.

5 – Mon Histoire

Il prit une grande cuillière du contenu du pot et la glissa dans ma tasse – du miel. Ohhh, comme la douceur de cet onctueux délice me donnait envie !

Il s’adossa contre la pièce de bois qui formait la tête du lit, se croisa les jambes et demande, de la même manière qu’un HR vous demanderait de lui résumer les points forts de votre carrière, il me demanda les circonstances qui m’ont pour ainsi dire, jetté dans les filets de ses bras.

« Ça va être long. Et ennuyant et très touristique.»

« J’ai pas entendue une bonne histoire depuis la mort de mon père. Éblouis-moi. »
Une première gorgée de thé, comme tout bon conteur se le doit de faire, et j’essayai de trouver le bon moment où commencer mes mésaventures.
Soupir.

« Eh bien, ça a commencé par un voyage de groupe. Nous partageons la photographie comme point commun, et sur un des nombreux forums sur lequel je m’étais éparpillée, un des membres a proposé de faire un voyage en Europe.

L’Europe en tant que tel … est bien merveilleux mais immense et ca m’a pas follement tentée. Et puis une autre femme a proposée de faire plusieurs voyages, par pays. Le processus a commencé par un vote : quelle région de l’Europe, puis quel pays. Le premier voyage était évidement en Italie. Vingt personnes ont formé le premier groupe. Succès total et incontestable. Trois mois plus tard, la Pologne a conquis un second groupe.

Et finalement, au septième tour, la Bretagne. »

« Old Lucky Seven. Et tu crois que ça t’a portée chance ? »

Un professeur d’université n’aurait pas mieux formulé la phrase, mieux modulé sa voix que lui, entre deux gorgées silencieuses.

Je souris avant de reprendre.

« J’ai assistée à un concert d’un groupe local dans un pub, j’ai mangée plus de poisson en une semaine que durant la totalité de ma vie – et ça c’est un miracle en soi – j’ai vue la mer ! »

Ton extatique malgré moi, les vagues, le bruit, la force de l’eau en mouvement, le ciel, les oiseaux. Je fermai les yeux pour mieux savourer le souvenir de cette première rencontre. C’est comme rencontrer une idole, on se sent en pamoîson, prêt à déclarer n’importe quelle imbécibilité romantique mais soudain, là, devant l’idole, on est à bout de mots. Rien ne sort. Que l’air salin qui rentre à plein régime par les narines, la bouche, par tous les pores de la peau.

Il but plus de thé. Je me demandai s’il avait envie de rajouter un commentaire, mais il ne dit rien. Pas la peine de tourner le couteau dans la plaie.
« Et puis vendredi après-midi est venu, comme un traître. La fin du rêve. Le voyage du retour. L’adieu. L’avion partait … il est parti ce matin, vers les 6 heures. Et je n’y étais pas.

« Et ton groupe ? »

« La majorité, si. Il y avait un groupuscule de moutons noirs dans le groupe. Deux autres Québecois, un Berbère, et moi. »

Commentaire tue, j’en étais certaine. Il but trois longues gorgées de thé.

« Nous avons décidé de passer la soirée dans un pub du coin, pour ne pas gâcher ces quelques heures dans notre hôtel. Nous voulions profiter au maximum de cette opportunité. »

À mon tour de prendre une longue gorgée de thé, pour mieux revivre les évenements

à suivre

Blond man

2010-01-08T16:21:00.000-08:00

It started last year, in the very ending of 2009. In the dream of the Thursday 26th November 2009 (not yet published, it's typed in my i pod touch) - I dreamed I was a worker with a new company and in my new team, there were two men : a tall Arabic looking with dark curly hair and a shorter, long haired blond with a beard. Along the dream, the blond man had found a ring and a bracelet in that sort of cement we were stirring and he asked me if I wanted it, and since I liked him in the dream, I accepted. I knew it was a silent form of an engagement and I did in fact desired him. The ring's top (or 3/4 of it's entirety) was forming a looping 8. The upper part was filled with gold, making a uniformity with the rest of the ring while the bottom part had a white diamond slightly yet noticeably sticking out with grace and nice design. By accepting his gift, I was silently accepting something more official and concrete. No need for words and papers - we were now together.

Later, on December the 29th, I had yet another dream where at some point, he was sitting on the front porch (actually on the stairs of the porch) of a house in which I had spent the night and as I was finishing a conversation with a lady who was a neighbor lady of the lady owner of the house, he gently said in French "Allez, on rentre à la maison, Emi ?" a half question half clear desire / proposition to go back home. He was blond with a beard, very casually dressed ; t shirt, 3/4 pants of a light color and sandals. He said that with so much love and caring in this voice and so softly ! the memory of it makes me want to go with him ! where ever home could be.

Continuing, like a logical follow up of the story (first asking my hand, then asking me to go home with him) comes the actual home dream. January 2nd 2010 I dreamed I finally went to a house but I believe it was his parent's house - though I cannot for sure associate the other man with him, and yet, it's highly possible it could have been his father. The small and think path in the snow - large enough only for one person a time - led to 3 houses piled up one on top of each other and I thought to back off and go back to the prairie, the snow field but when I turned back, he was there right behind me and gently said, again in French "Non, continue. Tu y est presque." (No, continue, you are almost there.) And yet again with that incredible caring, loving soft and convincing tone of voice and such a loving caring look in his eyes, it gave me courage to go forward. I climbed the snow to reach the door and opened it. Inside was the backyard of a huge house and I noticed that in our yard were growing huge healthy tall deep vivid orange lilies. My favorite flowers ! And the blond man - still with this long hair and his beard - smiling at me half proud half that unchanging loving caring smile and expression on his face, and the hunter man behind me explaining something or saying something - but I was fascinated about how outside it was snow and here inside it was summer.

Something funny - if I go way back in time.

When I was around 8-9 I was introduced, by the mother of my neighbor friend, to a young blond guy a few years older than me - by 3-4 years - whom would be my sidekick in my dreams to help me fight the evil. We most often had the mission to stop Lestat (who was sleeping under the ice of a skate rink in Outremont - which fact I discovered years later when I went to high school Outremont and we got our Winter Activity day held at that skate rink and it just slapped in the faec : that was the rink of which i spent years dreaming !!) - so, our mission was to stop Lestat de Lioncourt (Anne Rice's vampire character) from getting to the two red headed twins and bite them. (Funny how years later, even more than the skate rink discovery), as I was reading the Lestat books - I found out that in fact, Lestat was sleeping under ice to avoid being detected by fellow vampires (found in the Akasha book - story) and the mythology of the two red headed twingirls (also in the saga by Anne Rice) and how eventually Lestat meets them and how everything gets mixed up and makes sense.

Recap :

1992-4 : I dream of the Blond Kid being introduced to me and we have to stop Lestat in that skate rink. He had long blond hair, going down to the base of his neck, straight, darker blond, and was wearing glasses.

1997-8 : I have my first Winter Activity day at that famous Outremont Skate rink. (I did start high school in August 1996 but I had the accident with the car on October 2nd and I only came back to School in February with a cast) First shock : the rink was the one i spent years dreaming of.

~ 1999-2000 : I was reading further in the Vampire Saga by Anne Rice and found out the Twins story, the Akasha one, how Lestat was sleeping underneath the ice to avoid being detected by other vampires. Freak awareness again - i had dreamed of that when I was a kid.

He came back when I was 14 - but I didn't quite recognized him - he presented himself as being Henri - was wearing a white and blue large stripped shirt and jeans (salopettes) and kissed me on the lips - rather .... lusciously and with passion.

Years later, the Blond Man came back in various other dreams. I'll always remember the most epic ones. He was my master in one and I remember how kissing him was a total game of impressing the other and how even if I thought I had won the argument, he did in fact impressed me way more and wan the game. He had shorter hair in that dream but still wearing the glasses and as I was looking up to him (he was standing, his hands on the polished armrest part of the balcony, on like an interior second floor.) and his face seemed so familiar it was hurting me not to know his name. But it was his eyes - his way of looking at me - that loving glow, that caring smile. He was wearing an old styled interior casual house robe. I was having a fight with his ... he was clearly the Master of the place and mine too. The tall dark haired younger man was his protégé and apprentice but he was not handling me ! I refused to kiss him and obey him, we were fighting over that down on the ground level - I was saying to the apprentice that he had nothing new he could teach me and I was done with him. I knew the art of love and kissing and pleasing a man so he could start looking for a new girl to train and spend his time with. My Master having heard our loud discussion, asked me up to his quarters, and that's when i saw his face, bent over, hands on the balcony, that smirk on his lips and yet the unquestionable love and care in his eyes ! even behind the glasses.

So I walked up the stairs, sat down on the couch that was just before the balcony's protective bars - a long deep purple rich dark (almost black) lacquered sofa with a few decorative pillows - and as he sat down with me ( I remember he was wearing a black robe with red enhancements on the borders) I bent over to kiss him and he did gave in the first moments. I was completely leading him, pulling him to give me more, stopping him when I felt like slowing down the kisses and when I thought I would finalize it all and prove myself, he kissed me in such a way that I was conquered. He pulled me right back into as I was ready to pull back - and I stood there, now being kissed and lead by him. (and he kisses divinely !! )

Then the dreams with him became sparse with time but he always was there and he was the first one to truly take me in a dream. Even if I had sex dreams in my teenage years, I usually was the man having sex with girls, or having sex with girls as a girl, but no man penetrated me. The only time that it nearly happened, I just walked away from the man (the dream was in the early 2000's) and I changed the dream.

The first real time was with him. It's noted somewhere in my livejournal - it was the spy dream. I knew he was inside of me and yet that was not the important factor. The important part was that we were having fun, our fingers crossed and sharing good memories of jokes, he was making me laugh.

And then, he reappeared clearly in a dream when I was about to consummate my honeymoon with another man (whom in the dream I didn't love and was not willingly in there with him). April the 7th 2007 I was in Venice - he was there and even though we had a somewhat of a misunderstanding at some time in the dream - everything came back to old habits. (And now that I analyse it - the black haired man that I said I have never seen before - I had completely forgotten him ! but he was there with him in that kiss on the balcony dream, he was the apprentice !)

Near the end, seeing that he still had the scalpel in his hand, I took his hand, shaping his fist around the scalpel’s handle, bending his fingers tightly around it, and holding half his wrist, half his fist with the scalpel’s sharp edge pointing at my chest, I just hold it like that, the edge of the scalpel near my skin – with the other hand palpating my chest bones and finding two rib bones (oh and believe me, it’s unreal in a dream to actually feel the strength of a bone under your skin and the squishy non resistant part in between the 2 said bones !!) so I was there, feeling my ribs and nearly shouted at him :

“[ Well then ] Kill me !! Just here ! Between the two rib bones ! Wait, you are not holding this properly … ( and I actually turned the scalpel horizontally so that the blade would have an easier penetrating capacity ! – like who the hell does calculate such a thing in real life when stabbing ? a regular killer just stabs with the knife vertically pointed – cutting the ribs and who the hell actually cares about hitting the heart without hitting the resistance of bones ?? ) … like that you can access the heart easily ! (And in my head, I was imagining the blade going through the skin, the muscle, between the two ribs and hitting just the first third of the heart – penetrating in the right atrium.

He hesitated and forcefully retrieved his hand. Next thing I was conscious about was the fact that I had my arms around his neck and I was kissing him. I had my head turned on his right cheek side – I could appreciate the cool moist of his mouth (no he was not warm like humans are usually mid-warm, nor did he tasted salty like Sam used to always taste salty when I kissed him, like kissing the ocean) and he felt so refreshing, like cool water made into a human mouth or a kiss. I remember perfectly the moment my lips touched his – the black haired guy still not even a feet away from the blond one ! – and how he responded to me, at first unsure and then just appreciating it for what it was. We exchanged a few kisses on this right side before I switched my head to his left side, still passionately kissing him yet our tongues were not mixed up yet because I started to roll my tongue around his (and I even remember it was from his left side to his ride – counter-clockwise !! omg the detail !! from 3 up to 12 and down to 9 and down to 6 and back up to 3 for a complete turn – and not only once !) and feeling it exciting me, feeling it so normal and natural and cool ! (In real life, anything in my mouth that is not food and I throw up or have severe nausea and need to breath ! that made kissing guys highly romantic !) With him, I only was conscious of good he felt, the starting pleasure he was giving me – or the fact that I was kissing him – and it felt just plain awesome ! Near the end, I even remember I was twirling my right hand’s fingers around his very short hair in the back of his neck and I was fascinated by his really freaking close shave ! ( Like was he using Mac Fusion 5 or what ? because his skin was so smooth and clean of any trace of hair !)

I remember dreams, where he was wearing a pale turquoise or pale sky blue very light silk 18th century French costume and was inviting me to dance with him - there was a ball at a huge house, near a forest, there was a little temple of love near too (like Marie-Antoinette's Trianon). To this day I can remember how his clothes looked, the white fine embroideries, the soft pale blue like the palest sky blues - paler than his eyes, the ppl at the ball made comments how our clothes matched since I was wearing his colors ! I Had the same soft pale blue silk fabric for my dress and the same type of white very worked embroideries at the sleeves of my dress, and on the chest area and on the skirt part, to match his costume perfectly. He was giving me his hand to lead me to the dance floor and we danced together, we were very close and intimate - almost as cousins, because I had this impression that his mother or aunt was in my family. I remember how dashing he looked and how I admired him and how happy I was to able to dance in his arms.

In that dream there was something about us being alone in that little temple of love at some moment and the family looking for us to make sure we were not putting ourselves int trouble. We were of a good family and we couldn't afford to create trouble or rumors. ( Does this dream explain why when I first hears the song Temple of Love by the Sisters of mercy I instantly identified myself to the lyrics ? to the sadness of knowing that love would leave me in the morning... )

In another dream, he was again a sort of a spy, we were in a lift going down and I remember looking him straight in the eyes and knowing him - so painful to know his face, his smile, his eyes and yet not knowing his name !

The 50D is at my reach !

2009-09-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

I simply cannot believe it ! The Canon 50D is finally at my reach ! And that sole factor makes me thrilled happy and incredibly positive about life.

The whole process started last Friday morning (the 25th September 2009) when Isabelle B. from Plexo called me about my application for a job as medical archivist at the clinic. That break through was, and is, most welcomed. She first asked me some questions about myself, the course, if I had the diploma (yes I do), what I know about the company (what I read on their website), if I would be available for an interview - hellyeah I was ! Date was set for Tuesday the 29th September 2009 at 10 am.

And suddenly, the possibility of a work, with a stable revenue meant I could finally get my hands on a professional Canon camera - which was my dream ever since I discovered Canon back in early 2000's. A random memory I just had while writing this, it's like when I was at a friend's house going through an electronic shop catalog and when I hit the Sandisk logo and name, I just fell in love with it and now I know why ! 9 years later, with the purchase of a Sandisk Sansa Fuse MP3 player, I know why I love the Sandisk brand. Same thing with Canon. There is something about it. And earlier this year, I discovered that the word Canon is the American-ized version of the Japanese goddess Kwanon - and I am a fan and enthusiast of Japanese religion and mythology. 1+1=2 ;)

So back to our sheeps. Stable revenue meant I could get my Canon camera ! So I went on BestBuy's website and I must have searched for it, but I got results ! Canon 50D !

So here are currently my options :

1 - a) the Canon EF-S 55-250mm f/4-5.6 IS Lens for $359.99

paired up with option

1 - b) The Canon EOS 50D 15.1MP Digital SLR Camera - Body Only

or option

2) The Canon 50D with a lesser good, basic lens for about the same price as the 2 together combined - with a difference of 120$

And so - all week end - I dreamed, I visioned, I imagined myself holding that camera, rotating that lens to make the picture clear, zooming in, zooming out - capturing the beauty of nature, macro shots - the way I always dreamed I would and could.

That dream, those visions haunted me all day Morning, even changed out the "bed time story" (based off a dream I had last week or during the week end to fit in the camera) and dreamed about it all today too (Tuesday). I just soo freakin' want that camera it's unreal !

The counter part of that is, if I don't get the job - *I cross my fingers and knock on wood so that it won't happen - that I WILL get the job* - is that I will lose my hope and faith in life, I'll probably get back into my uncaring depressive mood and just simply continue to not give a fuck about anything outside my art and my already taken photos. [ And secretly still keep dreaming and wishing for that cam to become mine. ]

Today - Monday the 29th September 2009 - I did attend the job interview, it went pretty fine, I felt comfortable, and there was a nice chemistry between the two interviewers and myself and I really hope and pray from the bottom of my heart that I will get that job - I need that job ! The team itself looks like a nice bunch of folks to work around (a Russian, a Romanian, a Moroccan to quote these, plus the students who work part time) and the company/clinic itself looks the perfect place for me !

She has to call me back either later this week or at the latest, early next week. Mostly the time that my personal information as to criminal records gets verified by a certain agency by the name of Garda. It's the new procedure for all new employees, either at hire spot or at agencies.

If I get the job, I'm buying that lens first thing ! Than wait to get the necessary funds to buy the body itself :D

*continues praying*

2009-09-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

buy unique gifts at Zazzle

The pornographic cancer is invading and no one cares

2009-09-17T11:09:00.001-07:00

It started some time around last year I believe when a photographic shot of a very wett female's ass got a daily deviation -which on the site is the most prestiged and valued event that could happen to anyone - and even more so considering that a daily deviation, short called DD, gives more attention and watchers to the one being featured, because for one whole day, that person's selected piece is seen by about the 17 millions of users registered on the site.

Now what bothers me is that over the time, and over the many variations of the site's system - the many changes allowed by the site's configuration - allowed for more and more shots of female asses, vagina and such to be considered as art.

Even though the site has a policy quoted two times in the Terms of Agreement and the Etiquette policy, both clearly depicting the fact that uploading porn is considered as an offence punishable by removal of the said piece.

Sadly - pieces such as a female's ass hole is not considered as porn. Nor is a vagina, spread legs showing a wet vagina, or a wet ass just out of the pool or the bath. Women posing in poses as to reveal and put the accent on their genitalia are encouraged by massive hits of over several thousands of views per day or even inside a few hours !

Moreover, since subscription is free, anyone can create an account and go support those deviations, by commenting in favor and favouriting those pieces. Basically, instead of paying a porn site a 5$ a month or what ever the fees are, they just come to deviant art for the same reasons, BUT because it's deviant art - a gathering community for "artists" - they get the free porn ! And ppl are fool enough to either ignore the problem and let it propragate even further, or leave a comment but then the defenders of such pieces come back on the double with arguments saying that the first denouncer is not knowing anything to art, the female body is beautiful (this excuses the macro shot of a shaved vagina) and that anyone going against such pictures is just a close minded person who doesn't know what art is !

I tried to prove my point several times, and each time I was either pointed as being a pervert because I showed a link to the same exact content (a female vagina) found on a pornographi site, or that I have too much time to waste (incredible fact, knowing that I found those inside of Less than 10 seconds on google !) and on and on and on ! So people who actually try to defend the site and keep it clean from useless and repetetive junk get to be treated as the worst people on the site !

I personally find this issue incredibly frustrating and beyond words inadmissible from a so called community for artists ! Would a healthy individual let a cancer eat that person away ? Logically speaking, the answer is no. So why does this place let the sort of crap that it currently allows - Even against it's own policies - be considered normal ?

Lastly - I wonder if deviantart.com even knows the significance of the word "pornography" because all the dictionaries online do give about the same signification and those significations clearly depict the content of some of the devations submitted on the site under "artistic nude" or "fetish portraits" (because, ladies and gentlemen, the ass hole - aka - the end of the digestive tract by where the fecal matter travels) is considered "artistic" or beautiful or admissible as NON pornographic. I have personally reported such a deviation to the help desk and it came back and I quote the answer

" Your Prohibited Content Violation Report on Bang a Gong was reviewed by a member of the staff and action was taken, marking the report as Invalid.

Additionally, the following comment was provided:

A reviewing member of staff has reviewed this report and has determined that no action is necessary as this deviation does not meet the current definition for pornography.

Please click here for more information.

This message was generated automatically.

-- deviantART Staff "

here is a print screen of the said deviation - http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c180/Shouza/Deviantart%20Porn/ScreenShot052.jpg

Blog's Face Change

2009-08-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

As of today - actually it happened during my 2 weeks without internet - I decided that this blog will be a place where I will share my photography and talk about Canon cameras because I love that company, love what they give to the public and love their products and possibilities they give to their clients.

I will share tips, tricks, personal experiences and stuff like that :D

Current model of camera is Canon PowerShot SXi 10 IS which is totally hot stuff !

What is "Art" in the 21st century

2009-05-19T18:46:00.001-07:00

I am a member of this website called Deviant Art located at deviantart.com since now 4 years. I have had the chance to see various trends be born, be over used and die. I have seen sheep like brainless motions created for the sole purpose of attention whoring and pageviews collecting. I have seen fetish and artistic nude photography ever since I am member, but nowadays I truly wonder what art is.

Deviant art, is a private website with the purpose of offering a place - like a community would - to artists who seek to share their works with fellow people like them and get encouragements or critics or any form of acknowledgment, which is fine and normal in a society ever growing bigger where each individual strife to be original, unique and stand out of the crowd.

I have nothing against nudes, I can appreciate a beautiful naked woman's photography and appreciate the quality of the picture, the pose and the mood that was captured. But I wonder what is the new trend with the overly used naked boobs, ass shots, pussy shots and tied up women ? Why is the female body going under this over exposition of it's qualifying characteristics and not the male body ? If we live in a so called "Equalized Society" why don't we see that much up close and personal penises or men ass shots ? In a society which is obsessed with fitness and thinness why does an over sized breast rule over a flat male chest ? Breast are composed of overly fat tissues.

Why is exposing one's genitalia even considered artistic ? We all have one - either vagina or penis - so what does make a photography of a close up clitoris and labia something that competes with a sculpture, a painting (may it be digital or traditional) or a fan work in which real talent, technique and time have been invested in ?

What is the next step if we follow this trend ? A woman shitting pee (which is biological mix of mostly water, vitamins, salt and sugar) taken with a 15 mega pixel camera in "live action" with crisp clear detail of the crystalline fluid coming out of her vagina and being like a solid link with the content of a toilet ? Will that be considered art too ?

I heard art is meant to be provocative and wake up consciousnesses ... maybe I should be a pioneer and do that first shot myself and start a trend !

The ass equally takes all it's value when round, wet, shiny and has a clear shot of anus (which, I respectfully remind you, is the exit of the larger intestines - through which the food you eat, after all nutriments have been absorbed - exits the body in the form fecal matter). So basically - you pretty much value like gold the exit door of the human's natural "end of the chain work" spot. Next thing I'll hear will be that pee is high class champagne !