a long river of "acceptance and compromises" without the thrill of passionate love or are my self defence mechanisms way to fucking strong for my own good ... ?
and here I go again in the white thick mist of my doubts, back in my own white darkness again - the night is dark, the snow is white and comfortingly white and fluffy, the sky is clear with stars, but the stars are so distant and unreachable ...
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
And I am doubting again
and I epic fail at ... considering ...
I mean it felt so fucking weird to have a real man sitting at my table meeting my parents ! it's not me ! it's not who I am.
I always saw myself as those 40-50 year old single men, lonesome wolf type of, "le célibataire endurci" from the 80's movies - the tough guys, either divorced or never married. That was MY life path all traced for me ! Apartment, job, life, best friend.
Apartment. My Current Job. My Little Brother.
and my photography hobby. No need for a partner, a relationship or that kinda thing.
I think I tried - but I just proved to myself that I am NOT made for that type of life.
I don't see myself ... getting married and having kids. At least not with the current one.
I want Henri. So desperately want him.
I mean it felt so fucking weird to have a real man sitting at my table meeting my parents ! it's not me ! it's not who I am.
I always saw myself as those 40-50 year old single men, lonesome wolf type of, "le célibataire endurci" from the 80's movies - the tough guys, either divorced or never married. That was MY life path all traced for me ! Apartment, job, life, best friend.
Apartment. My Current Job. My Little Brother.
and my photography hobby. No need for a partner, a relationship or that kinda thing.
I think I tried - but I just proved to myself that I am NOT made for that type of life.
I don't see myself ... getting married and having kids. At least not with the current one.
I want Henri. So desperately want him.
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