Love and finding your home

TOM TALKS- “When I fall in love with someone, then that doesn’t “just” happen… When I love someone’s character, over time I’ll see that personality, I love so much, shining through their eyes and fusing with their appearance, turning them in the most beautiful girl in the world. It’s not about appearance, it’s about someone’s beautiful, amazing, wonderful, fantastic personality, you’ll see every time you look at her. It’s about the fact that when you look in her eyes, you just feel home… You forget all your problems, all your fears, you just feel safe, you feel like you’ve finally found a place where you belong… A place you can spend an eternity, where you will spend an eternity, cause those enchanting, beautiful eyes will slow down time and make every second; looking in her beautiful eyes, right into her amazing personality, last more than a lifetime. It’s about the fact that the whole world, the whole universe just looks so much more beautiful! All of a sudden everything looks different and your heart will just start smiling. That’s what love is all about… the moment someone you only “liked” before, changes into the most aesthetical pleasing girl in the world. The moment you realize how blind you’ve been all those days, how you were living in a fake universe, never knowing that the only thing your life is all about, the only thing that keeps you smiling, was all the time right next to you.”— Tom Hiddleston (on finding love)

 

Emi replies.

No Kidding.  

Seriously. That is pretty much my quest and I nearly found it! I just need to find out if Henri has a physical living incarnation at the moment, and who happens to be. Though - I have to admit. I fear sometimes, it's a part of you. You have the sea in your eyes and the cathedral in your heart. And that is my home. 

 

 

Dear Muse, you see, that is the problem. That is why i have tried so hard to avoid you, to run away from you and what you inspire me. I have searched for home all my life, to a place, to a person to belong to, and I fear that you are far too great to be that person.  And I love you and I cannot deny that. I care for you, for your happiness, your well being; I wish to inspire you, to make you smile, to make you happy. I would be the first to play Cupid if I knew another woman would make you happy, and if I could influence the odds. Yes it sounds weird but love is like this ; you want the other's happiness to glow int heir eyes, before your own selfish needs and desires.

I have loved men that appeared in my dreams because they were that - people living in another realm where things are possible with a heart's secret sight. I could conjure up a thousand excuses, they are all valid and they all can be tossed aside by your hand. Funny isn't it? One's stone wall can be washed like a child's sandcastle. I think what frightens me the most is my own feelings for you and how far I am ready to go, to please you. It's not something I am accustomed to experience or even feel. I always stood my guard, not allowing real men to reach me. The ones I loved, never knew I had feelings. But you, you know it. The question is - have you read between the lines of the social mask to see glitter the secret honesty laying there at the pond's bottom. And I hope and I pray you didn't. I hope and pray you have read that rapidly. glancing over the lines of my confession as you would for any other fan of yours who had declared the same things - more or less. 

I see you in my dreams, almost every night. That is almost all that I need. I guess. For now. 

New year bleh

I don't even know how to really start this blog.

I feel like not being myself - like having let down my projects, my goals, my dreams.

I guess it started last April when I got my current job. At first it was great for the income money, security of something, and a healing balm on my feeling of misery and failure ( after a 3 year program, not finding a job in my field, having yet another time invested time and money and coming out without income, success or any such thing which makes one feel accomplished).

So the job helped, at first I had hopes of permanency, later, the though of my position being only temporary through agency comforted me. But with time, it took a toll on me. I started to eat my soul, but gave something in exchange : I loved my team, my work, my responsibilities, I came of help to my department, I felt useful and appreciated, at a certain level.

Sure the amount of travel there and back slowly started to slowly build up, but it really became problematic in late fall, and winter. When one finishes work at 4:30 pm, but gets home at 7, 8pm, it is discouraging.

And because of the nature of the company, of the work itself, there are peak times and low times in the year. Winter being a low empty one, since planes cannot fly as regularly because of mechanical caused by weather and weather itself.

The summer temporarly fulfilled me, made me forget about what was worrying me - but sooner or later the deep rises to the surface and yet again a feeling of having wasted my life has taken me over.

I haven't had any real occasion to do photography, to travel around, to discover - but with stolen moments.

In October I had a day off due to an interview to a potential job in my field, which left me a very cold impression, but gave me a great sight to take photos of at least.

But how many days I was on my bus, longing to take pictures of that path, with glorious cherry blossoms in the spring, but felt too bad to ask a sick day, felt too guilty to come in late - since I had no valid excuse and wanted to make sure to be a hard worker - an honest person, responsible and be there on time to build myself a good reputation.

But I let my private life aside, my hobbies, what made me happy, and thrilled about life.

Photoshop illustrations, sharing photos, keeping my photo blog updated, sharing home made junk food recipes - I was longing to make myself a professional looking flickr account but never passed the strep of getting the pro account.

So is life meant to be ...

a long river of "acceptance and compromises" without the thrill of passionate love or are my self defence mechanisms way to fucking strong for my own good ... ?

and here I go again in the white thick mist of my doubts, back in my own white darkness again - the night is dark, the snow is white and comfortingly white and fluffy, the sky is clear with stars, but the stars are so distant and unreachable ...