I think I decided I won't go to Dawson in photography this fall. Today it's been the second time that question was asked. The first time, I was in my second or third week at work and Debbie called me to Salvador's office (Debbie is my team leader, Salvador I have no flippin' idea - he's the head of Charter flights department i think but I could be wrong - he looks like a leader or a boss) and a third man, tall, blond 50's very British to the core accent who's an ever bigger boss ! He asked me how I see my future. I honestly replied that I subscribed at Dawson and I was awaiting an answer. Salvador explained a bit the procedure to him and I nodded.
Today, Debbie asked me if I had news of the school. I said no - not yet. And I realized something in the moment right after ! I didn't want to happen. I didn't any longer wanted to be accepted and if I was - I would refuse.
I honestly like my spot at Air Inuit ! I like the work, I don,t need to be fake around the ppl - there are small groups of friends but at the moment I'm with no one - in my circle - doing my work and no one takes it personally that I'm a bit silent and quiet and do the job ! As I told you - I always come in advance ( 8:15 though I am paid from 8:30), I don't take the 2 times 10 minutes break that I could normally take - I do an impeccable job ! very rarely mistakes and so minor that I can correct them at the second step of my work flow. I very rapidly grew at ease with my work - do it well - and I'm getting quicker and quicker.
Today, I had to do Joe's job (a part of it) since he's on vacation (he's my sort of guide ? helper - he shows me the stuff to do) and so I entered all the 48 checks we had received : it balanced out with the amount of the photocopies I had made ( meaning I didn't miss a single cent in the entry) for a first timer on the calculating machine with the paper roll - I felt happy and proud
you could have seen my fingers go with ease and comfort ! 
And as I was doing the rest of my work - I realized it.
I do photography for the thrills - because I love the shutter sound - for me it's ... aphrodisiac. It fully satisfies me to hear that sound - to press the button - to capture one second among all infinity of the past present and future. I love cameras and what I love is to collect them like trophies ! like an old sense of pride - yeah baby I can afford to throw 3k in a piece of metal junk ! I see the new Olympus Ep1 or 2 as a new "objet de convoitise" a something I need to own - i strive to own - I want to own !!
this morning, as I was rolling in the bus, I noticed how the lil perpendicular streets that touch Cote Vertu where I was - were so green with trees and grass and cute little houses ! I saw a couple to sale ...
I thought how wonderful it would be to be fully myself : buy the Japanese things i want, spend a fortune in delivery fees, buy the clothes I want, the PCs, the games, eat the stuff I want at the hour I want (if I want a burning hot tea at 9pm for example) go out on week ends - do the groceries and get what I want where I want ! sleep naked in winter, or watch torture movies when I have a down (martyrs and the horsemen for example - i was hooked on them last year in fall ... or before ? I was in a depressive period so uber dark movies with pain felt ... just right ! ) I want to buy dolls (Sabik for starters, and a few 50 more) and a canon EOS 50D Mark 2 with the chroma shit i saw on youtube and all that stuff.
I will have my own garden, flowers, vegetables, a pool even !
I want to have my own freedom - my own life - my own rules - my own responsibilities - my own thinking and deciding of stuff. My own way of spending the money I earned through my work.
And even if this doesn't pay nowhere near what I am supposed to get as a medical archivist - I think I honestly don't give an epic fuck ! Let's do life baby steps - like everyone else.
But I want my House !
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