Monday, February 28, 2011

Rapunzel, let down your hair

Today, I had arranged my hair in a way that it was "up done" but falling down on both sides, touching my shoulders bu leaving the back of my neck open. And for some odd reason, I looked ... oddly cuter than last week, or how I usually do when I have my hair in a tight bun...

My change of looks didn't go unnoticed. A colleague from another department, who was around ours to discuss work with one of my teammates, noticed the change of hair style and commented, in a half kidding, half like a woman knowing when another is changing her appearance to get someone's attention, which I denied of course. Today, I just felt like changing my hair, I felt simply less stressed and less office professional ( the tight bun means office girl in a serious context ).

The colleague came over to my neighbor and my own desk and insisted I'd tell who's attention I was trying to get. I denied it again, because, in fact I just wanted to start a casual Monday. Usually, my clothing and my hair determines how I feel and what are my intentions, if I want to please someone else, be socially fitting in or simply just doing myself a favor.

So, it came down to a sort of logical elimination of possible candidates, calculated on my behavior. Since, I did that new hair style today, it had to be to impress a new-comer to the office. D. Which is absolutely false, since that young man looks too childish, too tall, too built and too ... simply not inspiring one bit ! And most of all, how can I love a man whom I never see, don't work with, have no chance on stumbling on in my normal routine ?

I shared a random honest comment, from the first and only time where I had seen that man, he seemed too fat for me. My desk neighbor didn't understood well, and he asked if another man in the office - who is fairly new but not the newest - is too fat - which nearly killed me of laughter ! The first woman brought back the topic in line and in between two laughs, I tried to look normal at the mention of that one - who might actually be inspiring me.

C-2, who is the second newest, in our department is completely out of the range of possibilities - being fiancé and getting married later this year, end of summer.

C-1 ...

I had a dream with him, I was happy with him, we were sharing a house or an apartment, I remember the view on the back yard with summer light and I was happy. He was holding me in his arms, but when he turned me around to kiss me, I told that I was not ready and I woke up.

And now, since a week or so, it seems that a new filter has been overlaying my eyes - my sight. I am seeing him as a charming handsome young man, on top of the already acquired good understanding we have at the office, a sort of casual friendship with small chats, laughs and little moments stolen here and there.

I still don't know for sure if I am ready.

And, at best, it will be like all others. One way ... interest.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Going back to my roots

Already since the beginning of February I had this lingering rumor running around my family.

My sister wanted my niece to meet my grand mother on my mother's side - aka - my niece's Great-Grand-Mother. As simple as this sounds, it's a very cute - the littlest lady of the family meeting the oldest. 4 generations of women gathered in a photo - I dream of shooting that actually.

Last week, the rumor became a little more tangible. Last week end, just before leaving for the south for vacations, my sister was on the phone with mom about our own familial vacations back in our village. I thought - oh, one week, two at worst - I can live with that.

Today, we had a gathering for a triple birthday and a welcome back from the south where my sister, brother in law and niece spent a week of vacations. We talked about the home village vacations again. And all of a sudden, it became a longer project. A month long project !

My heart about half broke when I learned that.

My first thought went to the fact that I love my job, but I am only on a contract through an agency. What are my guarantees - my safe grounds - my future, my projects ? Do I ... say good bye and move on, concentrate on my photography career ? Do I take this opportunity to try to have great shots and try to publish a book and launch my potential ?

I love my team - I love the people around me, our little habits we developed, the tight links, bonding we created with time, the chemistry among us.

But about the same time, I really feel like dying inside since I am deprived of time to photography and arts. I am an artist - I need that like people need ... what ever they most strongly strive for.

I am ... with conflicted emotions but not that afraid it seems. I see this as an opportunity to take my flight and see what happens.

On the practical side I only worry about money, stable source of income. I have of course savings but one can never know for sure and predict the future.

I still need to analyze my emotions and see what I really want.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Numerology - Life path of a 9

"What does a Life Path number of 9 mean?"
Emilia, you are the philanthropist, humanitarian, socially conscious, and are deeply concerned about the state of the world.

You have great compassion and idealism.

You are a utopian, and will spend your life trying to realize some aspect of your utopian dream, sacrificing money, time, and energy for a better world. It is in giving that you will find much satisfaction.

You have a broad outlook on life. You tend to see the big picture, rather than the minute details. You naturally attract people from all walks of life who can fit into your larger plans and take over the areas you find uninteresting. The person with a 9 Life Path is rarely prejudiced or accepts social biases of people. Instead, they evaluate people on the basis of what they can do for the larger cause. They are the true egalitarian.
Emilia, you are imaginative and creative, especially at harmoniously arranging the beauty already potential in the environment. These abilities can lead you into such fields as interior decorating, landscape art, and photography. But because of your strong social consciousness, you can be an effective politician, lawyer, judge, minister, teacher, healer, and environmentalist. Vocations that require self- sacrifice and have a clear social impact are common among 9s.

You are often disappointed by the realities of life: the shortcomings of others, or of yourself. Somehow, you don't want to accept the imperfections of the world, a feeling that drives you constantly to try to improve upon it. But rather than be satisfied with your efforts, and those of others, you relentlessly push on, striving for greater accomplishments.

You are often unsatisfied with the results. In short, you lack the perspective that would otherwise make it possible for you to enjoy life more fully, and accept its natural limitations. You have a controlled enthusiasm and the ability to finish what you start.

A key to your personality is the necessity of sacrifice. You have to learn to let go of material possessions and relationships, the inherent lesson being that holding on too tightly to anything causes pain.

Money comes to you through mysterious or unexpected ways: inheritance; the benevolence of someone who was inspired by your work; or a lucky investment. onversely, if you pursue money for its own sake, after giving up on your larger dreams, you're likely to find yourself empty handed.

The most successful and satisfying road for a nine is giving; sharing and sacrificing for a larger goal, without expecting anything in return. Emilia, your greatest chance at success is to tie your personal fortunes to an endeavor that makes the world a better place for others. Very often, this turns into a highly successful and lucrative enterprise, providing amply for you and your family. Your life rests on the axiom that the more you give, the bigger your reward.

You are romantic, but your love is more impersonal. You tend to be focused on your dreams.
When you are not in harmony with your true nature, you can fall to moodiness, or become aloof, and withdrawn. You can become timid, uncertain, and ungrateful, putting the blame for your troubles on others or the world.

You have a gift for examining your life objectively, and at some distance. Be honest with yourself. By openly facing your shortcomings, as well as your strengths, you develop equilibrium. You are thus able to love and better understand yourself and all of life.

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