Friday, August 31, 2012


Why is it considered fake or any less of a value if the feelings that burn you deep inside - making you actually want to be different from the being that you are - are directed towards an entity that cannot reflect and redirect those feelings back at you?

Why is love in a social definition something that has be to be shared by both parties, in knowledge and trusted shared common accord?

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary online :

Love as a noun is : 

strong affection for another arising out of kinshipan assurance of affection
warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion

Love as a verb is :
transitive verb
to hold dear : cherish 
to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for

So if one feels ( transitive verb  to handle or touch in order to examine, test, or explore some quality / to perceive by a physical sensation coming from discrete end organs (as of the skin or muscles) love for another someone - no matter how close or far the receiving subject is, what is the value of the thoughts or feedback of people judging and criticizing this phenomenon that ones lives and feels and has in a most sincere and honest manner in the depths of themselves ? Why is the fact that the recipient of these feelings is somewhat physically or socially distant, why is this fact holding such a great value upon judging something as elusive as feelings ? 

I was chatting with a friend online, on MSN, tonight, and this came into topic. How the feeling of love cannot be true or real or acknowledged for someone who is not concretely reachable. And I ask - Why? Why cannot it be real - since the other one, the one judging - is not feeling the intensity and the depth of these feelings the same way the other party who holds and physically feels these abstract concepts in their very flesh and muscle (heart) ? 

I once saw in a documentary that the simple color red, for instance, is not an exact science, since as much as there are humans, there are that many possible ways of seeing the color red, even if you give the same exact shade to everyone. The way each every single individual's eyes and brains grasp and interpret the information is left to each individual - so in fact, Test Subject A does not see the color red as Test Subject B does! And this is something down to earth concrete and simple as vision - sight - something medically and scientifically proven. So, if this is such a complicated and not so matter of fact poured in concrete science, how can we even begin to mingle the topic if feelings and judge them ? 

Of course logic and common sense come into play - one might say, it is foolish and worthless, or a waste of time and energy - but if one would sit down and list all the activities humanity does which are strictly in the equation of survival completely useless and energy consuming, one couldn't argue much against wasting feelings. I will pick the Olympics for this. Do you need the Olympic games to live? No. You do not need need to break a record to be able to breath, eat, sleep and shit, and function as an individual in a society. You do not need, as a spectator, to see the achievements of this little minority in order to breath, eat, sleep and shit, and function as an individual in that same society. This is called a distraction, an entertainment.

So then - if one chooses to do an activity that is completely pointless for their surviving necessities, how can this one judge upon something as uncontrollable as feelings ? Even more so - the feeling of love - which strikes when the right combination of factors are met, and which factors can be fully acknowledged by the one "undergoing" or completely ignored. 

Luke buys tickets to watch a sports events.

Matthew falls in love with a woman on the other side of the planet.

Luke watches the game and feels happy and feeling a strong emotion towards the team, towards the game and cheers for them. 

Matthew somewhat interacts with that woman he knows he will never meet, and yet, is transported by her and has real feelings in his heart for her.

Luke will never shake hands with the players, or tell them they performed in a most outstanding way on the field and filled his heart with pride and joy.

Matthew will never hold that woman's hand, and tell she inspires him very real, deep, strong emotions which he has not felt for other women before.

How can one judge Matthew as being foolish and wasting his time ? He is transported and inspired the same way Luke is. In a different context and reacts towards a different medium - but both experience a strong feeling that cannot be catalogued or stripped into a proven mathematical or scientific formula, yet, they are very real in the core of their existence and effects upon both men.

Why Not Tonight

Actors -

Sabik - leather jacket, dark red t shirt, dark (black) jeans, leather belt, chains, studs, biker boots
Ellie - blue man's shirt, pale pink tank top, military print shorts, biker pink boots with studs

Location - bar, somewhere in the Nevada desert

Setting - post apocalyptic future - dusty/destroyed/post war ravaged

Intro - we see the smokey bar - the tv plays a country video without sound - someone puts a coin in the old Jukebox -- Reba McEntire - Why  Not Tonight

Camera moves to the bar where the barman pours a pint of beer, the two middle clients - Sab and Ellie -

Saturday, August 11, 2012

All The Reasons I Love Tom Hiddleston

Because my last blogger entry went into the void of Cyberspace -I'll be a total bitch and unleash the uncensored version of this.

1 - He inspires me to try to act more womanly and thus accept my current female condition.
2 - Thanks to him, I understand why fruit flavoured condoms - or textured for that matter - were invented
3 - He is way to busy with his life to acknowledge my existence, thus I can happily fantasize over him without any guilt trip
4 - He looks like a doll - and I have a thing for dolls
5 - His fans can put him and his "career launching" role into the most delightfully entertaining fan art contexts - including homosexual, submission, bondage, neko (cat-man) and a couple others which totally electrify one's imagination
6 - I wouldn't giggle like a high school girl if he walked naked in front of me - I think that I would take his masculinity into a serious and natural context
7 - Oddly enough, I don't feel shy or bad or unease at the doggy style perspective - which I normally despise
8 - He passed the "sleeping test" with an A+
9 - Never met a man i want to kiss as bad as i am dying to try him
10 - What he inspired me and still does is just insanely strong! Like I said it in previous blogs, this guy is a fucking 40 meter high Rogue Wave
11 - Once I accepted all of the above, I'm serene and I actually don't regret nothing nor feel bad. Refer back to number 3 for this.
12 - He is the first man that actually inspired me an interest in his dick. Which is quite impressive.
13 - I am re-discovering things i have buried so deep inside of me, I had forgotten it was things I liked and was curious about
14 - When I think of sex fantasies with him, I'm not randomly pulled out by thoughts of women being abused or sold and sex being a negative thing - which is among the reasons why I quit on it; my choice to say to, in the name of all the women who can't.
15 - Depending on my hormonal rages - i can be either a female or a male with him and both feel very natural and normal. Other men are so straight and stuck in that figure - they are impossible to be imagined with another male figure, which cuts half the fun away.
16 - (reason posted on facebook - something along the lines of Tom waking me up like the Prince would wake up Briar Rose in Anne Rice's version of the Sleeping Beauty tale - which i have not read and won't before some time yet) 
17 - I love this man and yet I avoid him. Haven't seen the movie Thor - where I discovered him - more than 5 times - which is an epic low, considering I can watch a fave movie non stop during minimum 3 months or more, all day long - all week long! Haven't seen Avengers yet - not sure I want to ... Haven't seen Hollow Crown and have no intention of seeing it before some time too. Have seen the Deep Blue Sea once and deleted the movie file. Haven't seen any other movie or series in which he appears. Normally I would hunt them down and run them until i puke. Only downloaded him reading poetry and that novel - The Red Necklace and some exhibition thing he did for the museum about the Egyptians. Been avoiding Twitter, Tumblr.

18 - He is the first man who inspired me the uncontrollable urge to run away to a far remote deserted location with no human communication devices available or working so I would get him out of my brain and heart. 

Thursday, August 09, 2012

A concise reference of my Fictions

Year 2006

A chat With
Fiction about me meeting Andrew Eldritch - singer of The Sisters of Mercy

That night ... (first edition of "a chat with) 
Same as above - alternate version - 

 Andras De Lunsnoir
Introduction of my werewolf character. Fantasy, dark fairy tale, mystery, love, life. 

His Arrival
Original Character Andras. This is either a continuation or a prequel to Andras De Lunsnoir. 

Deamon in the morning - I ; Cofee won't save you
Original character,dreams, slightly erotic, fantasy,

Deamon in the morning - II ; Kisses in the kornfield 
Continuation to the link above

Night Spy - The day after the rescue 
Original Characters and story about a team of spies doing nightly missions / allusions to bisexuality

Night Spy - Debriefing
Second chapter to above link -

Night Spy - Getting Over the Damn Clothing
Third chapter to above links -

Further memo - Miss Taylor is actually a hermaphrodite - she is gifted with both female and male attributes - but that was not yet written. (I didn't have the courage back then to write that kind of intimate scene - even if i did fantasy about it a lot)

The Day I Became a Man
A female narrator tells her adventures as in a random turn of events, she woke up in a male body.

The Day I Became a Man - 2 
Following chapter of above link

I am currently rewriting this one, updating it. Should be posted on wattpad some time soon.

Year 2007 

I need to loose some time
A random fiction based on a world I created - White Darkness - The Master is this over all dark and kind lord who has taken me into his care.

Is basically the beginning of Sabik Mavourneen, a personal character and crush of mine. It is based on the Sabik Mecha Angel doll by DollSoom but in my mind he became his own individual. In this story, he plays the prostitute - gay magazines model. I am obviously the photographer. It is leading to eroticism, but it is not depicted.

Year 2008  

Gankutsuou YAOI fanfiction - I - Dance with me
Fan fiction of the animated series The Count of Monte Cristo as seen and revised by the Japanese team who made this masterpiece. Edmond Dantes, the Count of Monte Cristo, meets Albert, the son of his past love, Mercedes and falls in love with the boy. Gay romance.

I apologize for my crappy English of the past. I will re-write this, correct and update it ;)
Gankutsuou YAOI fanfiction - II - Kiss me
Gankutsuou YAOI fanfiction - III - Secrets in the dark 
Gankutsuou YAOI fanfiction - IV - Travel to Orient 
Gankutsuou YAOI fanfiction - V - White as Lilies, sweet as honey Gankutsuou YAOI fanfiction - VI - Hidden secrets revealed 

A New Queen Is
This was based on a dream - which is the beginning of the first chapter. In this bit the reader is introduced to the main characters and their basic stats
A New Queen Is 
Official first chapter of the story - we meet the queen
Harin's Travel
Second Chapter - we meet Harin and the 2 spies
Entering a New Kingdom
Harin and the 2 are travelling - secrets are shared
Finally Home
They are finally in the kingdom where most of the action takes place
Castle White
Harin meets Queen Aylie
So this is how...
First night Harin sleeps with Aramis - nothing happens though, but a kiss - they are not intimate yet
Private Meeting
The 2 spies describe their great concern to the queen and the dangerous threat it could cause
Something unthinkably blasphemous 
The threat exposed fully - concerns are arisen
Harin's New Family 
Ceremonials and official status being updated

Urgent Departure
Pretty much inspired by the illustrations shown at the bottom of the post - random fiction with Samael - my Captain character - mostly figh. This was the beginning of a fiction where the troups and I would create a love drug to get some easy pocket money outside of the mercenary contracts. Of course, Captain does not approve of us falling that low.Wolks are tall blue men (before Avatar and Frost Giants became popular for their skin colors, I had Wolks! ha !)

Random Fiction : Captain sends us to vacation The narrator is a detective in New York working on a fucked serial killer case.
Captain sends us to vacation - 2
Captain sends us to vacation - 3

I need to finish this one.  I know the plot and the outcome. I just need to finish writing it down.

Sabik Mavourneen - complete bio 
This was mostly for myself, with the earliest full details of my vision of him, his psychology, attitude


La mer
The first official story exclusively written for Sabik. It is in French though. We are both aboard the Poseidon, luxury boat; he is an electro musician and I am a camera woman - on a secret mission to film mermaids not knowing he is one himself.

A fiction starring Andras my werewolf as he retells his heart  breaking story with a Japanese student he had loved and who died in a bus accident. in French

Esclave du Plaisir
First finished short erotic novel. Homosexual oriented, with crude words and expressions. (Written when I was 17-19)

Fiction dedicated to my character Henri Morvan, a tortured soul who after the tragic death of his father at sea rebells against it, becomes a priest, but falls into the temptation of a young Vietnamese girl, feels guilty,comes back home to become an old sea wolf as he calls himself before he would meet the woman of his life with whom he finally finds stability and balance. French.

Related chapters
La scène de la bibliothèque
Ellie has convinced Henri to pose for her, in the library of the house

Chose Promise, Chose Due
In exchange of the photoshoot, Henri has asked the right to "use her as he wishes" which mislead to Ellie thinking he wanted to have sex with her, but he had just set up a cuddling night watching Gone With the Wind in Breton language. Henri uses his high school actor talents to fool Ellie and play a prank on her.

Le Facteur
Continuation of above.This is actually how I exteriorized my anger to a Real Life event. An old flame of the main female character shows up at her doorstep just as she is officially settled in her relationship with Henri and it causes a great turmoil in her heart and mind.

Deputy Russel Clark
I had a mild crush on actor Joe Anderson in his role of Deputy Russel Clark from The Crazies, but I could never fully live out my attraction to him, because of his unspoken immaturity or lack of adult manhood ... this was sort of an alternate version of the movie/story

A Trip To Hell And Back
Real account of my hell trip vacation back to my hometown village in the summer of 2011

Le baiser du regard
French short story about a random kiss in the metro between the narrator and a goth boy - how ppl avoid contact, not looking each other in the eye, and he goes as far as that intimate act of getting closer to someone.

A Night With the Most Wanted Man
Fan fiction starring Tom Hiddleston and a female narrator. Erotic, poetic. First Act.

Guess Who
Second Act of the story linked above. Erotic and poetic

About the Harmony of Pain
Fan fiction starring Loki - the god of mischief and a female narrator. Erotic, gore, dark.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Potential Idea for Morvan's ending

I had this scene in my head a couple months back - I shared it with Cyndie.

My character is sitting on the bathtub's edge, she is bleeding. She just came out of the shower, but the water still runs. Her third son - Norman - storms in, not knowing his mother was there; he is shocked seeing her like that and is worried by the blood. Norman throws a towel on her shoulders and wraps her. She lets him do.He sits on the floor to face her, looking up at her.

At first he thinks she is having a miscarriage - even if the family hadn't planned new kids. (Sybille, 19, Philippe 17, Norman 15)

She whispers that it's not a miscarriage. Her tubes were ligated after Norman's birth.

Norman is shocked - he doesn't want to admit the other alternative. Henri is not aware of it yet. Although Ellie had been randomly bleeding on and off, it's neither her menopause nor last remaining cycles and she had managed to hide it from her husband. They have a pact between them, that Henri is forbidden to die out in the sea - which is his field - and she feels odd that she is the one ready to die, here in her field, home by her own femininity. Norman swears to keep the secret until she has confirmation by her doctor.

Last few chapters : she is in the hospital, dies.

The grieving, the mourning. Her ghost remains on earth to watch over her family for 3 months - until things settle down.

Philippe's daughter - by his Japanese wife - can see Ellie's soul / ghost. She informs the family, but does not disturb the process of life and doesn't play messenger between Ellie and her family. They need to open their hearts to her in order to hear her last recommendations.

Ellie's last actions as a ghost.

Assist Sybille and her fiancé Jacques on their own walk on the Camino de Santiago, since she always wanted to do it herself.

Give confidence to Philippe to be a theatre actor.

Save Henri from a rogue wave that would have killed him.

"Remember your promise to me. You cannot die in the sea. She won't have my man."

All the family members will see her one last time during the day they most need her.

Monday, August 06, 2012

Again a few random thoughts - or - All the Reasons Why

I wanted to write this blog last week but, I needed more time to gather thoughts and acknowledge some little details.

I think I needed a little... jump start, so as to excuse myself fro randomly listing facts. It came today on Facebook.

"Hiddles Goddesses
ok girls i have something to say... i've seen that many fans of Tom just like him for his Loki role... i respect that but i think that this way to think on an artist is basic and poor and also kinda disrespectful... an artist is more that just one role and deserve to be note and seen for all the effort that he done as an artist! Tom really has talent in many things like dance for example! so let's consideer to see beyond that beautiful face and the good role Loki because he has more to offer than that! -fio-"
With my personal answer being :
Emilia Tokes I recently found myself wondering if in fact loved him as an actor or a man with an incredible voice! For me, Loki - looking like an adult result of a childhood first love - is just the entry door to discover that in fact, a real living man can inspire me things that no other could before and which I tought were missing in me, like a missing dll in a running OS of a computer. lol I admire him for that too, on a very personal level. And of course - I admire him for all that he did - when i gather small info like his Double Major at Cambridge, or the fact that he did tv shows and other things instead of partying as a uni student. I find those small bits endearing.
37 minutes ago ·
And I shall continue here. 
I wanted to title this - All The Reasons I have to Love Tom, but, tonight this feels ... out of context. And maybe I should just keep them for myself. After all - they are my reasons and to quote Loki through my fiction - Tom did not only breach my defensive wall - he fucking nuked it to Hiroshima level dust! And that is good enough to appreciate him.

A few stats for myself

Collected stats from my written fictions with Tom and Loki on all platforms where they were published

There are 2 main stories in various chapters

The fiction titled "A Night With The Most Wanted Man" was actually what should have been the second story, since the first one "About the Harmon of Pain" is quoted in the previous title. (It's a fiction inside a fiction.)

The reason why this shuffling happened is because the original draft of About the Harmony of Pain didn't please me enough - it was simply too much of an amateur's work, with too many things copied, rather than inspired from the source.

Original location was set up in New Mexico, just like in the movie Thor, but I thought it wouldn't fit Loki's character, being a Frost Giant and I really wanted to work on the "monster" aspect, the all together physical, geographical and spiritual isolation of both characters. At night, before I would fall asleep, I kept having this random imagery of me walking in a thick snow at night - which is basically my White Darkness fantasy world which I run in my head since so long I don't know when I started it - and then, out of the blue, from behind a tree, Loki comes out of the shadow and each night the scenario would change. It took me a few days but I figured out that, Brønnøysund in Norway would be a much more fit location to the story, though it's not clearly mentioned in the text, I used google map to describe the region.

Also, the fact that the narrator lived in the same mobile home setting as Jane, from Thor, disturbed me in the sense that - oh look - one more same element taken from the movie. Added to Loki's fall to about the same drop point as Thor, I just couldn't take it. To me it would have been cheap and low thievery. Nothing original there, even if the fiction's purpose was set on Loki's hurt feelings and self questioning, it's not enough of a reason to go that low.

So now - the compiled data - as of August 6th 2012

A Night With the Most Wanted Man - I

Introduction part / PG- G
Comments: 90
Favourites: 54
Views: 739 (4 today)
Downloads: 3 (0 today)
Wattpad : Not available in this format
Blogger : Not available in this format 

A Night With the Most Wanted Man (full text) PDF

Full text / Mature
Comments: 216
Favourites: 44
Views: 1,098 (7 today)
Downloads: 43 (0 today)
Wattpad : 153 reads
Blogger : 20 reads

Guess Who ? Part 1 (sequel to A N W T M W M)

Introduction / PG-G
Comments: 41
Favourites: 32
Views: 509 (3 today)
Downloads: 19 (0 today)
Wattpad : 23 reads
Blogger : 14 reads

Guess Who ? Part 2

Second Chapter / PG-G
Comments: 12
Favourites: 18
Views: 224 (61 today)
Downloads: 2 (0 today)
Wattpad : 31 reads

About The Harmony of Pain

Intro + Chapters 1, 2 / Mature

Comments: 15
Favourites: 29
Views: 492 (4 today)
Downloads: 12 (0 today)
Wattpad : 16 reads
Blogger : Not yet uploaded

About The Harmony of Pain - Part 3

Chapter 3 / PG-G
Comments: 2
Favourites: 12
Views: 179 (4 today)
Downloads: 4 (0 today)
Wattpad : 18 reads
 Blogger : Not yet uploaded

Charming randomness of a Monday Morning

It started off on Deviant art - as I answered to a poll from a friend - ikaax - about deviant art releasing a second full day where all members can enjoy the premium privileges and one of his 3 choices was : There is a God and he loves you. Obviously I picked that one.

(print screen not available, my dearie took his poll off)

Then I went to twitter to check out the latest tweets - and the Stiff Hiliengertz (I'm dead sure I spelled that wrong) posted something refering to their facebook - which post I couldn't access because I am not yet liking them. I wouldn't have expected Monks to have a twitter and even less a facebook so i follow them only since last night and this morning.

So, I go to facebook, in order to look them up to Like them and guess what ?

First and top of my page - a photo of dear beloved Tommy boy! 

(This is the post the  Monks put on their twitter and which I wanted to see)

My first reaction is to comment on it - with honest truth : I came to find monks and I find Tom. Thank you!

I went to shower and re-thought this whole train of events and I giggled to myself! Yesterday I sort of made peace with Henri, Sam and Rey and I just bursted out loud at the Angelic sense of humor!

There is a God and He Loves you - go seek your passion (the monks) and you'll get what you run away from with all your strength. (Running away : avoiding Tumblr and youtube (since I don't google him up and I have more fans on twitter than the ma himself so, no danger there)

Yesterday, I was listening to Gregorian - The Masters of Chant and this one song - The Gift gave me such shivers and goosebumps! The lyrics went straight into my heart like fucking spears and arrows! To the outside world it's just a song, but to me, in knowledge of my Angels' ways of talking to me - this was totally a slap from them. And after I made peace in my heart with them, I felt so liberated and light! I can love humans and still do my work and follow their lead.

And this morning - they wake me up with breakfast in bed!

Looove You Guys !! so friggin much!

(And I was just chatting with my friend Stephen, relating the events and :

Steph :
teheheh its a sign lol   tu sais ce qui disent, les voies du seigneur sont impénétrables lol
It's a sign lol you know what they say, the ways of the lord are impenetrable lol
Emilia Tokes says
et j,adore son humour :D
And i love his humor
c'est comme moi qui check vla 1 mois pour planifier ce voyage sur google map pis je trouve eurien
It's like me who was looking to plan vacations last month, this same trip on google map and I find aanoothing

pis là, on dirait toute est placé sur ma route pis je trouve tout en 3 jours lol
and now, it's like everything is laid out on my path and I find everything in 3 days lol

Gotta love the guys up there ! I sure do ! And even today everything is placing in a ncie smooth motion : I have time to shower, go out get pu erh tea and meet my friend Adriana ! It's basically 2 metro stations away!