Tuesday, October 12, 2010

You think you want something

Because it's fancy, it's costly, it might bring you more than what you have at the current moment but... do you really want it ?

Example 1 : Volks limited Charlotte BJD doll which I found on a Danny Choo blog entry and instantly fell in love with and ... I was ready to bust 1,500$ US on it ! The next day, I saw it - random search on Den of Angels and it was announced for 1,250$ US and yet - I was ready again to get it.

Until the evening of the same night, when I went to Soom Doll site. And when I saw her. Better price, better looking, and her young adult offers advantages a kid looking face/body cannot - it has more limitations for what I know I would have planned in the future.

Good thing I didn't jump into the first purchase ! For that same price, I can get the doll and the clothes I want.

Example 2 : In the summer, I completely fell in love with the Olympus EPL-1 Pen camera which is about a small dslr point and shoot style. I loved it at first sight because it was small, reflex, digital and offered in the basic lens kit a lens that was in the10's or 20's of mm which is basically wide angle, normal, landscape. But that camera had a price I wasn't yet ready to spend for a small compact camera.

Good thing, again, I didn't bought it because I found - still in my beloved Canon Family - the perfect little point and shoot camera in the Canon PowerShot SD3500 IS ( pink of course ) which does exactly ( !! ) what I want it to do : high quality pictures ( 14mp ) from landscape perspective ( 24mm ) the 5x zoom is the least of my worries since I am already equipped with a Canon EOS 50D and a Canon PowerShot SX 10 IS for the zooming options, and other various needs. I have to add that the video quality is incredible ! I don't know if they inserted a lens flare "thingie" in their lens, but filming water on the lake St-Louis came out way less "light lined" as when I used to do it with the SX10 IS. ( normally, a special lens on is used with DSRL to diminish and cut that counter effect of light ) So yet another win.

And finally coming to example number 3. The most recent and the most life changing one. I graduated last year in Medical Archives from O'Sullivan College and I after 3 years of pain and much energy put into it, I was sort of hoping that the real life deal would bring me peace with something that these famous 3 years thrown in the mud and shredded to confetti.

In the beginning, I didn't even had job offers. When I did and applied, I never got answers back. Once I applied two different times, having received the offer two times and neither once did I even got as much as an answer that they got my application form. Not even that little courtesy. Other offers were geographically located at the extremes of Québec province and I didn't felt like braving that kind of an adventure : to go live in God knows where north city and build myself a life up there, from scratch, away from everyone and everything I know.

More than a year later, I finally get an offer in Montreal and it's from a place where I always dreamed of working. But it's also the best example of how illusions can be of the sparkles and how reality can deceive and not be at all how one could have dreamed it.

I finally had a job offer for Douglas Psychiatric Institution, here in Montreal. Always wanted to - dreamed of it, talked about it in college, burnt everyone's ears with it.

Now that I had the occasion, I find it ... rather cold and ... I know it was only an interview, but an interview goes both ways. Both parties judge the other one and I personally didn't quite like the cold attitude of the Medical Archives Chief person.

That detached coldness ... really doesn't inspire me to want to be more in contact with that person.

And I realized that - it's been over a year ! since I graduated. I saw psychiatric case once in the final exam for the course... they would need to train me from A to Z and I would need to completely re-learn which I really don't have the ... motivation to do so !

My current job location is a drain for the time it takes me but I love it ! I feel secure there, I love my team and I love my simple job. Lesser pay but I don't care - i still could manage to live decently and afford my hobbies.

If Douglas calls back - in a couple of weeks - I am personally not accepting. Though I wish they wouldn't call back - I wish they find two candidates who'd really appreciate and need those two positions because I won't - I don't want anymore.

Monday, September 20, 2010

So is life meant to be ...

a long river of "acceptance and compromises" without the thrill of passionate love or are my self defence mechanisms way to fucking strong for my own good ... ?

and here I go again in the white thick mist of my doubts, back in my own white darkness again - the night is dark, the snow is white and comfortingly white and fluffy, the sky is clear with stars, but the stars are so distant and unreachable ...

Friday, September 10, 2010

And I am doubting again

and I epic fail at ... considering ...

I mean it felt so fucking weird to have a real man sitting at my table meeting my parents ! it's not me ! it's not who I am.

I always saw myself as those 40-50 year old single men, lonesome wolf type of, "le célibataire endurci" from the 80's movies - the tough guys, either divorced or never married. That was MY life path all traced for me ! Apartment, job, life, best friend.

Apartment. My Current Job. My Little Brother.

and my photography hobby. No need for a partner, a relationship or that kinda thing.

I think I tried - but I just proved to myself that I am NOT made for that type of life.

I don't see myself ... getting married and having kids. At least not with the current one.

I want Henri. So desperately want him.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

I guess I'll never be ready

Today, for some odd reason and just for the kicks, I created myself a profile over plenty of fish . com - a dating site. I came to know of it's existence through a coworker's who's sister is on the site.

I guess I created a profile for the kicks but only 2 hours after I feel like deleting it.

Maybe I am simply not ready and never will be ready to face a real relationship.

I been falling in love with virtual men since I'm 8. The few real man I loved with the same burning passion either didn't love me back or the ones who did, I didn't love them back so - let's face it. It wasn't meant to be happening for me. Not in this lifetime.

And - it has been actually comforting to love an idea ghost. Sabik beat the record of all my men put together ! Where most lovers lasted max 6 months, he lasted 2 years !

And now, Henri is sort of ... occupying the throne of my heart. Which doesn't leave an empty spot for any other ... beau.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

White pants on a red day

I should have known better. A night in the arms of two blond men, followed by a night with Andrew only could foretold the upcoming monthly joy of the female flood. I even joked about it with a friend on msn but failed to take into consideration the screaming signals and had the most wonderful idea of putting on my pale beige tight pants (first gift from my first ex upon my change of looks) and voila ! I couldn't have picked a better day !

I just pray now that no ... bad omen will leak through the improvised barrier.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Joe D. Joe Anderson
black hair blue eyes - curly, short blond, straight, long
work colleague actor
Irish/American/Canadian English
blue eyes - almost washed off jeans blue eyes - deep and intense like Guy Pearce
~ somewhere in his 40's late 20's (one year older than me)
can't imagine working without him can't imagine working With him !
adore him major crush for the next 3 months
met : first day of work saw first time : The Crazies
love his laughter and chatting love his acting

Monday, July 19, 2010

Those classics from my youth

My dad is re-tapping - recording on dvd - old movies he had recorded on VHS and among those are really old classics of my youth which I haven't yet seen on DVD, but beyond recuperating digital data, it's the memories, the "what forged me" my ideals and my fantasies that bring to this activity such a meaningful and unique vibe.

Pirates Island (1991) was a classic and a huge fave of mine! A bunch of kids have a planned trip aboard a hot aired balloon which turns bad and find themselves on an island where pirates rule the game ! It's fascinating to see that the pirates live in their own little society with rules, social classes and rules, and yet a plane and scream and go hide and go back to normal as if nothing was but they don't know of Australia - because it's not even on their maps !

This is a personal opinion, but if I would have to compare that movie - made back then, with today's mentality and style of directing... I find myself loving the old simple things a whole lot better. For instance, the adventure is about 3 boys and one girl. But oh - miracle - no sex allusions, no bad jokes, no wet tee-shirts to show off boobs - only the guys get to show off their mid-teen bodies (especially the hero, Tony (played by Les Hill) who was the local hottie, sexy bad boy and yet know it all ! He even kids around that let's see if what they teach kids in school can actually be useful and save their lives ! Back then, a sexy hot looking know it all bad boy was credible and was acceptable, was a standard, or an ideal even ! No wonder I fell head over heals for Andrew later on ;) university graduate and rocker.

Back then, the girl could be intelligent, cool and not be the local rape material. She could be in danger - as much as the boys, get out, be intelligent, cute, clever. All in one, like a real individual and not only a joke or an exageration of a stereotypical social image.

I miss how things were simple, magic and how scenarios had everything i takes to make a good movie, even if it's a youth movie for the TV audience. No fake - no making too much outta a simple thing.

Monday, June 28, 2010

June went by

And didn't wave bye.

I remember doing my work when C. asked me if I had two hours so she could show me the new tasks.

I remember my team leader asking me if I wanted to assume that job after C.'s leave on maternity leave. I remember I said yes with enthusiasm, ready to take a new challenge.

I remember as if it was yesterday and yet it was in the first week of June.

Juuuune where have you gone ?

I did one week under J.'s supervision, he's my next desk neighbour and Life Savior. Next week he was on vacation so I had this newly acquired work, with still a few questions, my previous tasks and even thought I mastered that week (monthly crap, around 2k in cash on Monday, many many checks during that week, and all deposits being done by me alone) like a pro but God was I relieved when J. came back !

There was an aspect of my new task I didn't quite understood and it had fallen a little behind, even though I tried to do it every day as much as I could to keep it updated.

So there I was today, with 10 wires left to do, with bank activity statements that we had received the money but no information from the Credit and Collection department - and there I was, feeling like Oliver Twist in front of a bureaucratic task. Not quite knowing what to do and my team leader asking me via email why they were not done.

Simply because my training was rushed - 4 days reduced to 4 hours, because work accumulated during the weeks and because doing the mail and the sales reports takes more time than anything else !

On one hand, my team leader asks me to prioritize the trade cheques - no problem. Than, log the received sales reports first - not a problem either, but with the quantity I receive on Mondays and Thursdays and when it comes late, please do not plan on chopping my head off - I am barely doing what I can in the time I have ! Than, my team leader's boss asks me how far back I am in the manifests (which were my primary task before mail, upon my arrival at this job). It seriously accumulated like crazy ! It had piled up to make a pile the size of a monthly cargo manifest basket (let's just say a freakin' load!) So I took some time on quiet Friday (past) to get rid of some of the manifests and keep up to date with that.

Monday morning I set my mind to finish all the wires for June - which I succeeded, except those famous 10 for which I needed the assistance of higher ups and I don't want to sound mean or anything, but the lady has this way of talking to me, or looking at me, making me feel like a complete idiot ! I know I am not a sales, finance accountant clerk, but if one person would simply clearly explain me the work - I can grasp the logic and do it properly ! Give me some credit, for Pete's sake ! But please do not expect me to read minds ! People drop papers on my desk and expect me to know instantly what do with it ! At the moment, I do 4 different tasks ! with each of them having main goals, sub goals, side goals and time limits ! So please bear with me !

And we are closing the month of June and June is over ! It felt like those promised 4 days reduced to 4 hours.

But I am ready for July ! Bring it on !

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Welcome to Ubuntu - please let your joy scream free

Okay - so today I finally moved tot he Other Side and downloaded Ubuntu 10.04 to install it on my laptop (Acer Aspire 5720 bought in September 2007 I believe with Windows Vista by default. Back then - I would have killed for Vista ! Why ? Compared to fade Windows XP - Vista had the sexy slick glass looks. Yes, I am shallow.

I couldn't update the Windows in December of that year, because I don't have a rooter at home and something just fucked up - I shouldn't have disabled the default firewall - maybe it was what triggered the whole drama. Anyway, I ended up with a seriously fucked up laptop - not running decently half the time. In the last two years - enormous amounts of crashing, blue screens and error messages.

One day I just had enough.

Firstly, uninstalling vista was a plain fucking nightmarish pain in the ass ! Right-clicking on the C-drive and selecting format didn't do anything about it. I never found the format thing in the menu either and boot from cd ? forget it ! It took me half the day to discover that by default, that option was disabled in the moot mode when launching the computer.

I did it my way then. Manually deleted a few files in C drive - put in the Ubuntu bootable cd and F12-ed the whole thing.

Of course, Ubuntu being the generous self it is - offered to split the drive, but I chose a complete erasing of windows and full space for the new kid on the Pc. Loaded like a charm ! Much faster than Windows.

Set up in 7 steps could have been ran with success by a 10 year old kid or younger !

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Defaulft screen after I picked a wallpaper

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A selection of wallpapers

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Menu - this is the equivalent of Windows start button

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Games menu

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Graphics - Notice how it's easy - convenient and a bliss to navigate : very logic

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Office - Open office is the Free equivalent of Windows Microsoft Office - with also a very logic, easy to naviguate and user friendly design - the very recent versions, on top, are fully compatible with microsoft office formats ;)

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Your Media center : watch, edit, make movies - burn dvds - record sounds

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This is the same as Windows Control Panel

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Instead of having zillions of icons of shortcutes on your desktop - Ubuntu likes to have them all organized in one neat drop down menu ! If you look for the trashbin, by the way, it's the last icon in the very bottom of the right hand side corner ! after the 4 boxes which are 4 other customizable desktops ;) Because that is the charm of Ubuntu : you can run 12 desktops if you need that much ;) This is the default one. Lucid Lynx is the latest they launched and there are others.

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The System Preferences lets you fully customize your environment as your heart wishes - down the fonts and sizes ! And they do have some pretty cute and fancy and yet classy and readable fonts !

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As mentionned : you can pick the font you want for the various "sections" of your Pc - general appearance - documentes - so you can have 5 different types of fonts running as default fonts.

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Inserted a local Québec production movie Good Cop - Bad Cop

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Very soft on the eyes - a part of the menu with the playlist simple and neat on the right hand side.

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Screen saver selection ! I absolutely Love this ant ! so cuuute !

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This lamp imitates glass fiber glasses and actually changes colors randomly

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Ubuntu coders didn't forget that among their uses - there are females who like fluffy cute pink stuff !

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If you like biology - I strongly suggest the splitting cells ! it's life in front of your eyes !

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And of corse - the Matrix code is among the best - and free ( !! ) default choices Ubuntu has :D I mean come on ! half the world if not more went nuts over that movie and we literally craved to get a piece of it ! any format was good.

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This is what I was referring earlier on : you can have as many desktops running as you wish and you can navigate between them ! You need one desktop for professional purposes and looks ? fine. But you are a hardcore fan of SpongeBob Squarepants but it's not professional eh - screw limitations ! You can have both a boring yet corporately acceptable desktop and Bob making jelly fish bubbles in the one right next to it :D the better of all worlds.

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Notepad ! Made intelligent and sexy and useful ! in all ways possible.

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A notebook is similar to a folder ! See the logic ? You want to take notes about your biology course : make a notebook labeled Biology - and you automatically know that all your Bio notes are in there ! by default :D Like a folder or a an actual tabbed note pad ;)

Here you can see that the first note that I wrote, which I wanted in that specific note pad - has been automatically been inserted in it :D

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Example of a quick note - and a wink at a friend ;)

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Games !!! Hellyeah baby !! yes - there is a tetris in that group shot ! ( intelligent games, mah-jong, Mines, solitaire, tetris and sudoku !!) I haven't verified for all games but most of them : easy - medium - hard

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A true classic - no matter the OS - Solitaire ! Except that with Ubuntu - you get a freakin' rich selection of types of solitaires ! explore the menus to discover new challenges

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Intelligent games ! Because - why waste your time, if you can waste it and get more brilliant by the same occasion ? calculation - memory - logic - words - to make of you a clever person ;)

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Example of an intelligent game : how many squares in total ?

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^-^ yay I got it right !

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I'm a mah-jong fan since grade school ! goodness gracious thank you Ubuntu ppl for having put this game in the default games !! of course the background color is customizable, as the softness of the tiles

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Mines - yet another true classic :D

^__^ and voila ! my very first few hours on Ubuntu !

Fun facts :

Ubuntu starts and shuts down in about less than 5 seconds (with a 3 year old laptop with 2 gig ram)

file transfer is so freakin, quick - you don't have time to blink, even less for a coffee like with Windows.

This thing is fast !

Just like Windows vista, you can have your main home clock and as many other clocks as you wish -

Sunday, May 23, 2010

I still feel lost

I dunno but everything at this moment in my life feels like falling apart. I don't know where I stand anymore. I feel more and more like a walking and thinking zombie.

I almost wish I could be otaku or more clearly hikikomori.

I don't know what I want - concretely. Or, no, I do. What botters me is the options. If my heart could stop shifting like a fucking balance long enough ! but sooner or late it shifts and there goes the other option on the rise.

I want my freedom - my own home - my own place. I don't want an apartment, though - i cannot stand that fucking neighborhood life ! I want quiet and isolated place.

Do I go with photography passion and have a side job or stay at my current job - if they want to keep me and have money income secured ?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


*copied from live chat with lil bro today*

I think I decided I won't go to Dawson in photography this fall. Today it's been the second time that question was asked. The first time, I was in my second or third week at work and Debbie called me to Salvador's office (Debbie is my team leader, Salvador I have no flippin' idea - he's the head of Charter flights department i think but I could be wrong - he looks like a leader or a boss) and a third man, tall, blond 50's very British to the core accent who's an ever bigger boss ! He asked me how I see my future. I honestly replied that I subscribed at Dawson and I was awaiting an answer. Salvador explained a bit the procedure to him and I nodded.

Today, Debbie asked me if I had news of the school. I said no - not yet. And I realized something in the moment right after ! I didn't want to happen. I didn't any longer wanted to be accepted and if I was - I would refuse.

I honestly like my spot at Air Inuit ! I like the work, I don,t need to be fake around the ppl - there are small groups of friends but at the moment I'm with no one - in my circle - doing my work and no one takes it personally that I'm a bit silent and quiet and do the job ! As I told you - I always come in advance ( 8:15 though I am paid from 8:30), I don't take the 2 times 10 minutes break that I could normally take - I do an impeccable job ! very rarely mistakes and so minor that I can correct them at the second step of my work flow. I very rapidly grew at ease with my work - do it well - and I'm getting quicker and quicker.

Today, I had to do Joe's job (a part of it) since he's on vacation (he's my sort of guide ? helper - he shows me the stuff to do) and so I entered all the 48 checks we had received : it balanced out with the amount of the photocopies I had made ( meaning I didn't miss a single cent in the entry) for a first timer on the calculating machine with the paper roll - I felt happy and proud :D you could have seen my fingers go with ease and comfort ! (proud

And as I was doing the rest of my work - I realized it.

I do photography for the thrills - because I love the shutter sound - for me it's ... aphrodisiac. It fully satisfies me to hear that sound - to press the button - to capture one second among all infinity of the past present and future. I love cameras and what I love is to collect them like trophies ! like an old sense of pride - yeah baby I can afford to throw 3k in a piece of metal junk ! I see the new Olympus Ep1 or 2 as a new "objet de convoitise" a something I need to own - i strive to own - I want to own !!

this morning, as I was rolling in the bus, I noticed how the lil perpendicular streets that touch Cote Vertu where I was - were so green with trees and grass and cute little houses ! I saw a couple to sale ...

I thought how wonderful it would be to be fully myself : buy the Japanese things i want, spend a fortune in delivery fees, buy the clothes I want, the PCs, the games, eat the stuff I want at the hour I want (if I want a burning hot tea at 9pm for example) go out on week ends - do the groceries and get what I want where I want ! sleep naked in winter, or watch torture movies when I have a down (martyrs and the horsemen for example - i was hooked on them last year in fall ... or before ? I was in a depressive period so uber dark movies with pain felt ... just right ! ) I want to buy dolls (Sabik for starters, and a few 50 more) and a canon EOS 50D Mark 2 with the chroma shit i saw on youtube and all that stuff.

I will have my own garden, flowers, vegetables, a pool even !

I want to have my own freedom - my own life - my own rules - my own responsibilities - my own thinking and deciding of stuff. My own way of spending the money I earned through my work.

And even if this doesn't pay nowhere near what I am supposed to get as a medical archivist - I think I honestly don't give an epic fuck ! Let's do life baby steps - like everyone else.

But I want my House !

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Avatar the movie - epic fail

My dad bought the dvd so I am watching it.

1 - the american machismo is epic fail ! It's not by representing the marines as a bunch of heartless on steroids pushed by national ego and pride that the rest of the world will see them any better than a bunch of ruthless morons who'll take what ever they want no matter the ways.

2 - the pink flowers that Jake sees on his first day in the jungle ... if they saw BBC's Seas of LIfe - they wouldn't be so high and mighty about ... plants and stuff

3 - the landscapes being ouh lala : have they seen Lord of the Rings and Jurassic Parc saga ?

4 - the illuminated plants at night : have they seen The Last Rainforest ?

5 - And wow - the female blue cat speaks English. How convenient ! This is clearly a pure egoistical standpoint of vue, but when I daydreaming of White Darkness ( © me ) I do not speak Ancient Latin, and nor does Sabik and Sammael speak modern English or French to be convenient with me ! When I was in my Japanese moment, I didn't conveniently spoke Japanese and even if Kamenashi for the sake of the story spoke English, chose NOT TO, to make it more the experience of living in a foreign world. Are we that afraid that we cannot assume the differences where outside of our lil comfort zone ??

6 - illuminated path of moss as they walk : did you knew that there are fluorescent bacteria in the ocean waters which illuminate as you move if you are in the sea water at night ? and floating Medusa ... oh Christ, just go see a flippin' documentary about the seas and you'll see more than you ever wished for ! "pure spirits" ... yeah Medusa are pure too : they are brainless and yet they are among the most efficient killing machines down there.

7 - Ohh so there is a school to teach the locals English. Miracle it's not a religious based torture and rape seance tryin' to humanize the blue cats. Still - it's never explained HOW long it must have taken, how did the locals reacted when they first approached ? In Pocahantas at least, there is begining and an end. In this Avatar movie, it's Flat dive into it and accept it and be a happy moron.

8 - the tree of prayers and ancestors : again, pale imitation of Ferngully The Last Rainforest 3/4's end sequence.

9 - Oh yeah, that's it - fuck the enemy and than destroy their dreams and hopes ! Oh and yeah - total lack of communication ! No sense of knowing who is the local and who is your own damn rookie infiltrating them !

10 - the destruction of the forest and the ppl meeting in that tree of the ancestors : sooo Ferngully it's not even a funny copy paste.

11 - Grace (the woman chief scientist) swapping into the Na'vi Body : that is soo Ghost in the Shell spiritualized ! Two bodies - mind swapping. (not that I criticized the technological way of how the humans enter their avatars, but I have the same opinion about it. Ghost in the shell theory and fact applied to this movie. )

12 - Final conclusion : watch Ghost in the Shell : Innocence, to see real mind blowing visual technology.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Analogies which make you realize

I had found one my fave childhood authors on facebook and so of course I invited him to be friends. Taken by surprise that he accepted and blessed that he shares a few long chats with me - he made me realize something !

In this current third reply of his - we are discussing how authors influenced us and how he sees the authors which influence him. He used the analogy of an internship - taking what is useful and moving on. I on the opposite, with my romantic nature, take each author for a temporary lover, to whom I give a bit of my time and passion in exchange for his dreams and stories.

But what fascinates me is the exceptions rule. He quoted a few names and I thought of my bunch. Tanith Lee, Marion Zimmer Bradley, Judith Kellman. All females. Which basically just bashes the theory of the lovers. I can love men, I can be their passionate lover but in the end, the ones who completely marked me as a late teen and adult were females. (While I cannot deny that the 3-4 who greatly influenced me to life in my prime childhood are all males. )

I guess I am bi to the core. Even in the choice of my authors.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

At the dawn of 30's - how do I feel ?

Hello epic question.

It came about like an insidious lil bug. Innocent comment from a man - a friend of mine - who was 35 about when we met. He is a feet and stocking fetishist - I provided him with a pair - we became friends but never saw each another time after that one day of our first meet.

It just didn't worked out and it simply wasn't meant to be and I don't regret it in any shape or form.

But what he asked me, does bother me slightly.

How does it feel ? How do I feel it ?

Honestly I haven't quite thought of it - and in the moments where I have - I only found pure deception.

Two diplomas (graphic design ~ professional school and medical archiving ~ college) and no stable job. It's like the men. The real human ones lasted from 36 hours to 6 months (and here I picked the two extremes - standard was 2-3 months with me) ... just like the jobs. 3 months here, two weeks there. No stability.

The only stable men were Sabik who lasted over 2 years before the little unplanned post man earth quake devastated me (just to be fashionable and in the season - I mean earth quakes are the hip in 2010) and currently Henri, in who's arms, I find true appeasement and comfort. Henri is like Aramis - like Samael - the Blond Man of my dreams with whom no matter what I feel comfortable, safe and happy.

Alas, neither Sabik nor Henri are real.

So... does that fit the reverse image ?

Fake men : last long. Real men disgust me. Real jobs last barely 3 months. Fake job will give me security ?

I could think of a thousand of fake jobs but I don't feel up to prostitution and I'm worth shit at shooting, so professional ... what is even the correct term... professional killer ... is as less likely to happen and make me happy.

A new guy on MSN - who found me on MySpace (to where I don't even bother go anymore) sort of proposed me to become a teacher in China or Seoul. With no qualifications - how the flippin' hell would I convince anyone that I am the right person to teach those folks English language ? I don't know how to speak any Asian language so ... hello barrier. What if students can't speak decently enough in English for me to understand their questions.

And as all other things, this proposition only left me day dream of Henri. Anything is a good enough of an excuse to spend time with him. He'd be great as the French teacher - lol.

Alternative lives do keep my mind sane. As much as I can.

Photography does the rest of the job.

But, in fact, I'm deeply unsatisfied, unhappy, feeling empty.

My little brother and our projects together are about the only bridge between me and reality. But I would need so much more. I would need a stable firm land. A fucking guarantee of stability and routine and that stuff that makes life how life is defined by a vast majority of individuals to who's group I would like to eventually belong. The group that has a stable job, a home where they feel safe and happy, activities, friends ... a normal life.

I randomly look at the soft halo of the computer screen's glow on my tea mug and all I can think of is : how beautiful it would be if I could take a picture of this - just how it looks in my eyes, how my eyes reflect this image on my retina and how my brain interprets it. All I can think of is photography - even in my daydreams with Henri or Sabik - photography is always there.

With Sabik, I was working as a camera woman, in the boat scenario, I was a gay porn model photographer in the original story (where I found his family name), I was the photographer who took his corporate shots when he was the Chairman ...

With Henri, it's the same. Since I loose my camera in the bus accident, he temporarely lends me his father's old Leica - an old one with a film, with manual settings, with manual tricks.

Funny how I cannot conceive my life and my happiness without a camera. Without the action of taking pictures, of framing life, it's content and it's shadows and hopes. Even my tea mug looks good enough to be shot - in this dim ethereal digital light.

At the dawn of my 30's I feel ... lost and incomplete. All my girlfriends - the ones who counted the most for me - are now since long married and have kids of their own - I, the rebellious one, am alone by choice (not that I regret it) but it seems that ... or is it me imagining it : in life it's either take it all or lose it all. They do have the career, the lover, the house.

I am stuck in a place that drives me mad, with people that oppress me and my freedoms and without a stable concrete solid employment.

And at the very moment, without news yet of Dawson as per my application into photography course.

Though, I should be used. It did take O'Sullivan a good 2-3 months !

Only -

Only I so desperately hope to be accepted and move on and find in this schoola nd program my salvation.

If I don't get accepted - if it doesn't work out - what will I be at 27, the dawn of my 30's ?

A looser ? A failure ?

I am wondering ...

I am wandering .

Monday, April 12, 2010

So that's all I am ...

It's been about over a month than an ex of mine tries to seduce me back into a quick time with him (thought I doubt he would be satisfied with only one and would certainly try for more) using the charming pretext that we haven't seen each other in so long.


My very first ex hasn't seen me since' I'm 20 and after he added me on Facebook, never even said hi. This second one is a tenacious lil bastard though. Proposing movie theater (take a wild guess for what reason), than a porn movie at his home ( !! ) which I turned around in all honesty : if you want a porn movie with me, it better be gay ! to which he proposed a porn theater downtown, in the village, which I refused : sperm makes me throw up no matter the context !

Than he proposed an afternoon back at Old Port of Montreal where during the summer which I spent with him, we used go there and he got his way into my pants - hands first, to be precise. It seems he never quite got over that memory ! I fucked 3 other dudes after him, plus one with whom I didn't got that far (lack of ... time possibility during the day) and I didn't felt much pain or regret or ... what ever. I moved on.

He has this girlfriend since we became roommates (back 6 years ago) - a girl which I know - and he still "ha[s] a pleasant memory of [my] kisses" ... Christ ! He has been fucking this girl for the last 6 years and he thinks of MY kisses ??

in french : Lamentable !!

Than, today, I was randomly on facebook to reply to a chat I had with another friend of mine and this other man with whom I spent a day (no intimate encounter of any kind though) still misses my open mind-ness for his fetish (stockings and feet) and still fantasies about me !

Oh dear heavens ! what have I done ?!

Yet, when I honestly tell him that I had moved on, spent about over 2 years fantasizing about another man (Sabik) and now doing the same with yet another (Henri) he suddenly ... cools off. Waits a good 5 minutes before asking a socially decent and neutral question : at the dawn of your 30's, do you feel changed, different than when you were 18-20 ?

Obviously yes !

I prefer the thrills of spirituality to the frivolities of flesh pleasures ! I prefer the thrills of being madly in love with a memory, a dream, a ghost than to be deceived and hurt by a living pack of cells who lets itself be ruled by hormones.

So that's all I am for my exes : great sex for free - no problems, no questions. A free prostitute - even, a slut - since I wouldn't ask nothing in return and I doubt they would give anything in exchange either.

That's all I am - "a great time" a great memory ...

I prefer my vivid memories of Sabik and Henri and even both at the same time is more enjoyable than one of my real exes !

And since we are into it - why not make an orgy ? Jorgen, Fritz, Sam - come in join the fun !

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My childhood - teenhood - lost and found

I was desperately searching - on a quest, actually - of books that had marked me during my childhood and my teenage hood.

I have author names, titles, which never quite left my memory : Denis Côté, Joël Champetier, Philippe Gauthier ... but I had these evasive stories which I couldn't remember neither the author nor the title. A pain.

I spent more than 10 years looking - searching - desiring to find them back !

And the heavens have their very own humor.

"The answer is at your feet!" and I quite mean that literally. My personal book library is facing my bed. There is one shelf at the level of my mattress, thus at m feet. On that shelf I have the smaller sized books and "romans" (stories). Tonight, for no particular reason but to check out if I could find anything at all through the Editor's website - not much hope floating around me, though - I took out a book. Le Bagarreur (Bad Boy in it's original title) and so I went on the Tysseyre edition website and nearly had a heart attack as titles from my past re-surfaced, with the same covers as when I was in grade school and in high school. Hope rose a little bit.

Until one page after another I kept on stumbling on titles that I had cherished through out my life.

I thought - and I could have sworn my life on it - that the title of this book I was so desperately searching for - was Un jeu dangereux ( A dangerous game ) but I found the light tonight. It's actually Un si bel enfer, by Louis Émond. Louis Émond - such a French name, how could I have forgotten it ! As a kid, I was very aware of the fact that I was an emigrant from an European country and how these authors had so perfectly French names.

In grade school, I had read this book about a girl, her mother and this man who keeps calling her Alice, while her name is Celia. It spoke of the dead, the afterlife, hypnosis and such. It basically addicted me to parapsychology and the Near Death Experiences and Life after Death themes - which consumed my teenage years. I remembered the story, but I couldn't remember the story - and as I flipped through the pages, I had the most delightful heart beat skip when I stumbled on the cover. Merveilles au pays d'Alice ( Wonders in Alice's country/world). That is the origin and the reason why I am Ailime on the internet. Celia is Alice spelled backwards. Ailime is Emilia spelled backwards ;)

Another one that I greatly appreciated and missed. It's a story about how scientist manage to reproduce a unicorn with the genetic code found inside a corpse found in an iceberg and they want to use the unicorn or it's horn for something bad but a girl saves him and runs away with him - ensues a very beautiful friendship and lessons of life. Clair de Lune

Random titles which marked me as a kid/teen

Le secret de Qader - Le chateau de fer - L'héritage de Qader
Edgar le Bizarre - L'Étrange amour d'Edgar
Panique au cimetière
La requête de Barrad - La prisonnière de Barrad - Le voyage de la Sylvanelle -
Les hockeyeurs cybernétiques
Red Lerouge

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I do "impressive works"

It started at one of the breaks today, the lunch break or the second one in the afternoon. A colleague who replaces me during mybreaks asked me what I would be doing after this current contract at Xerox downtown Montreal office (receptionist contract of 2 weeks) and I said that I had nothing planned but it was a welcomed break because I planned on going to the mountain and take some beaver pictures - hoping that I would actually catch them !

She asked me if I took pictures and I said yes, giving her some of my links (flickr, jpg mag, picasa).

She came back about an hour later, maybe an hour and a half, and she was stunned.

"Did you took those pictures ? All of them ?" she asked
"Yeah..." I replied sort of surprised (of course - i wouldn't have taken stolen shots and claimed they were mine!)
"Some of them are uneblievable !" she continued

And so it seems I have two more fans ! Sonia and Jacques (who both at intervals replace me at the front desk reception during my breaks and lunch hours) are amazed by the pictures I can take !

Sonia was struck by the snails in Ireland and so we had a lil chit chat about my equipment (the 2 Canons ) and the very detail that no I had never followed courses before but yes I had applied to Dawson in photography and was hoping to get an answer eventually. (And I really fucking hope with every fiber of my soul and existence to be accepted !)

I let her know that my pictures on picasa were at a higher resolution and available to be downloaded as wallpapers - she was obviously impressed during the whole chat !

Even funnier detail, she lives in the same quarter as me - on the other side of the commonly shared Jarry park.

Isn't the world a little place, as the French expression says ;)

It also feels awesome - coming from someone that absolutely doesn't know me at all - to hear that that person actually likes and has a high esteem of my work ! It simply feels good to be recognized by an unbiased person. I tend to think - to fall in the trap of belief - that friends are biased and because they are friends they feel obliged to say nicer things or nice things just because. So once in a while - the opinion, expresed words of total strangers is the best thing to boost the confidence and the hopes ;)

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Moxie Dolls

Well, I couldn't resist ! They are cute - they are adorable - they are nice - and they are ... a bit more budget accessible than a new BJD doll - even a small format one so ... and I was simply dyin' to get new models to play around with and pose and shoot and create stories with.

Avery model/sculpt (the cute blondie with blue eyes) has been officially re-named Sybi (as my little puffy girl character) and Sophina (whom I picked solely because she has brown eyes) - will take the role of Sybi's best friend (the Coffee Fairy) and has been re-named Cody.

I dunno yet what kind of stories I will make but I want them silly and humorous like our very literal humor on msn.

On with the piccies !




More Photos on my Flickr

Official Moxie Dolls website

Dolls of Color - a blog where I discovered these

I was actually watching television and saw the Liv dolls tv add and decided to google them and I came across this blog which showed me even better alternatives ! Moxie girls :D

I wish - and I hope it'll be the case in the future - sets of clothing and accessories will be sold seperately from the dolls ! It was actually hard to chose which model because of the clothes ! ^-^;; I actually ended up buying 2 Avery dolls (one with a chopper bike and 2 sets of clothes), this pink one and Sophina ! A possible combination would have been Avery and Sophina in a box but with a costume I didn't particularly loved and about as many dolls as costumes are shown on the official website under Products - Dolls section.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Video Gaming at 26 y.o

It actually feels quite something, strange almost - I feel like that man in First Descent movie, who started snowboarding at 60 - It feels odd to start serious video gaming at 26 years old.

I installed Unreal Tournament III - the ambiance, the music, the characters - I miss Torch tough... he's not in UT III *sniffles - my Torchie-Pie*

Anyway, in the first game I killed 2 times and was killed about 10 times or more - lol - I got so used to use the keyboard shortcuts for that game, that the actual joy stick feels weird !

But the whole experience - the thrill to see the backgrounds, their type of music, their characters, story ...

Than, I installed Shaun White Snowboarding game and ...

And Shaun White gave me a 9.5 for the balls of doing some ... tricks on snowboarding - I dunno it's part of the game to encourage but holy fuck thanks Dude !! He digs my moves ? W00t !

When I think that I spent 30 minutes or more finding the HQ in DOOM 3 and the dude there said that I was not there to do Tourism ... and I get a 9.5 as a starter with snowboard... pretty clear what type of game I'm made for !

I already had 3-4 run downs the hill, got a pretty good score over all ! Learning to manipulate the commands for more flips and in the air jumps and rotations and it's nuts ! to see the character up in the air, the mountains in the background, the clear blue sky, the sun !! I feel as if I'm there riding that board myself !

*love the soundtrack too !! wanna piece of my heart - wanna be part of the show ? it's classic teen rock sort of cute stuff - I love that cute indie rock angle - it's exactly the underground life style of snowboarders !

I always dreamed to see and to play a game where I can fluidly go down hills, jump and rotate in the air, do tricks and see that white snow all over the place ! It almost feels real. And for once, I picked a girl boarder ! (I always pick guy players to represent me)

This is soooo much better than sex, it makes me wonder why ppl strive for that so much...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Random Poems

I found these in my folder while putting some order in my texts folder - never shared so here they are -

Poem for Sammael

and though they say you are but a shadow in my heart
who are they to pretend to know the tides in my soul
who are they to prentend to know the waves of passion
which constantly bring you back to my shores ?

who are they to judge our affection
when in their souls love has died so long ago
who are they to critize our promises
when their words are empty and meaningless

they don't know the depths of our love
they don't imagine the pain I suffer
they don't hear the longing whisper of my sorrow
but their ignorant words fly like arrows.

Inspiré par un ciel orageux

Que mon coeur brûle dans le feu de l’enfer
Mon âme à jamais prisonnière
Ta presence, ton existence est mon dongeon

Dans le ciel – l’enfer connaitra ce soir sa gloire
Bouc conduisant fièrement sa troupe
À la guerre s’en va l’enfer.

À la guerre s’en va l’enfer ce soir
Une armée de chevaux de nuage et de colère
Le diable les mène au champ de bataille
Loups voraces, affamés, courent dans la nuit tombante
L’enfer sera victorieux ce soir

Nuages comme des massues
Abbatez votre grêle sur le petit peuple
Démons, de vos épées coupez et tuez
Les hommes de la terre supris

Incomplete love poem

Loneliness is a never ending winter
Sorrow is a cold and empty night
My heart is here, but yours will go
Your soul is here, but mine will go.

A tear is hanging on the tip of my finger

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Canon EOS 50D

Yes - finally - after all the time spent drooling, wondering, dreaming, hearing the shutter in my night dreams, imagining awesome pictures in my day dreams, I am a new owner of a Canon EOS 50D (mark 1- the original old school one - lol )

It came a little as a "bump in the road". I planned on buying second hand from kijiji.com but since the two offers which interested me never answered back to my emails - after a decent 2 weeks delay - and since the course of life has it's own path, the big event happened today.

My dad had the day off, since he's having a week of exams this week, and since he has the only monthly paid bus Opus card, and since mom wanted to take advantage of that, she went early one to do the groceries at her usual spots.

I took the advantage of that to sneak out and go see L.L.Lozeau camera shop (and the actual body of the Canon EOS 50D is about 50$ less than than in most electronics shops such as Future Shop or Best Buy

L.L.Lozeau - Canon EOS 50D Body only - 1 149.99$
Future Shop - Canon EOS 50D Body only - 1 199.99$
Best Buy - Canon EOS 50D Body only - 1 199.99$

So, since the shop opens at 8 - I left home around 7:40am to get there in time to buy it and quickly come back home since, with mom, it's pretty impossible to do a clear official declared shopping without risking world war 3 and a apocalypse.

The store is located near the metro station Beaubien, in the Plaza St-Hubert, on Bellechasse street and St-Hubert. I have to admit, it felt strange to be back there. My ex, Carl, actually lived on Bellechasse, very near the shop and I haven't been there since 2005. I don't know why exactly, but in my memory, the store's location was ... higher up, toward Jean-Talon metro station and so, stressed, rushed and not looking the street names, I walked up way too much ! nearly up the first section of the Plaza. I had finally the good idea to ask a young woman about the facts and I had to walk 2 whole sections back ! Then, as usually do, I asked God or someone up there to give me the right hunch as to where to turn : left or right. It was left. From the corner, I haven't even seen the store ! I had to walk along it's side, to actually notice the logo up on the building, near the roof, so I walked back and entered.

Surely the store is bigger than it looks ! And don't let their cute little practical website fool you ! They do have TONS of things and it's camera galore heaven ! not to mention lenses and tripods and all sorts of equipment.

I headed towards the back where a client was talking with an employee and got the attention of another one. As my usual talent leads me to do things - I stated the facts.

Bonjour, je veux acheter une camera. (Good morning, I want to buy a camera) - yeah I am that easy! I do my research in advance so I can be on the field like a pro.

He asked which cam - I answered.

In the end, I ended up with the body of the camera and a Sigma lens ( Sigma APO DG 70-300 1:4 - 5.6 ) which works wonders ! I love spying into the distance and macro photography and this works wonders !

And then, when I think all is over and I cash out - I get a nifty little surprise. The Desjardins card has a limit of 1 000 and since my stuff was above the limit, no access. Crap ! I felt like a fool.

Rushed back home, praying mom would not be home yet - or else I was busted. Matter of fact, she was ! So I said I just walked to the parc (Jarry) and took some shots. It worked. I used the bus card to head back -though, also mentioning that I needed to go the library to give back some books. So I stopped at the bank to take some cash out, half rushed back to the store and my stuff was there on the counter. The cashier boy (rather cute and classy) and the Assistant Chief Cashier girl (almost equally as cute) were talking about my case. What if I didn't come back ? They would just ship back my stuff to the warehouse above on the upper floor. BUT since there I was in front of them ^-^ we could carry on with the business.

Just as I was making eye contact with the cashier boy, I noticed on my right side Jean-René Dufort, also know locally as Infoman (!!) standing there also picking up somthing ! Wiicked !! After he was done, I asked the girl if they had regularly celebrities coming to their store and she smiled and nodded and the other cashier girl shared her experience with another tv show hostess.

I greeted good day to everyone and headed out.

On way to the library! ... to in fact give back some books and take some out. There wasn't much of a variety of books about the topic which I hadn't already read or taken out but I was pleased and surprised to find Eyewitness Companion - Photography by Tom Ang ! I would have never believed that this collection of books - usually tourist guides about countries around the world - would have the topic of cameras and photography in general ! I'm a sold fan of their style, work and way of putting a book together so I snatched this one.

Coming home - after I dropped by the Super C to buy concentrated orange juice since Mom asked me to - the trick was to actually make it look like I hadn't bought anything ! Not quite an easy task with two ... considerable sized boxes, but I had planned my thing ! I had put my other camera's pouch bag (Canon Power shot SXi 10 IS) in my purse - pretending that I am bringing it with myself - and voila ;) The two boxes were than shrank down to minimal size, put in the bigger bag I had brought for the books, the new camera in the pouch, the lens in it's own pouch in the purse too and with the help of free Metro newspapers, I could hide the top part of the camera's box which would have otherwise betray me.

Acting cool was also a big part of the game. Never let her even thing I did anything else than borrow books and buy juice.

So for the moment, I have the cam resting in the pouch, the lens in it's own pouch, the battery charged, and one extra in the pouch pocket, with the recharger.

What I need to do is :
1 - Read and learn the manual
2 - Get a bigger Compact Flash card. The one I currently have, a 32 MB one that came with the first Canon Power Shot A80 that I bought way back then in ... 2003 or around that time ... is completely out dated for this type of high capacity camera !
3 - Practice a bit more with it - learn to handle it - to be comfortable around it.
4 - See what other lenses - basic or specific - that I would like, need and can afford - with time ;)

But' quite freakin' happy I finally have the cam !

And I'm calling it Philippe. <3

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Pas de Calais - Chapitres 1 à 5

1 – La mer

La mer est une mère qui accueuille dans ses bras qu’importe le nom, la race, l’origine ethnique. La mer ouvre ses bras et accueuille les cœurs désamparés et blessés. La mer est généreuse et donne son amour inconditionnel, qu’importe qui la demande et comment.

Je me suis jettée de plein fouet dans ls bras accueuillants de la mer du nord de la Bretagne, espérant et souhaitant que les eaux froides rafraichiraient les brûlures de mon cœur.

Les vagues roulaient comme pour mieux m’accueuillir, elles grondaient un genre de bienvenue rauque et à demi étouffé, mais mon cœur lui, comprenait le doux chant des sirènes.

« Viens, viens à nous cœur éplorée et déplorée, viens que nous te berçions dans nos bras. Nous te ferons oublier tes soucis et tes chagrins. Nous sommes tes sœurs, ta mère, ta confidente. Nous sommes là pour toi, pour appaiser ta peine. »

J’écoutai ces paroles enchanteresses et mes pas, comme guidés par une force indépendante de ma volonté, dirigeaient bon gré malgré le reste de mon corps vers les vagues qui écumaient de passion dévorante. Elles aussi ont aimé. Elles aussi ont un éternel amour déçu.

L’eau était froide. Presque glaciale contre la chaleur intime de mon corps, mais plus j’avançai, plus un bien être indescriptible me prenait et plus l’envie d’avancer plus loin devenait intensément forte.

Il me sembla que la première vague voulait me repousser vers la plage, mais c’était une petite vague immature, et la seconde, plus grande, plus autoritaire et beaucoup plus forte m’attira avec une telle puissance qu’il me fut impossible à ce moment là de reculer, de faire demi tour. La vague suivante confirma les efforts de la seconde et m’entraîna encore plus loin dans la mer houleuse. Soudain, la plage était loin, et la réalisation des efforts qu’il me faudrait pour nager vers la terre sainte et ferme de mes anciens espoirs me fit paniquer. J’étais en enfer et je ne le réalisai qu’à moitié.

Or, la seule et unique chose à ne pas faire en mer est bel et bien de ne pas paniquer. Le corps reprend le contrôle sur les désespérances du cœur et s’agite comme un poisson dans un fillet … ou plutôt comme un triste poulet jetté à la mer. La peur sauvage s’empare des sens, les bras gesticulent, les yeux se ferment, ils refusent de regarder la triste réalitée en face. Les pieds, comme dans un espace aérien liquide, perdent de leur utilité, habitude de milliers d’années acquises chèrement à marchant sur la terre solide gouvernée par une loie gravitationnelle très différente de celle de la mer.

La bouche s’ouvre, avale de l’eau salée, la recrache aussitôt, trop salée, trop froide. Trop.

Là haut, dans le ciel azur, le soleil brille et aveugle, témoin silencieux, caméraman sans équipe de plateau.
Là en bas, l’actrice principale se noie, les éléments sont contre elle, les vagues l’avalent tout rond et elle est presque foutue.

« Est-ce que tu es folle ? »

Il avait hurlé ça à qulques reprises avant que je ne l’entende.

Au début, il y avait à peine la voix lointaine, à demi étouffé par le grondement des vagues. Puis la voix devint de plus en plus présente et claire.
Contact visuel : c’était un homme, un jeune homme, blond, avec des soupçons de rouille tons pastel, délavé. Tout devient délavé après un contact aussi passioné avec la mer. Il nageait vers moi, comme s’il fonçait sur moi. Il répétait sa question, mais je ne répondais pas. De toute façon c’était clairement une évidence : oui j’étais folle. Est-ce qu’une personne saine d’esprit irait s’offrir une petite trempette dans les eaux furieuses et glaciales de la mer ?

2 – L’homme

Un bras solide et déterminé, pour ne pas dire socialement archarné, s’enroula autour de ma poitrine et une force tout aussi déterminée m’attira contre son corps. Une main d’homme solide trouva position sur ma gorge, sous mon menton et comme d’instinc ou d’expérience, poussa mon visage pour le haut – pour m’empêcher d’avaler trop d’eau salée, ce qui par le fait même me força a recracher la dernière gorgée.
Une jolie quinte de toux digne d’une bonne pneumonie me prit et sur le coup je pensais que mon bon Sammaritain avait fait sa part, féliciations, mais que peut-être il était trop tard de toute façon.

« Respire, gamine! Respire ! »

Gamine ? C’était moi qu’il appelait gamine ? Et de quel droit, Monsieur ? Je n’ai eue qu’une dizaine de seconde pour le regarder mais il n’était pas si vieux, pas plus de quelques années de plus que moi … ou plus jeune avec une maturité et une force tranquille ancienne ancrée dans son être, comme un héritage très ancien et très solide.

Son autre bras, celui qui ne s’archarnait pas à me maintenir à la surface de l’eau, faisait des mouvements rotatifs pour aider le reste de son corps à nager vers la plage. Je pouvais sentir la puissance de ses jambes qui poussaient son corps et un poids presque mort à contre courant, contre les vagues déchaînées, furieuses, froides, pour nous ramener à la terre ferme. Je me sentais totalement idiote.

Le grondement des vagues devint de plus en plus lointain, distant, presque comme un souvenir qu’on perd, qu’importent les efforts pour le garder vif. Et mon corps redevint d’une lourdeur insuportable quand mon sauveur me déposa sur le sable humide et frais, mais bien moins froid quel’eau.

Il s’était penché sur moi, son ombre me protégeait du soleil et sans le dire, j’en étais reconnaissante.

Une main derrière ma nuque me fit lever le menton, et pendant que deux doigts me pinçaient sans ménagement le nez, deux autres doigts tout aussi forts me pinceaient la bouche pour forcer mes lèvres à s’ouvrir.

Mes yeux s’ouvrirent d’un coup, comme sous une impulse électrique.

« Je vais bien. J’en ai pas besoin. »

Une quinte de toux me vint encore et il m’aida à me tourner sur le côté pour recracher le restant d’eau salée que j’avais au fond de la gorge.

« Tu n’en as pas besoin, mais tu ne vas pas bien non plus ! »

Il avait ce genre de voix mi profonde, mi tendre, très rassurant pour un homme, dont les subtilités de la variation dépendaient uniquement du ton et du contenu. Et à ce moment là, je n’étais pas en position de marchander ou de remettre son autorité en question.

Et quand on ne peut remettre en question les paroles d’un homme, on peut encore moins remettre en question ses actions.

Il se releva comme si de rien n’était et me prit avec la même souplesse et force que si je n’étais qu’une enfant en bas age et commença à marcher.

3 – L’eau brûlante

Après les aux froides de la mer, la tropicalité quasi brûlante de sa douche coulait sur ma peau comme une onction bénite. Sa voix résonnait agréablement dans ma tête; « Ne me force à venir te rejoindre. » Sur le coup j’en souris comme une adolescente qui se serait fait draguer par un garçon plus âgé, mais je savais que c’était une menace plaisantine sans fondement, ce n’était pas le genre d’homme à abuser de son statut, de l’autorité et des points d’avance juste parceque l’occasion était lui était donné sur un plateau d’argent.

Le fait qu’il cogna pour s’enquérir de l’eau, de mon état moral et physique ne me surprit donc pas.

« Je t’ai apportée des serviettes et des fringues. Je n’ai que des chemises et des pantalons d’homme … »

Je glissai la porte de verre pour le regarder, mais il me tournait le dos, regardant la porte avec une dévotion digne d’une apparition de la Sainte Vierge. Les vêtements en question étaient posés sur le couvercle descendu de la cuvette de toilette : une chemise à carraux bleu, un pantalon bleu marine sombre, des chaussettes. Pas de sous vêtements.

« Je peux te prêter un de mes caleçons si tu y tiens. »

« J’apprécirais … beaucoup. »

Petit bruit discret de la porte qui s’ouvre et se referme.

L’eau qui coulait sur ma nuque et mon dos, glissait sur les courbes de ma féminité et me fit soudain réaliser, comme une épiphanie : c’était un homme et il était beau.

Je le revoyais dans la mer, sous le soleil, les cheveux qui brillaient, même s’ils étaient mouillés, sa barbe de deux semaines … je me demandais comment ça aurait été de ne pas refuser le bouche à bouche ?

Je me laissai aller contre les tuilles de la douche. Non, c’était idiot tout ça. De toute façon, folie passagère passée, l’embassade me trouvera un hôtel confortable, mes problèmes seront vite reglés et je partirai et je l’oublierai.

C’est fou comme la vie peut vous donner des claques sur la gueule quand on se laisse aller.

4 – L’eau réconfortante

« Je me suis presque suicidée et tu me donnes du sirop contre la toux ? »

« Avec la quantité d’eau froide que tu as avalée, ca ne peut pas te faire de tort. »

Une voix posée, calme, mais autoritaire et bienveillante.

J’ouvrai la bouche, pris le contenu de la cuillière et sitôt la bouche refermée, je sentais la force de sa main contre ma bouche. Le goût était fort, atroce, dégoûtant, piquant, mais avec cette main qui pressait avec une telle fermeté, impossible de recracher. Et ses yeux me regardaient si tendrement … pourquoi ? Pourquoi ses yeux m’encourageaient-ils à aller de l’avant, même si dans le présent très concret c’était vraiment difficile pour ne pas dire épouvantable.

J’avalai finalement, pris une grande respiration par le nez et serrai l’édredon du lit comme si forcer les muscles de mes mains allaient me faire oublier ce goût de rat alcolisé dans ma bouche.

Une autre respiration. Les yeux me piquaient et j’avais envie de pleurer. Il retira doucement sa main mais ne me quitta pas des yeux quand j’eus la grande idée de prendre une goulée d’air frais qui me fait tousser d’avantage. J’avalais encore, ma salive était pourtant plus que teintée de ce goût huileux et pestinentiel.

« C’est quoi cette vacherie que tu m’as donné ? »

« Syrop contre la toux de marin. Tu auras envie de courir un marathon demain. »

Je me laissais aller contre l’oreiller. Demain, c’est demain. Aujourd’hui j’ai envie de mourir.

« Je vais aller te faire du café ou du thé, ça va alléger le goût. »

Mais il ne bougea pas d’un pouce.

« Thé, s’il te plaît. »

Il sourit et se leva.

La chambre était typiquement cette chambre qui hantait ma mémoire et mon imaginaire depuis toujours : la fenêtre à ma gauche, la porte à quelques pas au bout du pied du lit, le mur de droite couvert comme une mosaique tout en relief de textures et de matériaux différents.

La fenêtre en bois, style ancien, avec des rideaux sombres et lourds en velours bleu fond de mer, presque noir, et les rideaux blancs légers, en dentelle travaillée – sûrement faite par des mains patientes et entrainées. J’aurais voulue savoir comment c’était de se réveiller dans ce lit, et regarder vers la fenêtre, comment ce serait d’entendre l’orage au travers de cette fenêtre, comment ce serait d’ouvrir la fenêtre en été pour laisser l’air marin rentrer dans la pièce ?

Une petite porte discrète, presque cachée par le peignoire accroché en soin coin, et que l’œil ne repérait qu’après s’être longuement perdue à regarder par la fenêtre, donnait sur une petite salle de bains privée mais pratique. Presque collé à la porte de cette fameuse salle de bains, la commode, en bois sombre et verni, d’allure officiellement européenne et ancienne, peut-être même un rescapé du siècle dernier, se tenait devant moi, l’allure fière et austère. Sur le sommet de sa tête, une petite télé moderne, à écran plat, lecteur DVD et une chaîne stéréo, les hauts parleurs se dressaient fièrement sur le sol, de chaque côté de la commode, comme des guardes encores plus fiers. Je souris à la vue d’une cravate cloué aux deux extremités du second tiroir et qui servait de corde à linge pour hameçons de différentes tailles et couleurs.

Le mur, de l’autre coté de la porte qui donnait sur le corridor, qui ensuite donnait sur le salon ou la cuisine, était le plus chargé, pour ne pas dire surchargé de décorations. Un énorme poisson verni et empaillé tenait dans sa gueule une chainette en avec un pendentif de croix en fleur de lys, tandis qu’à son aileron dorsale était accrochée une autre chaîne dont le pendentif représentait un petit petit bateau de pêcheur.

« Moi je suis pêcheur d’hommes »

L’homme qui m’avait sauvé de moi même l’était aussi.

Il revenait avec un plateau sur lequel deux tasses à thé et un pot formaient comme la petite communauté du social.

Il s’installa en face de moi, comme pour mieux me garder à l’oeil d’une nouvelle éventuelle bêtise et me tendit l’une des tasses.

5 – Mon Histoire

Il prit une grande cuillière du contenu du pot et la glissa dans ma tasse – du miel. Ohhh, comme la douceur de cet onctueux délice me donnait envie !

Il s’adossa contre la pièce de bois qui formait la tête du lit, se croisa les jambes et demande, de la même manière qu’un HR vous demanderait de lui résumer les points forts de votre carrière, il me demanda les circonstances qui m’ont pour ainsi dire, jetté dans les filets de ses bras.

« Ça va être long. Et ennuyant et très touristique.»

« J’ai pas entendue une bonne histoire depuis la mort de mon père. Éblouis-moi. »
Une première gorgée de thé, comme tout bon conteur se le doit de faire, et j’essayai de trouver le bon moment où commencer mes mésaventures.

« Eh bien, ça a commencé par un voyage de groupe. Nous partageons la photographie comme point commun, et sur un des nombreux forums sur lequel je m’étais éparpillée, un des membres a proposé de faire un voyage en Europe.

L’Europe en tant que tel … est bien merveilleux mais immense et ca m’a pas follement tentée. Et puis une autre femme a proposée de faire plusieurs voyages, par pays. Le processus a commencé par un vote : quelle région de l’Europe, puis quel pays. Le premier voyage était évidement en Italie. Vingt personnes ont formé le premier groupe. Succès total et incontestable. Trois mois plus tard, la Pologne a conquis un second groupe.

Et finalement, au septième tour, la Bretagne. »

« Old Lucky Seven. Et tu crois que ça t’a portée chance ? »

Un professeur d’université n’aurait pas mieux formulé la phrase, mieux modulé sa voix que lui, entre deux gorgées silencieuses.

Je souris avant de reprendre.

« J’ai assistée à un concert d’un groupe local dans un pub, j’ai mangée plus de poisson en une semaine que durant la totalité de ma vie – et ça c’est un miracle en soi – j’ai vue la mer ! »

Ton extatique malgré moi, les vagues, le bruit, la force de l’eau en mouvement, le ciel, les oiseaux. Je fermai les yeux pour mieux savourer le souvenir de cette première rencontre. C’est comme rencontrer une idole, on se sent en pamoîson, prêt à déclarer n’importe quelle imbécibilité romantique mais soudain, là, devant l’idole, on est à bout de mots. Rien ne sort. Que l’air salin qui rentre à plein régime par les narines, la bouche, par tous les pores de la peau.

Il but plus de thé. Je me demandai s’il avait envie de rajouter un commentaire, mais il ne dit rien. Pas la peine de tourner le couteau dans la plaie.
« Et puis vendredi après-midi est venu, comme un traître. La fin du rêve. Le voyage du retour. L’adieu. L’avion partait … il est parti ce matin, vers les 6 heures. Et je n’y étais pas.

« Et ton groupe ? »

« La majorité, si. Il y avait un groupuscule de moutons noirs dans le groupe. Deux autres Québecois, un Berbère, et moi. »

Commentaire tue, j’en étais certaine. Il but trois longues gorgées de thé.

« Nous avons décidé de passer la soirée dans un pub du coin, pour ne pas gâcher ces quelques heures dans notre hôtel. Nous voulions profiter au maximum de cette opportunité. »

À mon tour de prendre une longue gorgée de thé, pour mieux revivre les évenements

à suivre