Already since the beginning of February I had this lingering rumor running around my family.
My sister wanted my niece to meet my grand mother on my mother's side - aka - my niece's Great-Grand-Mother. As simple as this sounds, it's a very cute - the littlest lady of the family meeting the oldest. 4 generations of women gathered in a photo - I dream of shooting that actually.
Last week, the rumor became a little more tangible. Last week end, just before leaving for the south for vacations, my sister was on the phone with mom about our own familial vacations back in our village. I thought - oh, one week, two at worst - I can live with that.
Today, we had a gathering for a triple birthday and a welcome back from the south where my sister, brother in law and niece spent a week of vacations. We talked about the home village vacations again. And all of a sudden, it became a longer project. A month long project !
My heart about half broke when I learned that.
My first thought went to the fact that I love my job, but I am only on a contract through an agency. What are my guarantees - my safe grounds - my future, my projects ? Do I ... say good bye and move on, concentrate on my photography career ? Do I take this opportunity to try to have great shots and try to publish a book and launch my potential ?
I love my team - I love the people around me, our little habits we developed, the tight links, bonding we created with time, the chemistry among us.
But about the same time, I really feel like dying inside since I am deprived of time to photography and arts. I am an artist - I need that like people need ... what ever they most strongly strive for.
I am ... with conflicted emotions but not that afraid it seems. I see this as an opportunity to take my flight and see what happens.
On the practical side I only worry about money, stable source of income. I have of course savings but one can never know for sure and predict the future.
I still need to analyze my emotions and see what I really want.