Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Looking for Myself - Part 2

My brain is a total bitch.

Here I am at 11:00PM, right out of a nice 2 hours of Low Theta 4Hz brain waves mixed with 2 types of rains, thunder and waves, and at my mini laptop typing away because my brain has genius ideas that makes my heart pound with excitement and keep me from sleeping.

I think it began with this new hope for a job. Mom found something in the free newspaper about making ribbons and chocolate boxes, and I have decided to go there tomorrow to check it out and all of a sudden, it's as if ... something rose up again in me; I want that job. In my prayer, I even asked God, to throw me the ladder because I was ready to get out of my well. (It's an old analogy a theology student has shared with me in high school). And, fact is, I am. I am ready to climb out if this chance is given to me. I want to move on, get projects going on, do stuff. And as odd as this may seem, other things in my life been sort of ... like champagne's bubbles bursting into life, which usually happens before a new step of my life is about to begin. I am always more inspired to draw when I am about to go back to school for example.

The last 2 weeks before the end of vacations are the ones where I can draw the most of my sketch book's content! It's almost as if something deep inside of me knew that change was coming ahead. As silly as this might seem, here is a concrete example of the recent past. We came back from vacation from my hometown village in Romania and i had no inspiration and no will what so ever to draw, even less my trademark illustrations and doodles. Part of the reason was the constant presence of Mom around me, sipping away all my energy and will and inspiration, as if I was conditioned to be a mopping half dead potato.

But then, one week before she'd get a phone call from her job that there were orders and she was being needed again, I bloomed like a volcano's wake up. I doodled my stuff, finally uncovered a character I had in mind since over 2 years without really figuring her out on paper, created a whole new one, and been doodling random jokes with my character like there was no tomorrow, even offering myself the luxury of sketching some iconic figures from the 50's. All this happened precisely one week before Mom got her call back and in the following week! How did I knew that it would happen ? (Because i am at my best when i am alone, i work better, i draw better, i have better mood).

Yesterday I was out in downtown and because of a fuck-up and the inability to successfully achieve my errands, i was randomly walking in the Eaton Center and got into this natural products store and got myself a 62$ value 2 bottle "slim down/help with your diet/appetite" kit which I started today and for once I find it efficient. (Of course I didn't quite followed the prescription way of taking it but what the hell, it works!) I also skipped my feta cheesed omelet for a healthy bowl of rice. I did cheat and added 2 hot dogs, and i had a bit of feta in the afternoon, but over all, it seems that this time i might just succeed with my goals.

This new regime triggered the inspiration of a another project which i been pushing off since a couple of years since i never had the perfect - accordingly to my personal taste - template to get it carried out fully.

I want to tattoo 2 names on the sides of my belly and i need a flat tummy for that, for the end result to look as gorgeous as i envision it. And the whole process of the tattooing is like the treat, the winning prize at the end of the challenge. Of course these tattoos are carefully thought out and they hide a secret meaning which came to me in it's full understatement not so long ago, so I am fully aware and wanting this specific tattoo in the way i have designed it. I can always add on details to it - which is also a small detail of why I am currently up and typing.

I was in bed trying to fall asleep, imagining myself at the tattoo shop which i chose where it should be done, i was seeing the guy doing it, and i was seeing the result on paper, us discussing it, and as I was imagining all this, I kept adding significant details to the two parts of the tattoo which excited me even more and thus woke me, instead of making me sleep!

And then I tried to have a "bed time" story that usually makes me fall asleep, because the context of the story has both the image of sleeping and with the fine details makes me want to sleep, but this time, it sort of got carried away and got more adventurous and more brain working than brain tiring!

Then I just kept thinking of the possibilities of me having that new job, the money income wouldn't hurt my bank account and I could shop that new bigger laptop more at ease with my consciousness than now - as i am just sort of shopping and not getting any income of any sort since April (since I quit my last job because i was going mentally nuts).

I also thought of the Christmas presents. Of course, my niece is the first person that comes to mind when I think of Christmas shopping. She's a cute little child and I have a heart and a mind of a child, so she's pretty clear to figure out : If I melt and want something, it's about a 100% chances that she would like it too!

And then a sort of a crazy idea came to me. I imagined myself getting 2 beanie plush, same animal, same size, because one would go for my own child and one for her, so that there wouldn't be any jealousy among the two.

The question is, or the odd factor is, I don't think I'm yet ready for that.

My mind has been sort of pushing the kid idea once in a while, on a daily occasion and I sort of can imagine myself with one, but my rational side only thinks of the negative aspects and i just can't come by that!

Which reminds me of the momentum i imagined of me and the tattoo guy in the shop discussing of the thing before he'd get to work and that whole "no sex" for 8 months and so on and I imagined the following as a pretty close to reality explanation why I wouldn't give a rat's ass about no sex for 8 months.

I was telling that man in my imagination, the real dream i had 2 nights ago.

Dream of the 5th September 2011

I was in a white corridor and at it's end was a room in which a man in a white hospital uniform was there, but I knew he was a patient and even though he was calling for me, I ran away, afraid of him. I felt he had a mental condition and I didn't want to go close.

On my way running to the opposite direction, I turned a corner and saw this little Asian girl who was afraid too and was looking for someone, or just flat out help, so I picked her up and she guided me into a bigger room where there were real Hospital staff people, beds and other patients. I sat down at a cafeteria table's bench seat, with the little girl next to me, and this Asian young man came to talk with me. We got along right after we introduced each other and we were looking at the screen of an electronic tablet. He was showing me information that i wanted to know, because i was really interested in it. At the same time, I took the little girl on my knees, because she was curious too, to show her the animations and the information on the screen. The young man touched my finger tips and this incredible delicious electricity sparked between his fingers and mine. As he was crossing his fingers with mine, the electricity became stronger and warmer and it was just an incredibly arousing yet fulfilling sensation at the same time.

In the next scene, we were in another room, I was on one side of the counter, he was on the other, I was fiddling with a pink very thin gadget-y camera, took his shot, but he got worried and i erased it and then i found the magazine. I opened it and on a page, left side, somewhat near the beginning, I saw a full page of a beardy man in his mid 30's. Tall, strong, wheat blond with tints of rust in his hair and beard, sharp blue eyes - he was smiling and I thought his teeth were a bit too long and i had that classic Red Riding Hood phrase in my head about them. He was wearing the dark navy blue short sleeved uniform of a doctor, arms crossed on the chest, confident smile. So I asked the Asian man if he knew him (the man in the magazine), to which he replied yes, and I asked if he knew how to get in contact with him and he also knew! That man was my quest, in a way, my goal.

And now, to come back to my bed time story moment with the Tattoo guy - I imagined myself asking him to press his fingers against mine, crossing his fingers with mine and nothing would happen and i would explain him my dream and how reality was fade compared to them, and so, that is why i wouldn't miss anything during 8 months. Humans simply are boring and ... not as energetically powerful as dreams, and I have lost interest in the real ones since too long. I am probably asking too much, but I want a man who feels electric, intense at the slightest contact, and yet calm and strong inside as a cathedral, without necessarily looking like that outside - i want a man who's aura shine through, and impressions make statements.

And it's 10 minutes to midnight and I feel more awake and energized than how i was at 9 this morning.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Looking for Myself - Part 1

Saturday night, we have a heat wave over Montreal and I fight it back with my newest sound application on my iPod Touch.

I been thinking over things as of late and some conclusions came to me. When you take the time to think, you take the time to ask the right questions and the answers naturally come to you, as if given by your secret help.

I have dealt with chronic depression most of my life time, starting off real young, having suicidal thoughts and such and I only realize now, the reason for all that time lost in despair.

As a kid I, like most of them, I had dreams, aspirations and goals. I wanted to be a detective. Since I am 8 years old i am fascinated and captivated by the police or law enforcement world, especially detectives who find out the truth through the small clues left behind.

I have been gathering the clues scattered around my life and i am putting together the pieces of the puzzle that is my life.

I have abandoned my dream of a cop, a detective, a police agent, because mom was too afraid for me and my sis - and she still is. My sister wanted to follow the same career, she is now a married woman, a house wife, who spent some considerable years at a beauty products company as a customer service agent on the phone. I have done computer graphics and designs to please dad and he thought i would liked that - and in fact i did, but there was no job opportunities when i finished, and medical archives to please mom who always seen me safe and sound in a hospital doing paper work. I never worked with all that my title as a medical archivist entitles. I merely did clerical work in a private clinic where i thought I'd go mad after the first day and where each day was basically spent dreaming of running away, taking a train to Halifax and forget about myself and my lousy life.

Then I got this job at the small airline company and everything was fine and dandy until we got in the low season at the beginning of the year, up until spring and I thought I'd go mad because basically i had nothing to do. I loved that office, i loved my team, even if i barely spoke with my team leader and felt like a complete useless alien, i did love some aspects - like the location of the office, the exotic of the clientèle, and some other little details, but the burden was becoming too big.

I was unease with myself, with my life and i couldn't pinpoint the key factor. I felt miserable and like a failure, to come to my age without nothing that i had thought was what shaped a life, when i was a little kid. No career, no husband, no house, no pet, not kid.

And i realized, today, that i didn't knew who in fact i was.The detective dream which died left me empty, like a puppet that others manipulated to see their dreams come true through me. I became, by unconscious will or by accident, the chameleon which took the color of their dreams and complied with ease and a smile even.

The bad side of that, is that i made choices which didn't fit my ideals; which contradicted the life style i wanted to have. Being stuck in an office doing repetitive work can soothe me in the sense that i love routine, but it cannot shape my goals and satisfy me in the longer run of things.

I always dreamed of making a difference. In my dreams at night i was always a SWAT type of person, or cop, barging in on miserable poor apartments to free the hostages from the local armed wacko. I saved kids from all sorts of villains. I wanted to become that hero, that cop. It gave my life a sense. Specifically a sense of accomplishment, but overall, a sense of doing the right thing. At 8 years old, i wanted to be a super hero like Superman, Batman and all those. I wanted to save the world. With time, that dream sort of faded away and i thought i died.

And i became the puppet of my parents.

I realize now i was wrong. I wasted my life, my youth, my opportunities of becoming the person i wanted to become.

I often dreamed of joining the army, but there is something about getting up at 5am to clean boots that doesn't come by me. Nor the idea of making my bed, nor the fact that i have to blindly obey a superior. What i love about the army is the training and the missions, saving lives, making a country live better, helping the people in need. I can do that without the army, if i find the right NGO (Non-Governmental-Organization) which i still have some faith left, i will one day.

I would like to travel to those other foreign countries where ppl have real values still in 2011. Where families, friends and good neighborhood-ing are essential every day life questions. I would like to teach poor kids English, so that they'd have a chance in their future. I know I would be a good teacher, I have an ease to share my knowledge with easy simple down to earth communicative ways. I dreamed of teaching my mother tongue, Hungarian, to local Québecois people here - teaching English to Filipino or Vietnamese would be about the same, except, with a purpose and a helping outcome in the future.

I would like to have a simple life, like a monk, with a few essential things and maybe a few hobbies, but not be bothered by money, power and fame questions like everyone in North American seems to be concerned. I don't want a condo downtown. I don't want the year's touch-and-park-alone-bio-electric car. I'll be honestly happy with my Rapunzel doll, my laptop and my iPod watching the rain fall down for weeks.

I want to feel useful and know that i have made a difference in the life of someone, or some people. I want to help get their hopes stronger and shine brighter in the face of adversity! I don't want medals or recognition, i just want to act upon what i have and what i can do to help those who don't have much of a choice in life. Their success would my ultimate thank you, the only recognition and medal i would accept.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Rapunzel - Grimm versus Disney

A Comparison

The Elements

plant - the source of the plot
  • Grimm : Rapunzel plant kept in the garden of the witch, in a first version forbidden of access, in a later edition, surrounded by a wall
  • Disney : a magic golden flower that originates from the sun (in Disney, light becomes quite an important character)

the witch
  • Grimm : a Fairy in the first version, an Enchantress, Witch in the later versions.
  • Disney : Mother Gothel, a witch who knows how to use the full power of the magic flower to keep herself young through centuries - she is given the motherly figure and even has some credibility in that role. Mother Gothel is a generic German name who designates a woman which serves as a god mother - usually a fairy god mother, in this case the evil one.
the parents
  • Grimm : poor peasants living in the land, country, kingdom
  • Disney : King and Queen of the said kingdom who prospered a few miles away from where Mother Gothel originally lives
the child
  • Grimm : the child was promised to the Witch, in exchange of the plant, when the Witch discovers the husband stealing at night. In the earlier version, the Witch actually gives her the name of Rapunzel
  • Disney : she is stolen by Mother Gothel from her crib from the castle, at night
the prince
  • Grimm : the prince who owns the lands surrounding the tower - in some earlier versions, he is a young king
  • Disney : a commoner, orphan and wanted thief - Flynn Ryder
The actions - the Facts

The pregnant woman craves the plant
  • Grimm : the pregnant wife sees the plant and craves for it
  • Disney : the pregnant queen falls ill and their only hope is a magic plant
The Husband gets the plant
  • Grimm : the loving husband goes into the forbidden yard to steal the rapunzel plant at night for her wife
  • Disney : the King sends his army and I suspect the people volunteered (to make it a lovey dovey aspect and fairy tale type care for the queen) go seek the magic flower.
Husband gets the plant
  • Grimm : the husband steals the plant from the forbidden yard 3 times. He is caught the third time by the witch - and has to promise his unborn child in order to save his life and get the plant back to his wife
  • Disney : the King's men find the plant, after Mother Gothel who accidentally reveals it by pushing back the cage which is hiding it. There is no interaction between the King and the Witch
The pregnant woman eats the plant/gives birth
  • Grimm : the woman eats the plant - feels her craving satisfied and gives birth to her child
  • Disney : the ill Queen drinks a beverage made with the golden flower, heals and gives birth to a healthy baby girl
The Witch claims her prize
  • Grimm : the witch comes back and reminds the husband his promise. The pour couple has no choice and the witch names and takes the child to be raised like her own in a remote and inaccessible tower
  • Disney : Mother Gothel comes to the castle and first actually tries to only take what she wants - the hair, in which she knows the magic lies - but once the hair is cut, the magic is no longer in it - it's faded - so she steals the child. (The child must be alive, her hair must grow and never be cut for the magic to operate)
Rapunzel's teenage years
  • Grimm : in the original tale, Rapunzel is only locked in the tower after she turns twelve years old - just before teenage hood. So we presume she lived in the house of the fairy before that - having her natural parents as neighbors!
  • Disney : the child is stolen one night and lives from that moment on in the tower, under the care of Mother Gothel
The Tower - Rapunzel's imprisonment
  • Grimm : Rapunzel is locked in a "high tower that had neither a door nor a stairway, but only a tiny little window at the very top."
  • Disney : Now here the team behind the story got a good step ahead and logical too. They actually respected everything, even the hook above the window - which is also mentioned in the original tale, but they did include a hidden door and a stairway, because against all common logic - how can the witch come and go feed the child when she is so young and is physically too weak to pull up her mother with her hair ? Of course, as a fairy tale, you'd expect the witch to fly or just "appear" but since Disney gave Mother Gothel a more human than witch aspect - they had to respect that - and it gives her more credibility. You can imagine that she used the stairway and the secret door when Rapunzel was a child, strengthening the forbidden aspect of going out, scaring the child with the outside world, and with time developed the window and the used the full potential of the length of the hair.
Rapunzel's hair
  • Grimm : "Rapunzel had splendid hair, as fine as spun gold." In classic fairy tales, golden hair is a sign of royalty and fairness, princesses usually have golden like the sun hair.
  • Disney : she has golden hair that glows when the song unlocking the magic is sang - usually by her god mother who uses the magic to keep herself young. She uses it to guide herself and Flynn out of a cave full of water and to heal a wound in his left hand.
Let down your hair
  • Grimm : "Rapunzel, Rapunzel!
    Let down your hair to me."
  • Disney : "Rapunzel!
    Let down your hair!" and Disney script people were clever enough to play on humor and add lines such as "Rapunzel, I'm not getting any younger down here." to emphasize about her worry, impatience, to joke about her age - because that is the reason why she has stolen and keeps Rapunzel prisoner - to keep herself young (in appearance).
Up the tower - the trick
  • Grimm : "When the fairy called out, she untied it, wound it around a window hook, let it fall twenty yards to the ground, and the fairy climbed up it."
  • Disney : In the movie, she loops her hair in that little hook above the window, lets down the length of the hair, Gothel folds it, put a foot in and Rapunzel does the pulling act.
In Comes the prince
  • Grimm : the Prince comes around randomly one day on his horse, and hears Rapunzel sing and enchanted by the beauty of her voice and music, falls in instantly in love
  • Disney : Flynn Ryder has just stolen the princess' crown from a guarded room in the castle and ran away with two thieve brothers. He escapes the royal guards and finds the tower, climbs to be in safety and out of sight.
First meeting of the protagonists
  • Grimm : in the tale, the prince hears Rapunzel but has no clue how to get inside the tower. He actually even falls into a despair because he is in love, but her aim is out of reach. He comes every day in the forest to listen and one day he discovers how the witch is getting access to the girl in the tower.
  • Disney : Flynn climbs the tower aided by two arrows that were originally shot at him by the royal guards, and first thing he does is take out the crown from his satchel to admire his prize. The light is dim, Rapunzel comes from behind and K.O.'s him from behind with her frying pan.
Relationship between the protagonists
  • Grimm : At first, Rapunzel is frightened but soon comes to like the young man. In the tale, they meet every night and with time, he even asks her to be his wife. Since in the tale, she also gets pregnant and has children, and since it cannot be out of wedlock, the wedding between the two is primordial importance.
  • Disney : She is scared - she has never seen a man before - but she takes hold of herself, checks him up - accordingly to what her mother used to scared her off with ( men with pointy teeth ) and reassured, closes him up in the closet. There is no love story in the air yet!
Mother Gothel discovers the young man's existence
  • Grimm : Rapunzel does get pregnant and innocently asks her god mother why all of a sudden her clothes are too tight for her. In later versions, she lets out the secret by asking the witch, why she is so much heavier than the young prince
  • Disney : There is no such thing as the ... future "in laws" meeting or let alone know the existence of each other. Rapunzel does not tell Flynn about her life in the tower - he only gets bits and pieces when she goes through emotional breakdown once out and free. She is delighted with her freedom in one moment, and tortured with agony of what could happen to her mother in the next one. She feels guilty of the heart break that her escape and running away would cause her mother - which she still loves dearly. The mother and the tower are in fact taboo subjects which Flynn is not invited to openly discuss with the girl just yet.
Gothel discovers the betrayal of Rapunzel
  • Grimm : The witch is scandalized and outraged that Rapunzel is pregnant - she is deceived in the sense of a treason. She wanted to keep Rapunzel for herself only and the sharing of the girl with a man, and worse, letting her go live happily with another person, is unthinkable of.
  • Disney : Gothel comes home after a fight with Rapunzel - a classic mother and daughter fight about a permission to go out, see an event - in the movie, the lanterns which are lifted in the skies on the night of her birthday. Gothel doesn't want Rapunzel to go out of the tower at any cost because she might never come back, thus her access to the golden magic flower is threatened and so is her "eternal youth". But with the coming of Flynn, Rapunzel escapes to fulfill her dream of seeing the lanterns. The stolen crown is lit by a little ray of sunlight and Gothel wrongly believes that Rapunzel has discovered that she is lost princess.
A good big sequence and plot only belongs to Disney between the discover of the betrayal and the cutting of the hair, but that is part of the magic of Disney and give a character to Rapunzel. She is not a passive princess like the first few ones (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty). Rapunzel is one of the best new type of princesses taking part of the action, conquering her fears and winning her freedom. (In this category we can also count Ariel the Little Mermaid, Jasmine from Aladdin, and somewhat Belle from Beauty and the Beast from the classical tales - who also take a good part in the plot and tackle adventure to get what they want. They all more or less defy parental authority and actively take part in the conquering of their respective prince.)

Rapunzel's hair is cut
  • Grimm : out of rage and vengeance, the witch cuts Rapunzel's hair to craft a trap for the prince.
  • Disney : Flynn, who was stabbed by Gothel, cuts Rapunzel's hair with a piece of broken mirror at his hand's reach, to put an end to the girl's imprisonment - having understood that the magic lies in the hair and if cut, the magic is gone. Rapunzel had explained to Flynn how, once the hair is cut, it turns brown - and her magic hair is the reason of herself being kept in the tower by Gothel
The ending plot
  • Grimm : "Then she sent Rapunzel into a wilderness where she suffered greatly and where, after a time, she gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl." Remember, she gets pregnant by the young prince. The witch also ties the cut hair to the hook, lets it down when the prince calls out for Rapunzel. He falls into the trap and in despair falls from the tower. He miraculously lives but looses his eyesight. In later versions, it's explained that he fell in a bush of thorns which pierced his eyes out. He also is sent in an errand for many years before he finds Rapunzel, some years later and recognizing her voice, walks to her. "Two of her tears fell into his eyes, and they became clear once again, and he could see as well as before."
  • Disney : Flynn is wounded by Gothel who stabbed his side (we imagine a deep wound in the back, or side - touching a vital organ, most probably the liver). He is about to die and Rapunzel makes a deal with Gothel: she promises to go away with her and stay with her for ever if in counter part, Gothel lets her heal Flynn. Flynn takes that occasion to take Rapunzel's face in his hand, to mimic a kiss but uses his other hand to cut off her hair, thus, freeing her. Gothel panics, freaks, but it's too late. Flynn sighs his last breath and dies. Rapunzel, who is sincerely afflicted cries over him and one tear - which held the last drop of magic from the golden flower is absorbed into his cheek and brings him back to life.
The End
  • Grimm : the tale finishes when the prince stumbles on Rapunzel and her two children, who live miserably in the woods.
  • Disney : being a classical Disney movie, the tale ends with all things good and fairy tale-ish. Rapunzel is returned to her parents, the King and Queen and the movie ends with celebration - we are also let known that the couple formed by Rapunzel and Flynn do get married and Flynn quits thieving and goes back to his original and true self, with this real name.

The cute little German rooted things you might have skipped in the movie.

Rapunzel obviously is German word for the plant which gave the girl

Gesundheit. Flynn greets a "god bless you" when Rapunzel tells him her name, he jokes that it sounds like a sneeze

Mother Gothel is the original German name for god mother

Helping Sources :

The two earliest versions of the tale - 1812 and 1857

Disney Movie Script

Disney Tangled preview on youtube *

* you may have some earlier versions of the movie from which the disclosed scenes were actually cut from the final edition - don't be surprised if you don't see such classic scenes as Flynn calling Rapunzel to let down her hair missing in the final movie.

Monday, May 02, 2011

So ... I got a Bike.

I don't know how to start this one. So many things run in my mind.

So let me recall how this adventure started.

In the concrete facts, it did in Ireland, county Claire, village Doolin. That place gave me such a wild urge to bike ! It has ... not breathtaking a la ouh lala sort of landscapes, but it has another type of inviting, reassuring, making you want to explore and wander around to see every bit again and again and again. We spent 2 days there I could have spent my life, honestly. On the second day, we walked up to the hills, to go see the Cliffs of Moher, and a couple of cyclists past us by; that game me the initial notch - the spark - the desire to ride a bike.

I came back, and time past and things happened and I never got around to have the time, the occasion and the last little push that I needed to get a bike and get back into it. I did bike when I was a kid, back home in my village I had a tricycle ( and I fell from my grandma's little bridge in front of the house and had my first broken wrist) at 4 or 5, then I rode a bike at 7 in Bucharest at this lady's house where my mom and sis and I spent the night before the flight (it was a family with 2 boys ...) and so the boys and my sis played around with the bike, then it was my turn and I ended up in the fountain with the ducks. After that, I got a bike 2 years later, or maybe even more ... I know I was in grade school, my bike was pink and white and of course I learned how to ride it in the Jarry Parc. We used to go all three of us, mom, sis and I. Near the end, when I was like 12, my sister and I even rode all the way from home to the park on quiet empty long streets. But I never could bring myself to use the breaks. I just let the bike slow down naturally or I used my feet, rubbing them against the ground and using the bottom part until a hole was created. Yes, I did that to a couple of pairs of shoes.

And then came high school, and I had my accident and I never rode a bike ever again. And today I'm 27, going 28 this summer and voila. I got back on one !

I was leading up to getting one sooner or later. I checked Canadian Tire store web page for the bikes, I checked Costco too. I think that is the kick part. Costco is so close to me, the bikes are there, it could have been such a easy purchase !

But I got a better deal.

I was chatting with a girlfriend of mine from a previous job and this biking subject came into the chat and she said that she wasn't using hers, even thought it's a new barely used one. She lives close to the work so, no real need for travel and she has other hobbies for the week end. I was sold. Or rather, the bike got himself a new owner.

Things got arranged and last Saturday I was at her place to get it :D

When I said I had a super neat of a deal; store's half price for this bike, with 3 chains, gloves, helmet, bags for the back part, and a pump for the wheels !

Instant love. It feels rough, masculine, strong, it's a hybrid mountain-city bike, I would associate it in my head to a northern country horse with strong build, thick legs and lot of fur - lol.

Of course I chickened out about riding it back home ! I did perhaps maybe ... 30cms on it before I used the breaks for the first time ever and avoided bumping into a parked car, but, no, I was definitely not ready for a full ride on busy sidewalks, loaded with people, streets loaded with cars!

I haven't touched a bike since 15 years ! I was not ready for such a huge step, so soon. So I walked it home. Walk, walk, walk, metro, and more walking. But we eventually got home safe and sound.

Just to see it attached to the fence, waiting for me, being there, ready, available made my desire and will to ride it even stronger. I have been craving this for over a year consciously and God knows how many more time unconsciously ! And over the top incredible big step for me, I used the breaks ! that is so huge for me, it's comparable to a lot of "big deal" issues out there.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Rapunzel, let down your hair

Today, I had arranged my hair in a way that it was "up done" but falling down on both sides, touching my shoulders bu leaving the back of my neck open. And for some odd reason, I looked ... oddly cuter than last week, or how I usually do when I have my hair in a tight bun...

My change of looks didn't go unnoticed. A colleague from another department, who was around ours to discuss work with one of my teammates, noticed the change of hair style and commented, in a half kidding, half like a woman knowing when another is changing her appearance to get someone's attention, which I denied of course. Today, I just felt like changing my hair, I felt simply less stressed and less office professional ( the tight bun means office girl in a serious context ).

The colleague came over to my neighbor and my own desk and insisted I'd tell who's attention I was trying to get. I denied it again, because, in fact I just wanted to start a casual Monday. Usually, my clothing and my hair determines how I feel and what are my intentions, if I want to please someone else, be socially fitting in or simply just doing myself a favor.

So, it came down to a sort of logical elimination of possible candidates, calculated on my behavior. Since, I did that new hair style today, it had to be to impress a new-comer to the office. D. Which is absolutely false, since that young man looks too childish, too tall, too built and too ... simply not inspiring one bit ! And most of all, how can I love a man whom I never see, don't work with, have no chance on stumbling on in my normal routine ?

I shared a random honest comment, from the first and only time where I had seen that man, he seemed too fat for me. My desk neighbor didn't understood well, and he asked if another man in the office - who is fairly new but not the newest - is too fat - which nearly killed me of laughter ! The first woman brought back the topic in line and in between two laughs, I tried to look normal at the mention of that one - who might actually be inspiring me.

C-2, who is the second newest, in our department is completely out of the range of possibilities - being fiancé and getting married later this year, end of summer.

C-1 ...

I had a dream with him, I was happy with him, we were sharing a house or an apartment, I remember the view on the back yard with summer light and I was happy. He was holding me in his arms, but when he turned me around to kiss me, I told that I was not ready and I woke up.

And now, since a week or so, it seems that a new filter has been overlaying my eyes - my sight. I am seeing him as a charming handsome young man, on top of the already acquired good understanding we have at the office, a sort of casual friendship with small chats, laughs and little moments stolen here and there.

I still don't know for sure if I am ready.

And, at best, it will be like all others. One way ... interest.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Going back to my roots

Already since the beginning of February I had this lingering rumor running around my family.

My sister wanted my niece to meet my grand mother on my mother's side - aka - my niece's Great-Grand-Mother. As simple as this sounds, it's a very cute - the littlest lady of the family meeting the oldest. 4 generations of women gathered in a photo - I dream of shooting that actually.

Last week, the rumor became a little more tangible. Last week end, just before leaving for the south for vacations, my sister was on the phone with mom about our own familial vacations back in our village. I thought - oh, one week, two at worst - I can live with that.

Today, we had a gathering for a triple birthday and a welcome back from the south where my sister, brother in law and niece spent a week of vacations. We talked about the home village vacations again. And all of a sudden, it became a longer project. A month long project !

My heart about half broke when I learned that.

My first thought went to the fact that I love my job, but I am only on a contract through an agency. What are my guarantees - my safe grounds - my future, my projects ? Do I ... say good bye and move on, concentrate on my photography career ? Do I take this opportunity to try to have great shots and try to publish a book and launch my potential ?

I love my team - I love the people around me, our little habits we developed, the tight links, bonding we created with time, the chemistry among us.

But about the same time, I really feel like dying inside since I am deprived of time to photography and arts. I am an artist - I need that like people need ... what ever they most strongly strive for.

I am ... with conflicted emotions but not that afraid it seems. I see this as an opportunity to take my flight and see what happens.

On the practical side I only worry about money, stable source of income. I have of course savings but one can never know for sure and predict the future.

I still need to analyze my emotions and see what I really want.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Numerology - Life path of a 9

"What does a Life Path number of 9 mean?"
Emilia, you are the philanthropist, humanitarian, socially conscious, and are deeply concerned about the state of the world.

You have great compassion and idealism.

You are a utopian, and will spend your life trying to realize some aspect of your utopian dream, sacrificing money, time, and energy for a better world. It is in giving that you will find much satisfaction.

You have a broad outlook on life. You tend to see the big picture, rather than the minute details. You naturally attract people from all walks of life who can fit into your larger plans and take over the areas you find uninteresting. The person with a 9 Life Path is rarely prejudiced or accepts social biases of people. Instead, they evaluate people on the basis of what they can do for the larger cause. They are the true egalitarian.
Emilia, you are imaginative and creative, especially at harmoniously arranging the beauty already potential in the environment. These abilities can lead you into such fields as interior decorating, landscape art, and photography. But because of your strong social consciousness, you can be an effective politician, lawyer, judge, minister, teacher, healer, and environmentalist. Vocations that require self- sacrifice and have a clear social impact are common among 9s.

You are often disappointed by the realities of life: the shortcomings of others, or of yourself. Somehow, you don't want to accept the imperfections of the world, a feeling that drives you constantly to try to improve upon it. But rather than be satisfied with your efforts, and those of others, you relentlessly push on, striving for greater accomplishments.

You are often unsatisfied with the results. In short, you lack the perspective that would otherwise make it possible for you to enjoy life more fully, and accept its natural limitations. You have a controlled enthusiasm and the ability to finish what you start.

A key to your personality is the necessity of sacrifice. You have to learn to let go of material possessions and relationships, the inherent lesson being that holding on too tightly to anything causes pain.

Money comes to you through mysterious or unexpected ways: inheritance; the benevolence of someone who was inspired by your work; or a lucky investment. onversely, if you pursue money for its own sake, after giving up on your larger dreams, you're likely to find yourself empty handed.

The most successful and satisfying road for a nine is giving; sharing and sacrificing for a larger goal, without expecting anything in return. Emilia, your greatest chance at success is to tie your personal fortunes to an endeavor that makes the world a better place for others. Very often, this turns into a highly successful and lucrative enterprise, providing amply for you and your family. Your life rests on the axiom that the more you give, the bigger your reward.

You are romantic, but your love is more impersonal. You tend to be focused on your dreams.
When you are not in harmony with your true nature, you can fall to moodiness, or become aloof, and withdrawn. You can become timid, uncertain, and ungrateful, putting the blame for your troubles on others or the world.

You have a gift for examining your life objectively, and at some distance. Be honest with yourself. By openly facing your shortcomings, as well as your strengths, you develop equilibrium. You are thus able to love and better understand yourself and all of life.

source :

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

To come home to this

I came home five minutes past 5pm to yet another night of familial despair or dismay.

I had asked my father his HMV store card because I wanted to buy the Ice Road Truckers DVD series from History Channel. I was planning on going in on Thursday, but since he is not working at the moment, he went to the mall and got it for me yesterday ( Tuesday ). I said I would repay him back. I had already money taken out - good thing.

What bugs me is his attitude. He's an alcoholic since God knows when ( and he is turning 60 this year, meaning he has been drinking since close to 20 years, or 30 if I want to be idealistic and optimistic : half his life ! ) and obviously he has been drinking today too ! He had to quiet it down during December's end and January's first 2 weeks because mom wasn't working and she was home - so he didn't quite have the freedom to drink a bottle a day like he can normally. So, yesterday he drank and forgot to turn on the heating in my room, today the same. But, before, it was always fine and warm and heat taken care of for when I would come back from work. He is home ALL day - would it kill him to turn on the heating one little hour before he knows I get home ?

So, I come in the apartment, shout ( in Hungarian ) "It's only me." He was in the bathroom, but heard me pretty damn well, but still had to loudly ask "Is that you Emi ?" ( I find this kind of ... thing dull, redundant and moronic ! I just fuckin' stated it was me. )

He goes on about the fact he bought my DVDs and they are in my room - I am not that idiot, I have seen them on the corner of my furniture piece and the bill too.

I get out the money of my wallet - 80$ in 20$ bills and a 5$ bill to reach 85$, but I say that if he has change for a 20$ - I have one more to reach the agreed amount of 95$ for the 3 DVD series.

Instead of just plain and simple take the money, give me the change and move on, he took a whole half an hour rambling about honesty, counting over and over the bills, throwing them on the living room coffee table like a professional mafioso man, throwing 2$ coins along side his 5$ bill in the same fashion and rambling on and on and on about the agreement of that amount of my DVDs and the bill and the total and ... I was keeping calm, but I was totally fed up and annoyed. I mean, for fuck's sake, just count the damn bills, give back what you want and move on ! It's only a 100$ not a million !!

Then mom came home.

This episode just ... exploded like a natural geyser when dad asked if we were going back to our home town village because my sister wants to go back in March. My mom said that yes, but that Nothing was set in stone, nothing was sure since my sis wants the whole family to go back ( her husband, daughter, me and mom ) but she doesn't know when her husband can have vacations so Nothing is sure. Dad goes on :

He was sitting at the kitchen table, smoking. Mom just had a long day of work ( from 7 am to 4 pm ) and went on top to do some groceries, puts them down and Dad like a crow bird of ghastly bad future telling goes on " I had a vision ( dream ) of your mother. You should speak to your mother." My mother of course naturally asks when he had that dream, sight or what ever. Dad asks, in repetition - clue that it wasn't recent. Thus, not a true common phenomenon with a real death annunciation as it is quoted in some books on the topic. He goes on that he had that thing some time ago ! My mom asked - Since I was home for the past two months why didn't you told me this before ?? And she is absolutely right ! He, on the other (drunken) side just ketp on rambling that my maternal grand mother had cursed him ( his bad luck with work, his difficult and miserable life ). My mom defended her mother naturally and I agree with her, and said "I just come home from a long day of work - why do you tell me this now ?"

My mom, further one and sort of under the rush of a small vengeance, asked or said that dad's Mother was responsible for his doom. And dad - instead of defending her mother - repeated 3-4 times "Yes, my Mother is a whore!"

That completely shocked me !

In truth, his mother had fallen in love or has fallen under the charms of the young master of the house where she was working and serving as a cleaning girl and got pregnant. Of course, the young man being the heir of a good family, the girl being a poor ( I am not sure if she was orphan or not, but poor for sure ) couldn't stay there. This is a small village in 1930's or 40's Transylvania. A woman's virtue, honor and life was ruined by the passion of a man who'll never face charges, guilt or anything ! For him, it was a game, a pleasure moment (s) and nothing more. For her, shame, guilt, a kid to bring up on her own - a kid who wears her mother's name because she cannot bear her father's - being a bastard child.

The young woman eventually got a small one room house somehow, met a soldier, got married and had 4 more children with the man. The last one, being my father.

But what happened to her in her young years, in the circumstances of her life cannot be held against her and she does not deserve to be treated the whore word by her own child.

... I don't know to conclude this one, so I'll leave it as is - just saying that all this adds to the cup and one day soon, the cup will overflow.

Even if I have to take my mother with me in the new place.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Cultural perspectives and questionnings

I was randomly chatting with a work colleague this morning. I had left a comment in a game we play on facebook - it said : Bonsoir - Good evening - Jo estét ( which means good evening in Hungarian ) and we were discussing about how during the just past Holidays she never said Merry Christmas because it became politically incorrect as of recent ! I had left plenty of Merry Christmas wishes myself and I couldn't care less about who got offended or not.

Here in Québec we are plagued with something called "accomodements raisonables" - which can roughly be translated into "reasonable accommodations" or the art of being friendly, serviable and politically correct towards everyone, every culture and every nation possible which habits our vast territory, land - country.

I got shocked though.

I cannot say Merry Christmas in my country - free country, modern country, rich country. Canada. Why ? Because it's politically incorrect and it can hurt the feelings of non believers, non practionners and folks of other faiths and religions.

On the other side of the world, in Saudi Arabia, they decorated an 11 million dollar worth in a public place. Why ? Because it's the symbol of the Christmas holidays, it's fashionable and in my opinion - if they have the budget, why not ? They are actually showing an opening towards another culture, towards other habits of a particular time in the year.

Which topic brought us to the next.

It is now allowed by companies for the muslim praticant workers to take of time 5 times per day to pray but it is forbidden for the Christians and for the others to say Merry Christmas during the holidays at the end of the year, to enjoy the cheer, the spirits, the jolly mood as we have known it for centuries.

In the past - about 40 years ago - morning prayer ( christian prayer, catholic prayer ) was a mandatory thing in gatherings, meetings and schools.

Today it is forbidden, because we push the layman angle.

Yet ! the Muslim who practice their faith are granted 5 times per day time off their work to pray, because their faith asks for such devotion and because we are such an open minded country and government and culture - we allow it, we reasonably accommodate and we make new laws and rules to try to please everyone ... at the Very Clear and Destructive Erasing and Extermination of our own !

If anyone travels to countries where culture, faith and religion rule, the traveller is oblived to follow the rules of what ever the tradition asks for : veil, body all covered up, etc., and travellers agree without a protest.

Here, in a free country, agglomerate of all cultures of the world - we have such loose laws and regulations that we do not have a solid basis of our own. We do not have a solid standing rule and law that says : this is allowed, this is forbidden in this country, this is how you you behave if you travel or live here. We allow anything and everything and we are shocked when our own culture fades away, swallowed by the incoming cultures.

I do not blame them, I do not stand against their culture. But there are limits of how friendly and willingly idiots we are, or can be.

I think it's unfair that we bend to every possible rule in other countries and let our own culture, religion and faith just fade away !

I find it completely unfair to be forbidden to have Christmas trees in airports, to say Merry Christmas and to sing Christmas songs because it can politically incorrect towards other cultures.

I ask - so then, how come that Chinese New Year is not offensive to our culture and customs ? How come we do not say nothing against Bar Mitzvah, and pushing it further, we do not even educate our own kids to have their Catechism done ? Are we that ashamed of our Christian faith and religion ? I am aware of the Silent Revolution here in Québec in the 1960's but is that a reason to completely shove off our culture ? How come Muslim faith followers can take off time 5 times a day to follow their religion's rules and we think that a simple Christian prayer is an offense before a meeting ? Since when did an immigrant religion became better than the local indigenous one ?

And this is valid for Christians to try to impose their faiths in villages in Laos, China, Vietnam and all over the world where Missionaries go.

Each culture and country, each gathering of people, should have and be proud of their own faith and traditions, keep it and share it, but not impose it upon other countries, gatherings of people and communities.

We are slowly killing diversity and going back to the eternal fight of "my faith is better than your faith and my god is stronger than your god" and we do wars and conflicts, invoking those gods and kill, torture and harm the innocent.

I say it's all Bullshit !

oh and ...

Merry Christmas and may God bless your New Year !

Monday, January 03, 2011

New year bleh

I don't even know how to really start this blog.

I feel like not being myself - like having let down my projects, my goals, my dreams.

I guess it started last April when I got my current job. At first it was great for the income money, security of something, and a healing balm on my feeling of misery and failure ( after a 3 year program, not finding a job in my field, having yet another time invested time and money and coming out without income, success or any such thing which makes one feel accomplished).

So the job helped, at first I had hopes of permanency, later, the though of my position being only temporary through agency comforted me. But with time, it took a toll on me. I started to eat my soul, but gave something in exchange : I loved my team, my work, my responsibilities, I came of help to my department, I felt useful and appreciated, at a certain level.

Sure the amount of travel there and back slowly started to slowly build up, but it really became problematic in late fall, and winter. When one finishes work at 4:30 pm, but gets home at 7, 8pm, it is discouraging.

And because of the nature of the company, of the work itself, there are peak times and low times in the year. Winter being a low empty one, since planes cannot fly as regularly because of mechanical caused by weather and weather itself.

The summer temporarly fulfilled me, made me forget about what was worrying me - but sooner or later the deep rises to the surface and yet again a feeling of having wasted my life has taken me over.

I haven't had any real occasion to do photography, to travel around, to discover - but with stolen moments.

In October I had a day off due to an interview to a potential job in my field, which left me a very cold impression, but gave me a great sight to take photos of at least.

But how many days I was on my bus, longing to take pictures of that path, with glorious cherry blossoms in the spring, but felt too bad to ask a sick day, felt too guilty to come in late - since I had no valid excuse and wanted to make sure to be a hard worker - an honest person, responsible and be there on time to build myself a good reputation.

But I let my private life aside, my hobbies, what made me happy, and thrilled about life.

Photoshop illustrations, sharing photos, keeping my photo blog updated, sharing home made junk food recipes - I was longing to make myself a professional looking flickr account but never passed the strep of getting the pro account.