Saturday, September 03, 2011

Looking for Myself - Part 1

Saturday night, we have a heat wave over Montreal and I fight it back with my newest sound application on my iPod Touch.

I been thinking over things as of late and some conclusions came to me. When you take the time to think, you take the time to ask the right questions and the answers naturally come to you, as if given by your secret help.

I have dealt with chronic depression most of my life time, starting off real young, having suicidal thoughts and such and I only realize now, the reason for all that time lost in despair.

As a kid I, like most of them, I had dreams, aspirations and goals. I wanted to be a detective. Since I am 8 years old i am fascinated and captivated by the police or law enforcement world, especially detectives who find out the truth through the small clues left behind.

I have been gathering the clues scattered around my life and i am putting together the pieces of the puzzle that is my life.

I have abandoned my dream of a cop, a detective, a police agent, because mom was too afraid for me and my sis - and she still is. My sister wanted to follow the same career, she is now a married woman, a house wife, who spent some considerable years at a beauty products company as a customer service agent on the phone. I have done computer graphics and designs to please dad and he thought i would liked that - and in fact i did, but there was no job opportunities when i finished, and medical archives to please mom who always seen me safe and sound in a hospital doing paper work. I never worked with all that my title as a medical archivist entitles. I merely did clerical work in a private clinic where i thought I'd go mad after the first day and where each day was basically spent dreaming of running away, taking a train to Halifax and forget about myself and my lousy life.

Then I got this job at the small airline company and everything was fine and dandy until we got in the low season at the beginning of the year, up until spring and I thought I'd go mad because basically i had nothing to do. I loved that office, i loved my team, even if i barely spoke with my team leader and felt like a complete useless alien, i did love some aspects - like the location of the office, the exotic of the clientèle, and some other little details, but the burden was becoming too big.

I was unease with myself, with my life and i couldn't pinpoint the key factor. I felt miserable and like a failure, to come to my age without nothing that i had thought was what shaped a life, when i was a little kid. No career, no husband, no house, no pet, not kid.

And i realized, today, that i didn't knew who in fact i was.The detective dream which died left me empty, like a puppet that others manipulated to see their dreams come true through me. I became, by unconscious will or by accident, the chameleon which took the color of their dreams and complied with ease and a smile even.

The bad side of that, is that i made choices which didn't fit my ideals; which contradicted the life style i wanted to have. Being stuck in an office doing repetitive work can soothe me in the sense that i love routine, but it cannot shape my goals and satisfy me in the longer run of things.

I always dreamed of making a difference. In my dreams at night i was always a SWAT type of person, or cop, barging in on miserable poor apartments to free the hostages from the local armed wacko. I saved kids from all sorts of villains. I wanted to become that hero, that cop. It gave my life a sense. Specifically a sense of accomplishment, but overall, a sense of doing the right thing. At 8 years old, i wanted to be a super hero like Superman, Batman and all those. I wanted to save the world. With time, that dream sort of faded away and i thought i died.

And i became the puppet of my parents.

I realize now i was wrong. I wasted my life, my youth, my opportunities of becoming the person i wanted to become.

I often dreamed of joining the army, but there is something about getting up at 5am to clean boots that doesn't come by me. Nor the idea of making my bed, nor the fact that i have to blindly obey a superior. What i love about the army is the training and the missions, saving lives, making a country live better, helping the people in need. I can do that without the army, if i find the right NGO (Non-Governmental-Organization) which i still have some faith left, i will one day.

I would like to travel to those other foreign countries where ppl have real values still in 2011. Where families, friends and good neighborhood-ing are essential every day life questions. I would like to teach poor kids English, so that they'd have a chance in their future. I know I would be a good teacher, I have an ease to share my knowledge with easy simple down to earth communicative ways. I dreamed of teaching my mother tongue, Hungarian, to local Québecois people here - teaching English to Filipino or Vietnamese would be about the same, except, with a purpose and a helping outcome in the future.

I would like to have a simple life, like a monk, with a few essential things and maybe a few hobbies, but not be bothered by money, power and fame questions like everyone in North American seems to be concerned. I don't want a condo downtown. I don't want the year's touch-and-park-alone-bio-electric car. I'll be honestly happy with my Rapunzel doll, my laptop and my iPod watching the rain fall down for weeks.

I want to feel useful and know that i have made a difference in the life of someone, or some people. I want to help get their hopes stronger and shine brighter in the face of adversity! I don't want medals or recognition, i just want to act upon what i have and what i can do to help those who don't have much of a choice in life. Their success would my ultimate thank you, the only recognition and medal i would accept.

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