Monday, July 23, 2012

About Why I did and Why It Worked Out

I actually asked myself the question. Why did I wrote that piece of fiction and further more, why did I publish it on the vast endlessness of the Internet.

Answer to first part of the question.

Because he is the first man in 20 years to inspire me so violently something of this type. And by violent, I refer here to the definition the word has in the French 17th century where it refers to a senseless feeling of irrepressible passion.

The first being Rudiger, I couldn't of possibly write such content with him, since I was 8 years old at the time and didn't knew nothing about adult love; yet I imagined myself sleeping in his coffin, cuddled up in his arms and I felt the safest place in the world. (Later on, this would be the ultimate test for any crush or love interest of mine : If i had the ability of sleeping, imagining myself snuggled up against them, and sleep well with interesting dreams, it was a clear way to see if I loved and trusted them. In the opposite conditions ; uneasiness and bad dreams, it was simply a clear answer that the relationship, had it been real, would have bound to fail. And among all real and fictional characters - not so many passed the test.)

At 8 years old, though, I did not write of my adventures with Rudiger. I simply passionately lived them in my mind; sleeping with him, having children with him, hunting humans together for blood, walking in cemeteries under the moonlight and watching the stars (which activity became a regular thing with Samaël, Sabik and most recently with Tom, which little detail triggered the whole story.)

I remember the violently passionate love I had for Rudiger - and how no other one managed to pierce my heart that bad in the later years, no matter the amount of crushes and love interests I had. Rudiger was a blade right through my heart - while the others were at best a punch in the chest.

The first man with whom I wrote a story though, was the almost as exquisite vampire Lestat. I do not recall what the story was about, but in the general lines, I remember being a detective working on a case of odd murders, blood trails and Lestat living in a mobile home in a deserted swamp area in New Orleans. Obviously, at 10 years old a passionate kiss from Lestat was the biggest thrill I could get! And that is often how the story ended, like in fairy tales, but with my theoretically speaking, sworn enemy.

Throughout High School, I repeated the same experience with potential crushes. I would imagine them in realistic scenarios and tested out the possibilities, getting the thrill of a first kiss, in my imagination and later on paper. Series I used to watch fueled my imagination and gave me great locations or creative situations.

With actors, I didn't bother writing down my stories, the ones I lived and savoured to the last drop in my imagination. I always imagined myself older to fit their age, and it never lasted too long, so I didn't felt the need to keep memories or traces of my affections for them. Besides, it never really went beyond the first kiss, so again, pointless to write that down.

In the middle to late years of Grade School, I started to write with my own created characters, but the most erotically passionate stories never made it on paper.

It was my way of masturbating, so of one, I felt bad and very uncomfortable putting it down on paper, and of two, it was my private life, so I didn't saw why I should leave concrete traces in the physical world.

It was around then that I brought Rudiger back to life, that is, in my imagination, so that I could live out my fantasies with him. Kissing, being touched, being bitten, my blood being drank by him in exchange of the most indescribably delightful pleasure of the senses - and it worked quite the charms! I cannot recall all the years where I would reach the summum of my pleasure - or to be quite literal - my orgasm, imagining in infinity details the sensation of a burning mouth against my neck, biting me, taking away blood and yet giving me pleasure. I didn't need to touch myself - I had reached a state where what happened in my head was more than efficient to make me wet my panties! (Still works today ;)  I just need to imagine different things that arouse me, but the pleasure can become at times painfully unbearable! (Like that one time when I was in Ireland, in a train coming home from the Northern area, back to Dublin, I imagined Sabik having fun with a teenager character of mine - Mathiel - and the pleasure became that badly unbearable that I had to run to the toilet. Maybe I should write this one down - for the sake of good times!

After High School, I don't remember much ... men or fictional characters impressing me to the point where I would use them in more elaborate sex fantasies.

I had a massive crush on Deacon Frost, for sure (from the movie Blade), but I couldn't imagine myself his partner. More like his equal! And never had anything remotely sensual with him. Then Valek came along, another vampire (from John Carpenter's Vampires) but he was too old and I couldn't see him in the role of a lover - more like a father figure. He became my adoptive dad, who had a son, a vampire son of course, who was my playmate, my brother and later my lover.

It was also in High School that I developed a few of my fetiches which replaced the vampires but were even more twisted. Beset and most used was obviously the brother figure. Most usually by alliance - our parents getting married - I end up with an older brother whom I fall in love, and he would be my mentor into the art of love. Again, here, the key element is that, a brother is a figure I would trust and feel completely safe with, no matter what would happen. I thought that a brother would be the best teacher in such matters. And for years this prototype worked its charms on me.

Later, I don't recall from what source exactly, came the android, the robot, and the clone. I would love a man, he would die, I would either clone him or build a really elaborate android with his remaining parts but with a new personality - a thorn and wounded and tormented man who would ask who and what he is in my life and in the whole sphere of existence itself.

I returned to the blood and flesh brother for some time after this exploration. I remember two different stories, one based on the Irish terrorist played by Brad Pitt in The Devil's Own, though my brother was thinner, sculpted yes, but nothing to do with Brad's physics, and with traces of rust in the hair.

And then came around Aramis - probably from a dream - one of the earliest versions of the Blond Man. For years he had the role of the older brother, by the same mother, but different father, who ended up being the head of the local mafia, while I became a police inspector. He became of course - one of my most cherished and ... efficient lovers. Even as as of late, perhaps last year or before, I saw this random bit of a movie about a young woman falling for the heir of the local mafia - who wanted to give the organization a clean basis - and I imagined myself back with Aramis and ... I had forgotten the power he had over me! I realize now that, unconsciously, I based Sabik - when I found his sculpt - on the persona of Aramis. Like I would transfer the remains of that one beloved man into his clone or cyborg copy. And as of very late, I transfered a part of Sabik's temper into the character of Tom Hiddleston in that piece of fiction which started this post.

But let us come back to Sabik a bit. He is special in the sense that, he was the first human representation of a character for whom I had both sentimental and physical attraction, and as it progressed, passionate sexual fantasies too. He was the first to whom I imagined a penis, the first to whom I could imagine without shame and feeling uncomfortable around an erection and having  real coital sex with. I won't even attempt to count the times I had done with him, in full blown detail, and the amount of pleasure he gave me. I could explore a variety of positions with him, define myself as a sexual partner, see what I liked, what I didn't, how I liked things to happen. From the beginning though, I created him perfect for my own personal tastes, following my experiences in real life. He would have a slightly smaller penis than average, comfortable above all, and a way of taking me without inspiring me an automatic rejection of his phallus. (Which my body did 99% of the time with all the guys I had real sex with; 99% because only once I didn't contract against - and I think I was totally distracted by kisses, thus why it worked so well).

Sabik also deserves credentials for having lasted the longer in my book of lovers. Even Rudiger and Samaël whom I love both since before Sabik didn't reach this ultimate combination of affectionate love and bodily passions - Sam maybe a few times, through his personification of Aramis or the dark mysterious potential representation of Rudiger, but Sabik really lasted the longest and was the most used or abused.

Anything was good to end up in bed with him. I cannot even begin to recall all the scenarios I had with him - but he never failed me. And even my last imaginary lover took his place, I still imagined myself sleeping sometimes with him, just because he was everything to me; the protector, the lover, the confident, the best friend, the sex friend, the one who could read me inside out.

And now, to the realization which came to me after I finished that piece of fiction.

First of all, not even Henri, who is based on various dreams of a Blond Man that I had since childhood, first a sidekick, then an older teen, and then various roles, not even Henri had a clearly defined male attributes. I just woke up one day, loving him for his deep blue eyes and the way he made me feel but throughout the first version of the story which lasted a good over half a year, I was still mad about Sabik! I had to completely remove him from the story, in order to be able to focus on Henri, and start writing it down as it is now known under the name of Morvan.

The first time I started to write down that story it was the day I went to see Daybreakers, which day followed my firing from the clinic, and the -- should i say heart breaking or heart wrecking -- leaving of the Post Man who had created terribly powerful storm of emotions in my heart - but whom sadly, didn't pass the test of the "If I imagine myself sleeping with you" (I actually had nightmares all the various occasions I tried him, not even counting the complete uneasiness I had at the perspective of!) So then, Henri helped me forget the Post Man. Nothing like a beardy blond from the sea to forget a rusty blond from the land! I think it was that day that I really started to see Henri as full blown independent romantically based persona to help me through that stage of my life.

And even if I had absolutely great moments with him, slept in his arms and had wonderful dreams, not even him had a clear description of his manly-hood. (Go figure, in my story, I manage to have 3 kids from him!)

And then, I had this huge ass depression which killed my motivation to write, to think, to imagine, to live, to feel, to exist. I had put his story in a folder, where I would from random time to time add a detail or two, like a working schedule, but not really advancing in the story. I had great moments in my head, but nothing I could write down and feel proud of, or reportedly satisfied with.

So I stopped writing.

The first time I saw Tom Hiddleston, I didn't even knew who or what he was. I was on deviant art, I went to the page of a girl who favorited a piece of mine and in her webcam spot of the page, was this ravishingly  beautiful young man with black hair, pale skin, wearing a black costume turning around and smiling. My first reaction was of course to thank her for the fave and ask - who that incredibly gorgeous man was in her webcam animated gif. She answered it was Tom Hiddleston as Loki in the movie The Avengers.

For some reason, I just moved on, if I can say so.

Previous to that, I had seen the printed posters of the precessing movie Thor, but I wasn't too hot about the actor whom I didn't know, first thing, and who on the posters was too built and muscular to be of my taste, even if he was answering the general criteria of the Blond and Blue Eyes. I remember I mostly wished to see Aquaman next! (who is one of my favorite comic book super heroes) With a slender actor - lol!

This was last year in the summer.

This year, somewhere in June, on a very depressed Saturday, not knowing what movie to watch, I browsed the options of last year and thought I would give Thor a chance.

I wasn't expecting much, in fact, I was expecting to be annoyed, disappointed and ready to rant my soul out. Sadly, all the opposite happened! The movie had great one-liners, which absolutely killed me! I hadn't laughed that hard and that much since Planet 51! (which is a 3D animated movie about an astronaut being taken for the alien invading an inhabited alien planet)

It's funny but I wasn't expecting Loki to even be in that movie. In my mind, Loki was in the Avengers! Which I didn't knew or cared to check was the sequel to Thor.

So then, I was watching that movie and - bleedin' hell the déja vues! - Since Tom has burst-ed his way in my life, they are accumulating like if it rained Smarties!  As I was writing, I was taken by surprise to see Loki in that movie. And obviously my heart didn't resist. At least not the mandatory one thousandth of a second it took to completely wan over! I think it was that scene where he comes from behind a column and sits down next to Thor. That scene alone - I was done for! Black hair, blue eyes, black costume, thin,beautiful, charming... my mind didn't process the facts yet. My heart was way to overly excited to let the brain function normally!

After the movie, I headed on to deviant art and started to join Loki based groups, fave Loki based artworks and without realizing, I was digging myself one of the deepest pits or tombs I had ever done digging for myself.

Within a short span of time, and Loki being constantly referred to as being the version played by the actor Tom Hiddleston, these two became so deeply intertwined that I started to love the actor.

Funny enough, just about when I realized my enchantment for the actor, one of my friends on Facebook posted this photo of Johny Depp (a childhood hero and actor) with a quote of his about sticking with the second person with whom you had fallen in love with, because if you would have loved the first sincerely and deeply, you wouldn't have had fallen for the second. And when I come to think about it : I fell for Loki from the first moment on that deviant art page, without knowing the actor, but when I discovered him, the character almost faded away to give full place to the actor. Which before, Never happened. I would love the character, and feel nothing for the actor. (Nothing of the sort that the character would have inspired me. I loved Guy Pearce's character in Ravenous, but I would have never imagined myself in kissing the actor himself!)

The more I fell into the internet rabbit hole of Tom related things, the bigger my fascination for him grew and grew and grew. I started to follow tumblr accounts, followed his twitter - which I realized a week or two later hen I consciously wanted to follow him that I already did !

And then, the story just popped in my head.

At first, it was starring Loki and myself. It was set in New Mexico, and was following the end of the movie Thor. Loki fell from the bridge, fell into our world and I would shelter him and become friends and eventually would we have this moment, of me in Asgard spelling out his name in the stars, sitting on the repaired bridge. The maximum of erotic situation in that story was just barely mentioned by his father Odin upon coming to bring him back and once in his chambers, after a night of drinking contest with Thor, me having a hangover, being nursed back to a regular state of being and asking to be left alone with my private physician. But, I never really fully imagined the scene.

And as a good chain of thoughts happen, the scene of me spelling out his name became the trigger for the story which I did in fact write down, featuring, this time, not the character, but the actor himself. And again, it was that one scene of us watching the stars that started it all off !

And as I tested out the story in my mind, I thought, why not give it a shot and see where this would lead us! Which I did. And published the part 1 of it, which contained nothing but the prologue. Which was welcomed with such positive - and unexpected feedback - I felt the need to finish it up and deliver something decent the fan girls could bite into and have a little bit of fun imagining in their own minds.

Of course the second part got even a bigger response than the first! and I was left with more questions than answers.

Why did it work out so well ? Mostly because it features the flavour of the month - Tom Hiddleston. But mostly because it's not the sort of fan fiction the fans expected to read. It is not vulgar, and cheap and oriented in a bashing styled of fiction - which so many float around deviant art as of late.

All this is fine and dandy, but I as the author, I am left with the most essential question : WHY or rather HOW could I have had the gut and the inspiration and the what ever that I needed to write this down and in this manner in which I did.

Tonight, ... it is 12:32 am July the 24th, so I would say, last night, on the 23rd when I went to bed, a storm cloud of ideas crashed on the shore of my conscious thoughts, giving me answers.

1 - Loki himself being portrayed as he is  reminded me of 2 men I loved the most. Rudiger - black hair, blue eyes, pale skin, and Samaël - a potential adult alternative to Rudiger, especially in that scene in Avengers where Loki is on a horse and has that famous moment of turning around. His costume unconsciously reminded me of a dream I had long long ago where I was in bed with a black haired man, with pale skin and blue eyes, wearing sensibly the same type of uniform, though much less heavy and a huge black horse who was also in our bed. The man smiled at me and defied me to find the suit's opening which I failed to find and I remember it puzzled me for years ! It was as if the costume was literally sewn on his body. That trademark and the huge black horse became a daytime representation of Sam and I would spend countless hours riding that horse, safely snuggled in his arms, in his thick long warm black cape, through this world I imagined for ourselves : White Darkness, where it's almost always night and winter. (But that will come in an upcoming fiction eventually)

2 - Tom Hiddleston himself : the blue eyes remind me of the above quoted men, plus Henri, my last one, based off countless dreams I had of him - among which a few extremely precised and details where I could see his face a few centimeters in front of mine (in a spy dream where I had my first and only detailed sex dream with sensation of him being inside of me); in that sequence I was facing him in a small lift going down from the room where we made love to a pastry shop. I had a good three to five minutes where I could practically detail every aspect of his face! Then I have that Venice dream where I escaped from a hotel room and a honey moon, plus the one where he was a clan's leader and we made love in the forest, the one where he asks me to come home with him, and in it's following dream where we are walking in the path of snow in the valley by the forest

3 - Tom's voice which reminded me unconsciously again of Andrew Edlritch's deep baryton voice, when he sings, even though Tom's is much more sexier and irresistible - no matter the subject he talks about.

4 - His general body lines which remind me of Sabik, and especially those photos of him with the dark curly hair and the deep marine blue shirt which is Sbaik's signature! In my mind, he has his hair like Tom's. In every sketch I have of Sabik, I drew him with his hair cut about the same length and slightly curly at the bottom. (The blue shirt just looks incredible well on him and brings his silver eyes - which i sometimes describe as blue as the shallow sea - and it's about the same cut and style as Tom is wearing in those photos

So there we have it. Tom is like an amalgam of 4 of the Most Loved Men in my life until now. No wonder I didn't resist his charms! (Not to mention, he is only 2 years older than me, so it helps breaking distances between him as an actor and me as a random fan) I won't bother do his Numerology, I'm afraid of what I might find! All of this is already too much!

Upon writing the story, I have to admit, I did imagine the possibility of if being real - in every aspect that I wrote and it troubled me how, he was the first real physical living human being who would inspire me such things, at that level of precision, while being perfectly alive and living in the same time and space as me.

To this day I am fascinated at the perspective that it felt so natural to imagine him doing something I would only reserve to Sabik! (Even if, Sabik is my my Muse when I write and he sure was when I wrote that story, I have flashes of memories where it was clearly Tom that I imagined performing the actions he is described to do.

The greater question of the "Why" could it happen, why did it happen, why did it felt so natural, why was I able to imagine it and further more the impossibility of me writing it down was the real thing puzzling me. Now, at least I know and I really have a sense of closure on this topic.

He - the actor - is simply the first real man with whom the test worked out. And it worked out more than I had originally theorized it could have worked!

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