So in fact I did go to bed after I finished the blog, which was around something past4 am. Among the dreams I had, and I curse my subconscious for this, I was making a fancy cake with Thor ( ?? ) He was wearing a simple grey long sleeved shirt, belt and jeans. We were kneeling in front of each other on the kitchen's floor working out to make some white very transparent but very viscous material into a circular mold for the cake, we were laughing about it. I knew it was highly sweet, like concentrated sugar, and sort of gooey when I put a hand in it, but I was trying to contain it in the mold in which I needed it for the cake.
He made a comment or something because I found it funny and started to laugh it out. The next thing I remember was me bending over the cake's mold to kiss him on the lips. His lips reminded me of Brad Pitt for some odd reason, but it was really the actor who plays Thor. I couldn't resist looking down at his pants to see if he was hard and if I could notice a bump. And of course he was hard and it was a pretty clear.
In the rest of the dream, there was something to do with a huge Twilight Sparkle (MLP-FIM) plush toy, and a bigger Celestia one and a notice from the post that I received a package, which Thor - thank you so much - took from where it was laying and hid it from my mom's eyes (i presume he knew I'd get into trouble). So we were shoving the plush toys under my bed like a dark secret and trying to act normal.
My question this morning - okay this afternoon, since it's 3pm now - Thor is the total opposite of Loki and yet I masculine-ized him in the dream, meaning, gave him his natural attributes, does this mean that I am just ... finally ready now, at age 28 ? versus age 19 when I lost my virginity ? I did it to be like the others, even if I knew that I wasn't that much rushing to get it done. It wasn't peer pressure, more like social pressure. But deep inside, I was not ready. That is what I think today.
In many instances it feels as if I am 8 years .... as if the first 8 years of my life didn't belong to me, to Emilia Ildiko Tokes. In that context, at 19, I was really only 11, which would explain why I jumped into the sex pool like a child not knowing what to expect and what to do with it. I had it done to be socially normal, but personally, it was the biggest error of my life.
I often regretted in the following years. I should have waited. Even if it means 28 years. Or even never! I know the theory of it and I can satisfy myself alone. All i really need is a man to inspire me and boom, voila, I can imagine a thousand stories, and the sensation is as strong if not stronger than in reality.
I think that Loki is somewhat of a realistic image of Rudiger and Sabik, hence, why I so badly and intensely fell for him, and hence why I give him full masculinity. He has Rudiger's hair and eyes, with Sabik's body and sexual power of attraction.
Something a bit off which I remembered this morning which I wanted to discuss in the previous post is the fact that during high school, I created these two characters to help me through my youth. Paul, in his early 30's, black hair, blue eyes, thin, in shape, well built and Philippe, a 17 year old gay teenager who falls in love with Paul and sort of converts him. They were both prostitutes, well, mostly Philippe, but I inserted myself in the story to have Paul at least once.
And I realized recently; he was / still is a tall thin man with black hair and blue eyes. And during all those years while writing that story, I could imagine his dick - in sex scenes with myself or with Philippe - but I never imagined Philippe's. And I cannot explain it to myself, as to why not ? When I was writing the story, we technically were of the same age, or he was a bit older than me, so I had no moral reason to not imagine him. (I mean, i wouldn't imagine a man younger than me naked, because I would just feel dirty about it).
I once wrote a gay erotic story, and the oldest man in the story, the Master, was also a tall thin black haired man with blue eyes.
It's to the point where I ask myself if this is just Rudiger's legacy or if it goes a bit deeper and further in my past ?
The blonds were a revenge on Rudiger for breaking my hart. He had black hair with blue eyes and was not real, so to take revenge, I started loving blonds, and the more I practiced, the easier it became with years, almost to the point where blonds were the top and the dark haired came in second place.
Loki pulverized my self defense systems! His looks just reminded me that my original type of men were like him. (After all, Flynn Ryder and Adam Jensen have both brown hair and I find them very cute both; the first as a brother and the second as and adventures companion).
Over the years, as much as I tried to put it behind me, I never stopped being fascinated by gays, goths, androgynous men and in the perfect combination a mix of all these inside one man.
Run away from your natural attractions and they come back full speed to slap you.
Loki just made me realize that i was lying to myself all these years.
I am able to give masculinity to my type of men because they are the ones I want to be able to give me pleasure and fulfillment. I unconsciously deprive the others to make it easier for me to eventually come back to the first type.
I might have quit on my goth life, but the dark overlords are still and for ever be the type of men I want in my bed. They are just the most efficient to bring my femininity out, and so naturally!
With Sabik and Loki I can imagine myself doing things I would blush and consider impossible or out of my range of acceptance with the blonds. And that alone is a huge discovery and quite interesting : between "acceptable" and "shuddup let's do it" with the passion i can give such actions, there is quite the distance!
This whole thing also made me realize why I am unable to build a real strong and normal relationship with standard men which are accessible to me.
Without facing or accepting it, my subconscious judges them at the speed of a computer processor and knows that they wouldn't be able to inspire me go beyond my boundaries so I am not making much effort to either get them or keep them. I just realized recently that I could do things, outside of my imaginary world, IF i have a man of a specific type to inspire me.
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